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Elderly parents
Original poster

Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

169 replies

tangoonfriday · 12/12/2024 09:49

DM and I live very far away from each other. With the cost of living crisis and my work arrangements it has been difficult financially for me, but I got plane tickets within my budget and going there for Christmas. When I told my DM (in her 80s) the dates I am coming over, it was not the joy we spend the time together but the problem she found in me coming over for only 5 days. A bit of a background, our relationship has never been easy and I moved abroad 30 years ago. I know that my DM would like me to drop my life and move back (but not with her, buy a property nearby and be available for her). I can not do this as it is simply impossible. When I visit DM she has 3 bedrooms (one is hers, one is an office and the third one spare). I stay in the spare one where I sleep on a chaise lounge as there is no bed or sofabed in that room. The sleeping arrangement is uncomfortable and I always return home with all sorts of pains. For nearly a decade I have been suggesting a bed or a sofa bed as I really can not stay there sleeping like that. DM always finds a reason why it is a no. She likes the room the way it is. I suggested me staying in a hotel but it offends her. To be completely honest, I used to go there (feeling so guilty) for two weeks (all my holiday) and sleep on this chaise lounge, waking up in pain. There would always be a conflict over family stuff from 30 ago, or some other things/ dramas so I gradually started reducing my visits time. This Christmas is 5 days and it is the shortest. I am being reminded over the phone (yes I call daily) for the last month, each day how 'I am coming for much shorter visit' (emphaisis on 'shorter'). I have a DP and life and we spend Christmas separately to accomodate all the elderly but I feel I am also allowed to have some time off over Chirstmas the way I want. My question is how would you deal with the 'nowhere to sleep' situation?

OP posts:
Jostuki · 12/12/2024 11:51

We have had these to sleep on when we have stayed in the stables overnight with a sick or horse in foal.

Surprisingly comfortable and fold away very small.

Or can be sold given that this is the last time you will go and stay at her unwelcoming abode!

www.argos.co.uk/product/5794005?clickSR=slp:term:bed%20folding:16:102:1

Parratha · 12/12/2024 11:51

Stay in a hotel. Don't discuss further with her - she sounds toxic and controlling and you've allowed yourself to be controlled.

You will "enjoy" the time much better in a hotel and choosing to pop in and visit her at your own free will. You will be able to escape back to the hotel when you choose. It will be so much more relaxing.

fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 11:49

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 12/12/2024 11:19

OP doesn't need to allow her mum to choose whether or not she is allowed to stay in a hotel!

She can make that decision all by herself.

I phrased it as giving the Mum a choice because the Mum objects to everything.
So present her with the choice of bed or hotel. Then she has to choose and that is what happens.
Rather than OP saying she is going to stay in a hotel and there being a massive fuss about it.
The OP isn't able to assert herself, presumably because of the way the Mum has gone on with her throughout her life. This might be a way the OP can begin to assert herself when she perhaps isn't ready to take the step of "Hey Mum, I'm staying in a hotel, end of discussion".

I would just stay in the hotel, but the OP doesn't really seem to have the boundaries and assertiveness to say that yet.

Chewbecca · 12/12/2024 11:47

I would stay in a nearby hotel, assuming there is one. It's a very straightforward compromise, you need some level of comfort at 50ish.

MiddleAgedDread · 12/12/2024 11:47

oh i get that about clothes hanging around and being left over the chair and spilling out of a suitcase from my mother when I stay too.....well this house used to be big enough for 4 of us but now every wardrobe and drawer is used by just 2! At least I have a double bed though, although there was chat about replacing it with 2 singles to accommodate the nephews who only stay a couple of nights a year.

Londoneye20 · 12/12/2024 11:46

Order a decent sofabed

NewGreenDuck · 12/12/2024 11:46

If the flights are refundable, tell her you have developed a very bad back and can't come as sleeping on a chaise longue would make it much, much worse.

ReignOfError · 12/12/2024 11:44

I’ve read your update. Honestly, just because she says things have to be done X way, it doesn’t make them compulsory? If she wants to eat at a certain time, for example, and it doesn’t work for you, let her crack on while you do what you need/want to. Or if you’ve agreed to cook something specific, just cook it and she can take it or leave it.

Or stay home. I would.

SockFluffInTheBath · 12/12/2024 11:41

You sound a bit snuffly OP, is that the flu starting? You can’t risk passing that on to your elderly DM…

Giggorata · 12/12/2024 11:33

I wouldn’t stay in the house any more. Not just about the bed either, because it sounds a bit tense generally and I would need the respite of a nice quiet hotel room at night and also to stalk off to, if she was being horrible.
(I might even invite her to Xmas dinner in the hotel)
I don't find air beds that comfortable either, even if you were allowed to have one.
But.. an elderly?

Flopsythebunny · 12/12/2024 11:29

tangoonfriday · 12/12/2024 10:01

sorry should have mentioned - not allowed airbed. DM doesn't like the look of it. I have tried so many suggestions. Similar problem with clothes. All wardrobes are full of DM clothes so I have nowhere to hang mine but it irks her that my clothes are hanging over chairs. My shoes, my suitcase. I always feel like she kind of wants me there but doesnt. Over the years I brought clothes so I do not have to carry too much when I travel but every time I am there she asks me what to do with my clothes as if she does not want them there.

I wouldn't bother visiting and if I did I would stay in a hotel.
You are no longer a child, stand up to her

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 12/12/2024 11:22

Be blunt with her.

' I wont be visiting again as you're so awkward about the bed situation and it's leaving me in pain and tired through lack of sleep. '

Try slight manipulation

' it's obvious you don't really want me there as if you did you'd have allowed me to sort out a bed and a lamp. But you won't, so I'm not coming and I don't feel guilty about it '.

If she sorts out the bed and she visits yet she starts picking arguments then leave.

I've had to have this conversation with many family members that as adults nobody is owed a relationship. If people are good to be around then they're going to find themselves on their own......that's my boundary. And it's a pretty basic one tbh.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 12/12/2024 11:19

OP doesn't need to allow her mum to choose whether or not she is allowed to stay in a hotel!

She can make that decision all by herself.

CookieMonster28 · 12/12/2024 11:15

That's pretty awful that she won't let you use an airbed for 5 nights! I'd take one anyway!

fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 11:03

I would offer her a choice.
Tell her that the current arrangement does not work for you because sleeping on the chaise is painful.
These are the choices:
a) a bed is put in the spare room (you can decide whether you want to offer to buy that or whether you get her to pay for her it and you help her order it, have it delivered etc.)
b) you stay in a hotel for the duration of the visit.

Those are the choices. There are no other choices.
Which one would she prefer?

And if she won't choose one of those I then you don't go.

HeyCol · 12/12/2024 10:59

Don't go. The price of the plane tickets is the price of peace. You've suddenly developed a tummy bug the night before and alas are unable to travel.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 12/12/2024 10:59

Just stay in a hotel. It's not your responsibility to ensure your mother isn't upset.

Honestly it's really not a big deal. If you're going to visit her in spite of all the aggro, it makes sense to make things as comfortable for yourself as possible.

colesr · 12/12/2024 10:58

I would not go at all. She sounds toxic and controlling af. You don't need to out yourself in that situation.

Nolegusta · 12/12/2024 10:54

Are the flights at all refundable or changeable OP? I've already replied regarding staying in a hotel, but the more I read the more I think 'stuff that'. Do something you'd enjoy!

Havalona · 12/12/2024 10:53

Face Time her. From your bed full of luxurious pillows and throws. Wish her Happy Christmas from your own home.

Do that once and you will see that it's the way to go.

If that's a bit too drastic, then a hotel and meals out. No compromises that's the deal.

I'm speaking from experience here. Believe me.

Original poster
tangoonfriday · 12/12/2024 10:49

The spare room is not used unless I visit. The chaise is there as it fits the space and for the look of it. Never used otherwise. To me it is completely useless and dead space. I suggested to buy a reading lamp as I love reading in bed. Fallen on deaf ears. I am now way too old for this opressive environment and my problem is I am by nature a soft, complying person who only started working on bundaries recently. To me the 5 days is a huge sucess, I am proud of myself. Romanticising those visits has always been my problem where I view it as a wonderful bonding time but it always ends up being full of memory lanes of historic dramas and talking about people who passed away and who did what etc. and what I did or didn't do and my first ex husband who passed away few years ago after us divorced for 15 years. Or there are meal time issues where there is this ruling of eating at certain time (not the times I eat at). Or the getting up issues. So for example if I have my plans I have to adhere around the meal times. I actually feel like I am 12 years old and never had my own life. Or I am being asked to cook something she would like, I then say ok lets make it today, DM will find a reason why not today, then I need to go back so until next time but she will say how again I did not cook this particular dish for her (guilt), and then few days later she will tell me how her friend made it for her and how delicious it was.

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 12/12/2024 10:43

Assuming she's in a position to afford a proper bed she's being incredibly selfish! It's not like she doesn't have the space for one.

I'd refuse to stay with her without a proper bed. And make it clear why you're staying in a hotel. You're still making the effort to visit, she's the one that's making it difficult.

Could she have "forgotten" your age, as in not really processed the implications? Mine sometimes acts like I am still a teenager and could happily still sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag!

Justmuddlingalong · 12/12/2024 10:41

So, everything's to suit her? Your comfort, finances and opinion don't matter one iota. Fuck that as a way of spending your money and holiday entitlement!

SuperfluousHen · 12/12/2024 10:38

Nolegusta · 12/12/2024 10:30

I'd be inclined not to visit in the future if she isn't willing to provide a bed or even let you sleep on an air bed. Seeing as you've booked the tickets this time I'd just turn up with the air bed and tell her if it goes then you go, or, more likely, I just book a hotel and tell her you need to sleep in a proper bed.

Hotel.
mother has vetoed the airbed in her house and will just whinge about it constantly.
Hotel has the added benefit of it not being mother’s house.

SuperfluousHen · 12/12/2024 10:36

MsPavlichenko · 12/12/2024 10:10

You must be mad to be tolerating this. It’s an abusive relationship, it’s coercive control. You are trying to appease an abuse r and as you have found out that doesn’t work.

Book a room for yourself, then tell her. Don’t discuss it, don’t justify it just say you are staying there. If she threatens you or tells you not to bother then don’t go. I know it won’t be easy, but you’ll start to feel better about yourself almost immediately.

Edited

This is the way, OP.
no negotiating, no discussion.
Take back your control over your choices.

You can then spend as much or as little time in her company as you choose to and you are sleeping in a decent bed with somewhere to put your clothes.

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