I can't visit the care home

Why are people being so over the top horrible?

Re @diddl I'm reading it as she's calling her MIL a bitch, not because the MIL doesn't want to go into a care home, but because she made that comment right after @diddl had made the, presumably very difficult, decision to put her father in one.

I think most people would prefer not to end up in a care home, but for many people it is the only option. And I don't think it's nice to make a comment like that to somebody in that position.

Hi OP I care for DH who has Lewy Bodies dementia. I understand fully how hard it is to watch someone you love go downhill with dementia. Could I suggest speaking to the Admiral nurses? They are very good at just being there to talk to. Also consider some counselling for yourself. This is a lot to take in and it hits you quite hard. I am some years in now but every so often I still wake up thinking why him? why us? and there even is a part of me that thinks maybe it will all go away. Of course it does not. In terms of visits, dementia patients can often be very confused but there are still lots of things they can enjoy. DH still likes to walk, eat certain things and likes music. I understand that many of these things will still be there right until the end of life. If you can I would visit, but I know it is hard.

I really enjoy reading opinions on MN but it seems very sad that posters often get really uptight and abusive if people dont give them the view they would like or have a different opinion, especially on what is a very emotive subject.

I don't want to go into a care home but I accept that it might be inevitable. I don't want my family who have their own jobs and families to have to deal with double incontinence, violent temper and refusal to eat or drink if, God forbid, I end up like my mother.

My Dad had to be persuaded to let my mother be cared for by people who knew what they were doing. He had promised never to let her go but sometimes it's the best thing. When she went into the home she had her first bath in months (she refused any personal care and would fight viciously) and they got her to eat again after weeks in hospital eating nothing. I'd rather be dead than be like that but it isn't an option.

Sometimes we have to do hard things for the people we love and who love us.

Thank you.

It's one of those things that doesn't hit you until a certain point in life, when suddenly the possibility becomes very real.
Your MIL's timing might not have been good, but I defy you to find someone of her age who doesn't feel the same way. As you will one day.

Can you find out who her Key Worker is? You could arrange to call her once a week to ask how she is?

My mum was in a home for several months after a massive stroke. Her mind had gone and she didn’t seem to register when me and my brothers visited and just lay there, paralysed and unable to talk.
I didn’t have a car and did the 4-hour round trip by train every week to be with her.
It was heartbreaking to see her like this but no way would I have stayed away. I’m so glad, now that she’s gone, that I was able to be with her at the end of her life.
You say she’s gone already but I find your attitude difficult to understand, especially as you say that you had a good relationship.

Visiting a care home when your loved one has dementia is really tough, it's normal to feel out of sorts afterwards but the more you go the easier it is. It's really not a nice thing to do but we go because they are a loved ones. Without knowing anything of your reasons for ptsd I know know if they past trauma is a factor but I think it's a mind set situation, not a pleasant experience but not everything in life is nice

If you consider your MIL to be a bitch for feeling that way, you can write virtually all of us, her peers, while you're at it.

I have only just seen this part of your comment.

I thought of her as a bitch at the time for what she said just after my dad had to move into a home due to dementia.

I would like to apologise for calling you ridiculous for feeling how you do.

It's an emotive subject!

Don't go often if it traumatises you OP. How often did you visit before they had dementia? If it wasn't that often, don't do more than you did.
Maybe it's harsh but if they don't know you it will distress everyone.

Only read OP's posts.

What do you want? To learn ways to not feel so traumatised or to not feel guilty?

My MIL recently died of dementia in a nursing home. My FIL is still there (he has Parkinsons). While the home had a certain smell associated with it, now when I visit FIL I associate it with the last few weeks of MIL's life. It's really hard.

I felt that it was/is easier to spend time with them as they are my IL's, we don't have the long childhood history/emotions.

I do believe your DM will be comforted by your presence - touch and your voice mainly.

I have found the dementia care staff to be really lovely. Can you talk to them about how you're feeling? If you do want to visit your Mum they will be able to help you find ways.

Guilt is a wasted emotion. Your Mum is being cared for and dementia is a fucker.

As a past activity leader in an elderly care home please know that staff do NOT judge you! You however are judging yourself please stop! You did what is right for your DM she will have social activities a routine and friends in the home and 100% you have chosen to have her looked after with love. I know that to have a parent living in your home 24-7 with dementia is VERY difficult and without a large circle of support it's not the best move for them or you. If they get a UTI they can become VERY violent and I've seen sweet old ladies try and bite chunks out of carers. They may have 'sun downing' where they are very lively at night, may become sexually inappropriate and walk around naked, swear, cry, get frustrated and confused and be prone to leave the house... then you have the repetitive behaviours where you are repeating and explaining yourself 1000 times a day which can be exhausting for both parties. You will have to give up work because you'll be exhausted and get minimum help from SS they will possibly be double incontinent too. In the res/nursing home environment staff are trained in Dementia and the care work is shared. Go see your DM when you can and share a cuppa and a chat and maybe a family album too as I know she'll remember some of the folk in the pics. You really should NOT feel guilty or judged.

I'm afraid we all have to do unpleasant things in life, that's the nature of being human. I think you should continue to visit your mother and not put your own trauma at the centre of the situation - unless it's so severe that you are likely to negatively affect the staff and other residents. As for the staff judging you, I doubt it very much as you are keeping them in a job (albeit an underpaid one). I think they are far more likely to judge relatives who never visit at all - I know I would.

@diddl your MIL is okay with you calling her a bitch?

Not sure your perception of warm, well fed and well looked after would be the same standard as mine.

We are obviously very different people.

at least you admit you are a nasty person that is a win for a stupid person like me.

My friends & family are obviously OK with me being nasty so that's ok by me.

I would say seek help to deal with your emotions and anxiety and then you can see her

@diddl at least you admit you are a nasty person that is a win for a stupid ridiculous person like me.

Although she doesn't know you, does she know what's going on, i.e. is she getting anything out of your visits?

You've got to make a decision (that you'll go every 2 weeks / month / 6 weeks / not at all) and then stop beating yourself up. There's no benefit to your mental health if every day you don't go you're feeling horribly guilty. Do what works for you and make your peace with it.

@diddl this is meant for you not @notnorman.

Yes I know it was pretty obvious that it was meant for me.

I might be nasty but I'm not stupid.

This is a good suggestion. Visits are difficult when the patient can't interact, but if you go along with a friend you can sit beside your mother, hold her hand, and talk to your friend about your life, what you are up to etc. I have done this for a friend whose father was dying slowly and she wanted to visit but found it hard to either talk to him when he couldn't respond, or sit in silence.

I would show my face often enough that staff are aware your mother's care is being observed, and check in by phone when you can't make it.

No worries- I wondered what I had said that was so awful!

@saraclara i agree @diddl is not a nice human being. Nobody is judging their choices but they feel justified in judging everyone else. Calling her MIL a bitch just because she expressed her wish not to go into a nursing home is wicked. I dread to think of how their MIL is treated by them in real life. Shockingly awful person.

@diddl this is meant for you not @notnorman

Apologies @notnorman my post was meant for @diddl