Would it be unkind to visit on Christmas Day

Christmas is really special for a lot of people though, apart from my birthday, Christmas is my second most important day of the year. I'm not having it ruined by some miserable fecker just because we're related. Not interested in stapling myself to a cross for them, sorry. .

It’s not sanctimonious to say that you are willing to put up with PITA relatives for the one day.

Totally agree, if all the sanctimonious posters could just go and congratulate themselves on their patience in another room please that would be great ...

You're being deliberately obtuse here I suspect

We have a houseful of Elderly and sometimes difficult relatives on Christmas Day and I'd still say not to visit them on Christmas Day.

Your suggestion of Boxing Day sounds like a good compromise but I'd recommend going earlier than teatime as confusion often worsens as they get more tired during the day.

People might say that you should host them but it sounds as though they will have difficulty in coping with the day and you've probably had years of looking after them daily before they moved.

They are safe and the home will be lovely on the day. Enjoy your Christmas Day and see them another day

You must be very young then so I will explain . In the 70s and 80s homophobic comments such as calling gay people poofs was acceptable to a degree because some people did not know any better . Times have changed , for the better , and these types of comments are totally unacceptable by any person of any age .

I have no clue why people put up with awful behaviour just because they're family. It makes it worse somehow.

Sorry but I don’t ‘get the idea’.
No opinion can be ‘out of date’ surely. It’s an opinion, not a yoghurt!

Quite.
I would not invite adults, who should be capable of keeping their views to themselves, to spend the day insulting and upsetting me children. Well, to spend the day insulting any of my guests in truth.

Exactly.

That sounds like a great plan OP, absolutely yes - do it!

You have a lot to do in Christmas day and it didn't go well last year. My own mother is 93 so I know what you mean about outdated opinions. Just one of her so easier but we have teens and one is what used to be termed Asperger's and gets really agitated at some of her opinions and gets upset trying to show her why she's wrong even though we tell him to just leave it 😱 Fortunately I can close these things down so she will be coming. In your shoes I would go for a compromise solution. Either call into home for an hour but not morning as will be awful to get away ... especially this first year. Then I would either bring them home or take them out on Boxing Day. Thst way you have given them something to look forward to. Very hard all round I know 💐

I'd visit them in the home and to ry and encourage as many family members to visit around Christmas as possible (not all on the same day) . Continuity and adjustment are important and it sounds like they're well settled and management have a nice Christmas schedule in place which they'll enjoy

Sounds entirely reasonable. You are not leaving them in a grey cold house alone.

So you would happily expect your gay child to sit through a day of casual homophobia without causing an argument or falling out with their grandparents ? I think you would find quite quickly that it will severely affect your relationship with your child .

But there's always two sides to these things. The example above, I was the kid who never got a good Christmas because of elderly uncle with obnoxious views. Even though he's been dead for years now I still resent how my parents couldn't put their children first even just for one year.

I agree.

On the insistence of my sibling (early 20"s), my parents didn't invite my very elderly uncle to Christmas, when I was a teenager. Relative was harmless but with very outdated views. My sibling said it was them or him and my parents choose them.

It was his last Christmas. Even 20 years later I feel sad about it, angry at my sibling and my parents feel guilty and regretful is the decision they made.

This!!

@GinaDreamsofRunningAway truly, I hope you have lovely tolerable elderly relatives but I will not be inflicting mine on my DC on Christmas Day.

My DC already thinks I’m a door mat for putting up with the abuse DF dished out in front of them when we took DF to a medical appointment. Some elderly people have no filter left. At all. It is no fun for anyone. Add to that all the medical reasons they are in a nursing home - bringing them to a space without carers and no adaptations… nope.

I hope to be a very different elderly person one day. And if I need 24 hour care and supervision, I will be writing down now that I don’t expect my family to provide that. It needs a team of people who have shifts and holidays and are paid to be enthusiastic.

This!
These are your parents!! And they want to come to you. They probably really enjoy it and being with family.

We all have elderly relatives with old fashioned views but we learn to live with it and be patient with them. They could be gone at any time soon. I’m sure you can put up with them for one day.

One day that ‘elderly relative’ will be you!

@HalfasleepChrisintheMorning that's what I would do - I would say you find it a bit much when everyone and his mother is there and can't give them as much attention-

Been through this myself, I'd visit them in the home in the morning.

By the sounds of it last Christmas at your home was too much for them anyway, they will probably be better off in a smaller quieter setting although they may not be prepared to admit that even to themselves.

@MmeHennyPenny great update thank you.

To those who think elderly relatives should be rescued from a ‘nursing home Christmas’ and tolerated because it might be their last Christmas… today my elderly parent told me he wishes I was dead and wouldn’t kill me only because he’d go to prison. He thinks I should go to prison because being in the home is like being in prison.

It is just not as simple as taking him to my house for Christmas dinner.

This.

We also had this situation with my Mum who was in a care home and wanted the usual Xmas activities at our house last year. However, she couldn't really use the loo here (lack of bars to hold on to), she found it difficult to navigate around and was really awful to one of our DS who she didn't agree with. He did nothing wrong (and actually was really sweet and kind to her) but has an earring, clothes and hair style that are normal, but are currently in fashion. She would be very vocal about this, expecting him to look like it was the 1950s! She stayed in the home for Xmas day and we all went to see her and took an Xmas tea as a picnic to have with her in her room. It was much easier because she was much less critical and DH could go out with DS to the pub if needed.

EDIT - DS is in his twenties, so pub not an issue. It was nice to be able to have a "get out" if needed.