I can't visit the care home

Please don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have done your very best in very trying circumstances. Please know, your mum is safe, comfortable, in a warm comfortable bed, access to first class medical care, carefully prepared and nutritious food and drinks, living in a peaceful and prosperous country, surrounded by people there to care for her, along with specialists in dementia care and physio. At any point in human history, and indeed for billions of people on this planet right now, she is in a good place. Take comfort knowing you did your best for your mum, and that your pain comes from a good place of your love, and your grief of what has been lost - but it is not on you to carry any guilt.

If you do decide to visit, keep the visit short - maybe just hold hands, tell her a short or funny something about your day, and then leave, knowing she is well cared for and in good hands and you did your best. And if you don't visit, know the same - she is well cared for and in good hands and you did your best, no need for guilt. I don't know your mum, but like many mums I am sure that if she could she would tell to enjoy your life, there's nothing to feel guilty about xx

People with dementia often can't express things in understandable ways but they sure can feel things.

She might not know your name or appear to recognise you but people with dementia do show distressed and stressed behaviours that can be alleviated by visits from their loved ones. It might or might not be obvious during the visit but moods are frequently improved after a visit and a long time without a visit can lower moods. In particular, people can displays signs of worry such as obsessing about a particular person, worrying said person is ill or lost or that they (the person with dementia) has failed to call or visit their loved one and that their loved one will be/is upset with them.

Sorry just wanted to add that although she may not recognise you she will be happy at the 'kind lady' who sat with her and chatted with a kind smile and warm hand.

As an activity leader who's worked in a large care home and daughter who's late mum had dementia for nine long years I can see both sides... please do NOT feel judged as us carers/staff really do understand ❤️ If you visit mum try and make it around an entertainment afternoon where you can enjoy time with your DM and you both have something else to focus on esp if it's a music afternoon because they still remember their songs they once loved and do remember the words. Alternately paint her nails or purchase a reminiscence pack from Amazon they are amazing and very visual too ( all different decades) photographs or her favourite perfume may bring back memories. Try and visit at times where she might be more lucid ( between meals) before/after medication or maybe invite some of her friends to her room for tea or maybe a nice cuppa/walk in the homes garden if it's nice. Try to 'tap into what her likes/hobbies were before she got dementia... the oldest memories she may still have. Last of all try and stay positive and you will see results and your visits ( if you can) may be a lot better 🙏❤️🌹. X

Op I know exactly where you are coming from and I hope you realise everything you have said is totally normal and understandable. I’m going through this with both parents and apart from 1 uncle I am on my own. People who have large families to lighten the load have No Fucking Clue. Every visit exhausts me, in the early days I’d come home and go straight to bed. It gets easier but honestly it’s a duty.

OP what sort of relationship did you have with your Mum throughout her life. I am also an only and have a Mum with advanced dementia. It is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life as she was my best friend but having said that I don’t dread visits . We manage to connect on some level. I usually play some of her favourite music and she enjoys this and I sing a long too. I sometimes have to turn my head away as I am blinking away tears but I try and focus on her and for that hour I am with her try to put a smile on her face even if I am having to act as if I am happy . I always feel better for seeing her though. I understand your trauma response I very much had that when my dad was dying I was with him for hours in A and E but had to get out of there in the end . It is a fear response though and maybe you could try and think of ways you could connect with your Mum to make the visits enjoyable for you both . Do you have a friend who could go with you or take a dog if you have one ?

She was very thoughtless and gave her personal example of a completely different situation.

The relationship between you and a dgm is different to what the OP describes.

You had no expectations or responsibility. You also had your mother, aunts etc. So huge support network.

In no way comparable and yes, your post was judgemental and unhelpful.

Here's your medal for sitting with your dgm!

You sound like an incredible person op to care so deeply and for the five full years of care you gave along with your own circumstances 💐💐

you deserve to feel peace and I hope you get it

When my grandma was in a home with dementia (after living with my mum for years) my mum felt the same way OP.

I suggested she limit herself to the visits she knew she could do. Once a week (in my mum's case)? Okay, so every other day that week you know you're not going and can enjoy the day instead of trying to make yourself visit. You can schedule visits but that means giving yourself the rest of the time off.

If you go, go as early in the day as you can. Due to the sundowning my mum aimed to get there before 2, and if she ran late she'd postpone until the next day instead of getting there at 4 when it was all kicking off.

People with dementia don't always enjoy visits, my grandma found it distressing sometimes. We stopped buying her Christmas presents because it made her realise she'd forgotten Christmas and it upset her.

Don't expect more from yourself than you're able to do.

My Mum was in a nursing home for two years. She passed away in July.

I visited most days. I spent the two years advocating for her. Doing my best to keep her safe, but it never felt enough.
These places are understaffed, and many of the carers shouldn’t be doing the job. Not all, but alot of them don’t care about the people, and don’t treat them like human beings. It’s disgusting.

Do what you need to do op, but please consider what I’ve said. Many care and nursing homes are not fit for purpose.

Extremely judgemental. You are lucky that there was an abundance of carers to assist. Not everyone has that or is willing to sacrifice their own wellbeing and family for the care of one person. I'm certainly not and I feel no guilt.

There are also degrees of dementia - we have the aggression, hitting care home staff, throwing objects and furniture - bedbound would be a respite at the moment when there are constant falls and fights. DOLS status.

Hope you are okay OP. For me they are in a safe and secure environment despite the constant falls. I cannot imagine the havoc they would reek released into the wild. You have to find your own peace. I agree talking with staff and putting your mind at rest.

@Addicted2Sugar @catin8oots @Hoppinggreen @nearlylovemyusername Thank you for understanding what I was saying 😊

I agree it would be helpful if the OP could let us have more information, all we know is that her mother doesn't recognise her. Other than that there are so many variables we can't make any suggestions - how far away is the care home, what stage is her mother - is she in the lounge, is she still mobile and/or verbal, or is she bedbound and not reactive.

Of course that assumes the OP does want to be able to manage visits. Maybe she just needs to make peace with not visiting and that's something only she can do.

OP, can you come back at give us more information about why you find it hard and whether you want to have help with that, or whether you want to find peace with not visiting?

It wasn't just an opinion it was a completely different situation.

My Mum went into a care home 4 years ago. She was in her 70s but had dementia. My sister and I had to lie about where we were taking her and she wouldn’t unpack for the first few weeks as she was waiting to leave but didn’t know where to or who with. It’s the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life. My Dad simply couldn’t cope anymore with her erratic behaviour and it wouldn’t have been long til she came to harm. I live 250 miles away I have visited her twice. I sometimes visit my dad and don’t go to see her. My dad can’t bring himself to visit although does go about twice a year. It’s just too upsetting to see someone he loves like this.
I have a friend in a similar position with her dad and she has five siblings and large extended family and they make sure someone visits him everyday. He is about 100 miles away.
Im not sure what my point is but don’t judge yourself against what another family does. Families are complicated beasts and I too have grieved my mum already. Last time I saw her she asked who I was. It’s very painful having your mum not know who you are. As long as she is being cared for well, please do not listen to any judgement from anyone and as the awful phrase says, ‘you do you’.
I wish you all the best.

So only posts that concur with OPs opinion yeah? happy to get blasted over being ‘judgmental’: seems that giving a contrary opinion is verboten but meh. You put it on a public site so here’s my opinion:

OP - although it’s hard for you, it’s even harder for her being there 24/7. I’ve no idea what happened in your background so can’t comment but I think on the face of it you should summon up your strength and visit your mum. No doubt she went through tough times when you were small to look after you (although please correct me if I’m wrong) so hold her hand, talk to her and give her some warmth and humility in her final days.

What is it that affects you and why do you think it affects you? Is it the smell? Seeing the people? The way you feel about your mum?

My mum had alzheimer's. She would "recognise" people that she saw often. By "recognise" I don't mean she would know I was her daughter but I wasn't a stranger, I was someone she knew. People who didn't visit her regularly were strangers...no acknowledgement at all. However, when she's gone, will you torture yourself mentally if you don't go regularly? The only people that matter are you and her.

@Wishimaywishimight FWIW I didn't find your post nasty or judgemental. You were just relaying your experience.

Hi. I do sympathise with you. My mum went from hospital to a care home last December. She had dementia too but still knew who we were and still had good days to begin with.
I hated going it really spoiled my life. I'm an only one so apart from my DC there was no one else. I visited twice a week. The thing that helped me, I used to take two kalm tablets before I went, this seemed to take the edge off.

If she was in her room when I got there I persuaded her to get up and sit in the lounge. I felt slightly  better amongst other people. I used to chat with the carers if there were any about. Other than that I'd busy myself with sorting out her room. She passed away in June, I miss her terribly and wish I'd visited more.

i don’t have any advice but I want to say that you have been a good person to mind your mother all these years and I do understand 💐 it’s so complex and you have lost her already

She needs the care home staff to know that she has an advocate, someone looking out for her.

Could you do a very short visit once a week, say 20 minutes. Just sit and tell her about your week. As pps have said, it's one of those things that is easier to do if you keep up a routine.

It's so hard (believe me, I do know).