I can't visit the care home

I would never leave my family member without being visited. It doesn't matter if they remember you, it's about them experiencing kindness, a loving touch, communication, basic human interaction from someone who they have known and loved.
If only to keep an eye on things to make sure standards don't slip, to make sure there are no missed bed sores , those sorts of things.
If you need help, find a good therapist, but please don't abandon her, especially when you say she has know one else in the world that knows her

I used to try to make a game of it when I saw my mother, as it helped me cope with it all. So I'd ask her questions about her family, and she'd tell me things like how her daughter (me) had done xyz - and I'd act surprised (while wondering who the hell she thought I was).

It's a horrible time for all concerned. The one thing to remember is that time passes differently for people with dementia...so whether you visit them daily or monthly they won't know the difference - and will probably be telling other people that you never visit them, regardless of how often it is...

It may not be judgemental but it's unhelpful to OP. and it IS judgemental

It's very, very hard. The things that have helped me were:

• Go for very short visits - I'm talking 30 minutes - and be prepared for a really tough time after that . I used to sit, frozen, at my desk for hours after each visit. I was totally numb. It did get better with time.
• Decide for yourself in advance when and for how long you're going and set it in your calendar. SOmehow this helps because you can see you've been, you can see you're going.
• You say there are no other relatives - is there a friend who could come with you? I've accompanied a friend in such situations and for me it was much easier than for her - but I felt I had done a really good deed and was happy to do so.
• Depending on the staff - if you feel they are open to it - talk to them and ask for ideas how to spend the time with your mother
• MUSIC - listen to music together.
• The guilt will always be there, whatever you do. Don't even address the judgment of others ("I would never put my mother in a home!" sort of comments. Ignore)

You need to do what is best op, look out for your mental health. My mum was in a dementia home for five years, she finally passed away last month. I didn’t go much, I found it incredibly tough and still have flashbacks, and that was my choice. Siblings defo went more and that was their choice. Dementia is one of those awful things where everyone has a view, and a way of dealing with it, and it’s nobody’s business how you deal with it but you. She is in the best place with all the care she needs - would she want you to even more stressed and upset about things than you already are - I doubt it. Be kind to yourself.

Honestly op. Most of us agree it's really hard to visit ailing relatives whether at home or in a home but you just can't abandon her to a life with no visitors , you'd regret it for ever.

I'm not sure if this would be possible but when my son was away for 10 weeks we sent him a parcel and a little letter twice a week. Could you check with the care home if that would be possible and what things you would be allowed to send? Then she would feel loved and remembered and you wouldn't be being re traumatised by going there.
You could send very little things like her favourite sweets (if allowed) or get post cards made out of old photos (you can do this online) and send them. I appreciate she won't be able to write back necessarily.
Or would it be possible to phone her instead? I think it would be nice if you could phone her and read her a few pages of a book. I know she will get lost with the story line but she might like it. Or you could just read magazine articles. I'm suggesting that rather than having to think of conversation if you think that is hard.

PP's post is not nasty at all. It just doesn't validate you.
You clearly posted expecting support and encouragement to drop visits.

Edited to add - this post was actually full of love.

Just wanted to add:

As for the guilt, please keep reminding yourself that you've done everything possible for your mother. A care home is the only safe place for her at this stage. The nursing staff will know that, and you know that.

I know you can't just stop yourself feeling guilty, but please keep reminding yourself that you have done the best thing for her. You have been a loving, caring, dedicated daughter. I'm sure that if she could suddenly have her mind back whole for five minutes, that would be one of the first things she would say. It ought to be, anyway!

I think it's worth it if you possibly can, and perhaps counselling might help. Other than that, maybe consider

• taking a friend (doesn't need to be the same one each time, and you may well find that five more visits in, it starts getting easier)

-have an ongoing list of things to tell her about whilst you're there, whether family news or a squirrel you saw outside the home. It saves that horrible silence and makes it easier to distract yourself a bit with cheerful chatter.

-take along something to do, whether music to listen to together and maybe dance to if she can, or a favourite treat to eat, or some old photos you can tell her about, or a puzzle if she's up to that, or knitting.

-plan something lovely for afterwards. Coffee with a friend, or a swim or reading under a blanket, whatever would be comforting for you.

I realise it can be traumatic. I don't want to underestimate that. It usually gets gradually easier over time, and relatives are usually very glad they kept visiting. Wishing you strength and peace and comfort.

I think this is a great post,@bernadetteo , I hope it helps you 💐

I don’t judge anyone for choosing for relatives to go into a nursing home it is honestly just one of my worst fears in life.

Lots of people don’t make this decision for their loved ones, social services and medical professionals go above their heads and take over due to danger the elderly person is causing to themselves and those around them.

I don’t judge anyone for choosing for relatives to go into a nursing home it is honestly just one of my worst fears in life.

I made the age old mistake of feeling criticised for making a decision iyswim.

This poster was not being unpleasant at all!

@diddl I understand it is such a sensitive subject. I have looked after elderly relatives. I don’t judge anyone for choosing for relatives to go into a nursing home it is honestly just one of my worst fears in life. My statement they are all dreadful was insensitive and I do respect the care the staff give it is just hard for me to ever imagine myself in one. I could have worded that to reflect my opinion of them which, is personal to me and my feelings.

I want my children to live free and without any guilt in relation to me and my future care. This is something I am sure of. I can’t control what will happen or how they will feel if I do end up in a nursing home but they know how I feel so I hope that helps them if they find themselves with the same feelings as OP.

If you don't live too far away, keep your visits short. Most CHs have protected mealtimes (it may not apply to those with very severe dementia but usually covers the whole home) so you might want to consider a twenty-minute visit before these, when you'll have to leave. My mother has passed the point of saying hello to me or asking about life 'outside' - I think she thinks I live or work there, and just pass through occasionally. She seems very flat and underwhelmed by everything, including family visits, but that's very characteristic of dementia. As others have said, try to focus on the practical - check her bathroom cabinets, sort out her clothes, cut her nails, chat to staff about how she has been, etc. The most important thing you said in your post is 'she is safe' and that is what you have to focus on; I daresay you have been struggling for years to maintain an illusion of independence for her and worrying about her wellbeing. I don't think anyone wants to end their days in a CH but you have exhausted all other options by that stage.

2025istheyear

I owe you an apology for reacting as I did to your comment.

I did at the time think that my MIL was very awful for making the comment that she did.

However that has nothing to do with what you would want for yourself.

Apologies for not apologising earlier I mixed up who had said what within the embedded quotes.

@devongirl12 @diddl does not know me. She insulted me by calling me ‘as ridiculous as her stupid bitch MIL’ just because I never want to go into a a nursing home or have my children visit me in one.

Not sure why you feel justified in saying I am the horrible sensitive one!

As I said different people with different ways of how we treat our families.

My DH found visiting his DM really tough. Definitely impacted his mental health.
I think when our relatives don't recognise us/are really unhappy it's very tough and upsetting.
Having been through this not long ago, I think that your ability to advocate for your Mum is key here.
If you can't visit, you can ring the home regularly for an update. My MIL didn't always recognise DH but he would also write to her and the key worker would read the letter with her. She would then keep the letters and re-read them.
I think if you can find a way to connect and keep informed that's good.

That's how I read it too. That was a really insensitive comment to make to someone who's father had just gone into a care home. As this thread has shown its a very sensitive and difficult decision for people and that wasn't the time or place to be making that comment.

OP I'm sorry. I know it's a miserable position to be in, beating yourself up if you don't go, traumatised if you do. I don't know how to deal with it either. I would not judge you at all. I would tell my own DD to do what is best for her, take care of herself, and know that I love her unconditionally.

That's how I read it too. The MiL was effectively criticising the decision for @diddl's Dad to go into a care home rather than just expressing her feelings. It was tactless of MiL.

You don't need anyone's permission OP.

Don't worry about others judging you.

Just do what's right for you.

God I completely get how you feel

I moved my dad into a residential care facility and it has been amazing for him and given him a new lease of live

My visits have massively dropped off recently, and now I have flu and can't go, and I realise a few things that may be true for you too:

• I am exhausted
• I am exhausted with the stress and worry and only now realise that for the past 5 years I have used up all my holidays to go and care for him and I need a break, I deserve a break
• he is in good hands now so I can breathe and think about myself again a bit
• I am due some radical self care as I almost went under with stress (I also have a DH and DS with serious health and mental health problems)
• I am allowed to feel how I feel
• I do go and visit at regular intervals because he gets better care the more visitors there are
• but if I do not feel up to it I give myself a break

OP, I totally understand how you feel. having just spent 2 and a half years visiting my stepfather in his care home, I found it incredibly difficult. He absolutely didn’t know me at all for the last 18 months.
I ended up visiting every 6 weeks or so, on a Saturday about 1/2 hour before lunch when he tended to be at his best. I would phone every week for an update though.
Its bloody tough!