Visiting an elderly but nowhere to sleep

How did it all go OP?

You’ll just have to be blunt - you don’t have a bed for me so I’m not coming. End of.

How did things go, OP?

She doesn’t need to be in the same country to be affected by an awful parent. It consumes you, your stomach is in knots, you feel physically ill .

Crikey I mean this in the nicest way but step back, stop trying to please her, you can’t. This isn’t about you being a good/bad daughter she just gets her kicks from being awful. She thinks the calls are dry , your reaction should be ok I’ll cut them down then but instead because you are desperate for her to like you that’s not your response. Your partner probably sees what a cow she is and doesn’t tolerate it and why should he. Stop managing her well trying to, you can’t control how she treats you, you can only remove yourself.

Hi OP, just wondering how you got on with the visit?

In reality the op is doing very little! She’s not in the same country! She’s just phoning. Every 2-3 days would be more sensible. Just have something to say. She should insist on a bed when she visits though.

@BruFord of course. But I meant in this specific situation, and particularly in the lead-up to Christmas.

They're going to see each other in two weeks. It might be better to have more to say to each other, having only spoken once or twice more, rather than 14 times. Especially because OP clearly finds these calls draining and upsetting, likely becoming more depressed/anxious/dragged down each time.

It leaves very little time for living well when you become preoccupied with serving someone who gives you nothing positive back. OP has a responsibility to herself too - to give herself space from it instead of always pouring out. OP is clearly struggling and already feeling swallowed up by her mother's demands to a great extent just now.

Of course it's up to @tangoonfriday to do what she deems right!

@AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras People in their 80’s sometimes do need more than weekly calls though, especially if they’re living alone.

I called my Dad (86) once a week when my SM was alive, but I speak to him most days now. He needs the support and tbh, I’d be worried if we didn’t speak for a couple of days, as something might have happened to him.

You say, "my future is not that I will have someone to spend Christams with or talk to when I am old"

Your future could definitely be full of wonderful friends to spend Xmas with and talk to if you invest in friendships.

Weekly calls is more than enough.

In life it's really important to be able to let go of behaviours and patterns that no longer serve you (if they ever did!), that no longer spark joy, or that drain your energy and your happiness.

If you called less often you may have more small talk to fill the space.

I just would not go. Bed or no visit! Certainly don’t speak every day. Don’t say a time every week either. It’s a ball and chain. Phone when you have something to say.

Of course if the chaise is a suitable sleeping option in your mother's opinion I would feel free to suggest that she sleep there for your visit and you take her comfortable bed. This seems like a cost free and straightforward solution.

If she's not willing to make any compromises for you to have your basic need of a comfortable bed met then tbh she doesn't really want you there.

PS. I really like @Princessfluffy ’s phone call idea and script. Talking every day on the phone is totally OTT and controlling.

Your mother is clearly a dominating person (like mine). If you are used to / trained in putting up with whatever a dominator dishes out it can sometimes be hard to behave differently. Forums can be great for getting a helpful hold and push but therapy - with the right therapist, which may take a few trials to find - could be a strong source of support, strength and insight. At least I am finding this now. It also starts to help you focus on you rather than them.

Don't do it OP, she is being rude and inconsiderate. I wouldn't stay one night if someone made not the slightest provision for me as a (regular) guest. Time to put a stop to it. Tell her you won't be going for all the reasons you give here. Stay firm. As an adult you don't have to put up with this, especially from family.

Bless your heart, there's so much more to this than your original post suggested. Once you've moved past Christmas, and I can see you're compartmentalising that as a separate issue so that you can get past it, you really need to take some time to yourself to decompress. It sounds as though that will be difficult given you'll come home to a an equally controlling partner. Therapists are helpful to get you to see and understand what's happening but a supportive, personal friend may be required to help you form a clear plan so that you can move forward.

I'm glad the support and advice on this forum is helpful. Don't be afraid to ask for clear tactical/practical advice on here and in real life so that you can make real changes in your life, and don't be afraid to put yourself first, for once.

OP although you have moved to a different country and have been an adult for three decades it seems that your mum is still controlling you on a daily basis via phonecalls.

You were abused as a child and carry this into your adult life. This is not your fault but you are now as an adult able to do something about it. Therapy is the obvious way forward.

Your relationship with your mother as it stands seems very unhealthy for you. It also seems that your relationship with your DP has some similar unhealthy patterns.
YOU really matter OP, you need to cherish and love and value yourself.

As for the bed issue, tell your mother that you have some muscoskeletal problems and need to sleep in a bed. Ask her if this will be possible. If she says no then she has chosen that you are unable to stay with her at this time. Because she will not allow your basic needs to be met at her house. You can say "I understand and respect that it is important to you to be able to keep your spare room as you like it. Unfortunately however I do need a bed to sleep in due to my muscoskeletal issues so I will be unable to stay with you for Christmas."

As for the phonecalls, I'd say "I'm very busy at the moment and need to keep our phone calls as weekly not daily. I'll call you on Sundays at 7pm." Simply do not discuss this decision. Don't answer her calls on other days. If she moans on Sunday say, "it's a shame to have to waste our weekly call discussing why it's not a daily call".

Hotel is a better option, if you do go, than buying a bed for her place - or sleeping on the punishment chaise - as it's a one off response. Doesn't tie you into going again and sleeping on the new bed. It just fixes the immediate issue of comfort and space.

Stop being a martyr and book a hotel. If she's offended then you explain you can't sleep at her place as you are uncomfortable. End of discussion.

So you've linked up some really important information. Your mum is very sensitive to comparison and criticism, so much so that it seems however much she constantly projects out that she is perfect, she actually feels really not good enough. That's the bit she projects onto you. But actually, you are great. And she is ok too. Maybe how she behaves isn't ok, but she herself, if she could just be herself, probably is ok. This knowledge can help you separate her stuff from your stuff. So that she can't take away from you enjoying your Christmas tree. (In your head) Oh mum, just because I have something good, that I like, it doesn't mean yours weren't good, it's just not what I was talking about.

sounds to me OP your DM has some deep seated issues about validation / envy / and control in her own life and seems in order to make herself feel better she is in effect 'bullying' you to gain a higher ground... this sounds like a truly awful situation to be in and i can only assume she has nobody visiting her except you as this is how she treats others... except they steer clear for fear of confrontation (I don't think I could hold my tongue) you are an absolute saint 😇 for putting up with this but in doing so it is now harder to break the habit of being able to stand up for yourself, but you must put your own comforts and happiness to the forefront otherwise you are at risk of resenting your visits to your DM (although i think this resentment has already set in)
The only thing you can do going forwards is to be firm but truthful about how you feel and that if your needs cannot be met you will have no alternative but to stay in a hotel... as for the visits you should simply say i am going to do 1 day over xmas with you and 1 with my friends (that is fair) if she wants to give you the silent treatment ...all she is doing is spiting herself as you will be staying away if she sulks... wishing you all the best BE STRONG 😇😇😇

Thats ending a relationship stuff.....