I can't visit the care home

I think that poster was referring to the person she quoted, and tagged you accidentally.

I'm a nurse in a nursing home. I don't judge how often people visit at all. I do judge people who don't check if they need anything or if they're ok though. And if they don't respond to my attempts to communicate with them. We completely get that visits can be distressing to both family and patient.

A once a week phonecall with the staff to ensure she doesn't need anything and if there's anything to update on is enough. Maybe once a month short visit to drop off toiletries/clothing. Ensuring they still get Christmas/birthday cards and gifts. If they go into hospital, an offer to sit with them in a&e is always nice too.

I hope I never end up in a care home, too. I hope I don't need to. I'm approaching 70, and everyone I know of my age feels the same. We're all terrified of losing our independence, of not being able to do and cook for what WE fancy eating for our next meal, of not being able to go for a walk when we want to, losing all those very simple, taken for granted, choices in our lives. And most of all we fear the dementia that could one day lead to this.

If you consider your MIL to be a bitch for feeling that way, you can write virtually all of us, her peers, while you're at it.

And I haven't called anyone names??

I don't know how you have decided I am not a nice person because I commented that I never want to be in a care home (after working in one) and now it makes my oh ill when he visits because mil is scared of him, her dementia is so bad.

Weird.

@notnormanI’ve worked in many and I know I never want to end up in one.

You are obviously not a nice person the tone and nature of your reply is evident of this.

Safe, warm, well fed and looked after. No thanks. I am not a pet. I never want my children to witness me being treated like one either.

If I end up in a home, so be it. My children know I never want them to visit me in such a place no matter how warm, fed and looked after I am. Prisoners are warm, well fed and looked after in comparison to many other humans in the world.

You are truly a despicable person who believes you are right and just in calling people names for their own personal views on how they want to live out their lives.

Your poor MIL having someone as toxic as you in her life.

Just a thought, but is there anyone who would go with you to support you? I mean a friend who could just give a hand hold so you aren't having to be by yourself? They might be able to chat to your mum if you are upset, but also extricate you if it's too much.
It's really an awful situation for you, give yourself permission to do what is best for you.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. The more often you visit it'll get easier. The residents who get regular visitors are prioritised for personal care. Unfair but true.

One parent with alzheimer one parent with dementia, discussed this a lot with my parents, so yeah - I have an idea

My parents had the same neighbours for 35 years and are good friends, they visit every few months actually so please don't aim your post at me as though I don't have a clue how OP feels and that i'm just spouting shit

What would your DM of 10 years ago have said she wanted?

Would she have understood and want you to be happy and released you from the guilt of not visiting?

Would she have insisted you visit regularly regardless?

Then go with that.

You sound as ridiculous as my MIL.

"Ooh, I hope I never end up in a place like that"

said the stupid bitch just after my dad had had to move into one.

It was a fabulous place and he was very happy there.

Safe, warm , well fed & well looked after.

I plan to tell my DDs that if I don't know them any more, then they shouldn't visit. I don't want them to see me like that, and I know that at least one of them will find it traumatic.

But what I would want them to do is use some of my money to pay someone (we have no other family) to visit me once a week to check on my welfare and my treatment. I think that's important.

These homes vary enormously. My mum's BUPA one was grim. No-one seemed to give a damn. My MIL' s council one was lovely, and the staff would instantly make me a cuppa and try to feed me. The warmth and affection that they showed to MIL and to us hugely helped me to cope with the visits, and I absolutely trusted them with her care.
But I can't assume I'll be as lucky, so I want someone checking in on me. But it doesn't need to be my daughters.

Unfortunately Assisted Dying as projected won't apply to dementia. The person has to have capacity to make the decision and have less than 6 months to live. I know I wouldn't want to live on in the state my mother was in. You wouldn't subject a dog to it.

It's really, really hard and I sympathize with you a lot. What I can say is that after my mum died, I was glad to have made the effort and still felt guilty about everything more that I could have done. But I'd have felt worse if I hadn't made the effort when she was alive. Only you can know whether you are likely to feel worse visiting her while she's alive or worse when there's no longer anything to be done and guilty that you didn't see her when you could. It's a horrible choice.

I understand how you feel. I did visit my mother in her care home but always felt a sense of elation when I got away. The situation, not the care home itself, was just so upsetting. If she hadn't been able to recognise me I don't think I would have gone.

Would some counselling be an option? Whatever you decide and manage to do wrt your mum, there will be really difficult feelings to deal with.

Do you have any friends who could come with you if/when you visit?

Please try not to take on the perceived judgements of others. They don't know your life. They don't know how you're feeling. They don't know your past. There are a great many more people who understand how complex and difficult these things are, and how different it is for different people.

OP please go easy on yourself. I'm currently receiving threapy to help deal with my DM's dementia, I feel like I've lost her even though she still kind of knows whats going on and who people are she just isn't the same. She's forgot how to cook and what food she likes etc. She can still look after herself but thankfully I have a large family so we all check in with her.

From what you've said you've fully lost your DM already and it is a grieving process. Only you know how the visits impact you and its you that you need to think about now. I think PP had a good suggestion about going every so often to check toiletries and that she's been treated OK but doing something nice for yourself after. If you can't do that then don't be hard on yourself. Think about what your mum would want if she wasn't ill and weather she would want you to go through that.

Threapy is helping me process whats going on with my mum and if you can I would recommend trying to see someone too.

I hope you find some peace with all this soon

My own experience with dh gran and mine is that no or less visits led to lack of care.
DH’s gran was left for a few days in deep pain they just ignored (she wasn’t making sense then so assumed there were ‘normal’ moans). Turns out she had a broken collar bone! Then doctors didn’t want to give her string painkillers because ‘it could shorten her life’….

My gran was left to get dehydrated. It was just pure luck it was around Christmas and we went to see her, insisting there was something wrong. They maintain she was ‘fine’ but knowing we were there, they had a doctor coming over which then resulted in an immediate hospitalisation….. she died not long after (different reason).

My gran was in what anyone would call an excellent care home too.

I have been in the position of having to find nursing home care for my late husband - it was hard.

Please talk to the home manager. Tell them what you have told us. Discuss her care and ask them all the questions you need to feel happy with the care; and talk about how traumatic you find it and about ways you can be helped with that. In my experience they wish to accommodate everyone's needs, the resident and the family.

If you are satisfied that the care is good, then you need to ask yourself the purpose of your visits. Are you aware of any benefits that this might bring her? Can you ask the staff how she reacts after your visits to give yourself an idea about this?

Top priority is that you need to set aside the idea that you are being judged - it is irrelevant really to your Mum's well-being - but if you discuss with the home how hard you find visits then they will be able to understand and not judge. They are used to these situations - they know how hard it can be for some famines.

Just be upfront with them.

The staff where my DH was were great - I would walk in the door and the next minute there would be a cup of tea by my side and a smile.

see now that one could well be seen as judgemental and nasty

If you hate visiting, imagine how it is to live there. You need to stop making it all about you and go and visit your mum.

In addition to the supportive comments above, have you considered (or are you already getting) any kind of support or therapy for your mental health? It sounds like that could benefit you especially whilst you are trying to deal with this very difficult situation. It’s very hard to be resilient and have perspective when you are mentally unwell and struggling with your own health.

OP@bernadetteo are you having any therapy for your ptsd? The reason I ask this is that, your mum aside, have you thought what your response may be in future if your OH was needing a care home? How about when you yourself need hospital care or a care setting? If you are having a strong response then actually perhaps it’s working on aspects of why you are responding this way, with a therapist….I had a trauma response when I was in hospital after giving birth, it unexpectedly brought up an awful lot of past childhood stuff ….hence why I would advise you to see this as an opportunity to work on the ptsd. The whys and wherefores of whether or not to visit your mum are very individual, I would never say someone has to put themselves through a situation if it’s too much but equally you may, at the end of her life, want and need to be with her when that time comes.

Please don’t feel like you have done the wrong thing. We may have to do the same soon and I have been filled with guilt. My mother is up at all hours and both my sibling and I work full time. He has moved back to live with her and works from home but she cannot be alone ever.

My mother’s brother is in a home and I can see his pictures on their Facebook posts and he looks happy, my cousin said she cried for weeks but my Aunt who is almost 80 couldn’t cope. They go and spend time with him regularly and take him out to the Garden centre if he feels up to it.

There are people on hand 24/7 so night waking can be dealt with by someone who is paid to be awake and isn’t getting up the next day facing a full day of work on 3 hours sleep. There is always someone nearby for them to have a chat and overall it’s more focussed care.

@Wishimaywishimight i hope you feel better making out that people who need to put a relative into a care honestly are uncaring. My mother will need more care than we can offer eventually. I want her to be safe more than anything.

I know how you feel OP. When my mum went into a home I hated visiting. We would visit on a Friday afternoon and from bed time on Thursday I would feel the heaviness and it would consume my thoughts all morning on Friday. I would feel so sick I couldn't eat. Then when I got home I would be tearful all evening because it was so difficult and I felt so sad.

For myself, I'm glad I kept going because it got easier. We formed relationships with staff and other residents and became part of the family and socialised with other residents and joined in activities. I never woke up in the morning and thought "Hooray! I'm going to visit mum!" I always felt anxious and sad but getting to know the routine, spending time with other residents and staff, made it easier and less like visiting a hospital.

Strangely for me it was easier when she lost her speech and no longer knew me. She no longer begged for me to take her home and I no longer had to defend myself and explain that the decision was out of my hands.

Can I urge you to see if there is counselling available in your area for people in your situation. I found it really helpful when mum was diagnosed.

Whether you visit or not the sense of loss is real and painful.