Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Trying to work out what might happen next

42 replies

Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 06:57

I've posted here a few times recently and everyone has been so helpful

My Dad was fully functional until about 5 weeks ago when he suddenly forgot how to get into the bathroom and became very confused and agitated. Since then he's been in hospital 3 times by emergency ambulance, twice in his home town and this time in my home town because we brought them to stay with us for some respite (he was refusing any care options and Mum couldn't cope, their home is also unsafe after a leak)

He's been in hospital for a week now but we're not really any further forward, they are being great and I do think they are trying everything they can. they've said he has delirium from constipation but think there is more to it than that. He's barely eating or drinking and is losing weight (1-2Kg a week, he's barely 7 stone and is very underweight and frail)

Mum saw him yesterday and said there were short glimmers of Dad but he was very agitated about a baby going missing and them blaming him. He got upset so mum gave him a tissue and he looked at it and said I don't know how to use that 😢 it is like he has lost his cognitive ability but it is so sudden. They have tried to do a memory test a few times but he just can't do it.

They want to know if he can come back to my home on discharge, I'm just not sure we can deal with his care needs, or if he will even accept help (there was talk of dols but not certain if it's gone ahead). We struggled before this latest hospital spell and I think he's worse now. They've asked us to consider a DNR due to how frail he is.

I don't know when discharge might happen, they actually asked mum for my home address yesterday, she didn't have her address book so couldn't remember it (we've not long moved) would they just discharge him here with out my agreement? I don't want him to think he isn't wanted but have to be realistic, we have a primary age child and I have to think of their wellbeing.

Any experience or thoughts would be welcome 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 08:05

JussathoB · 07/12/2024 07:51

Sorry to hear this OP. Actually a family member of ours had a similar sudden deterioration - he was 90 but had been very good mentally and physically, caring for his wife who had dementia and poor eyesight, but then suddenly became completely detached from reality and incapable of making any sense at all. In hospital they never found a clear explanation for what had happened and he went into a care home and sadly died a few months later.
Does it seem as if you could care for him if discharged to your house? I would be worried about this and avoid it at all costs personally. Insist on getting proper information from the hospital about what the alternatives are. Sounds as if he needs full time care at the moment.

I have wondered if this is his body shutting down in some way, he is in his 80s.

As he is I don't think we could care for him, when he was staying with us he refused any help, getting quite aggressive if we tried. It got to the point of him not washing and sleeping in his clothes, but refusing our assistance or my offer to get someone in to support him. None of this is usual for Dad, he is normally quite calm and amenable 😞

OP posts:
SENMUMwhatnext · 07/12/2024 08:02

Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 07:20

There is no way I or mum could, my partner and I work full time in quite full on jobs. I ended up off sick just before he went into hospital this time as I wasn't coping

Show quote history

I was assuming this was the case. To be honest I don’t think anyone could cope
with that. I think you need to have an honest conversation with your Mum, you need to focus on who best can meet your Dad’s needs. You will need very strong boundaries when you have these conversations. For your Mum you can always phrase it as just will they stabilse Df and find out what is happening. But an older frail person barely eating it normal for the last 6 months of life. I’m not saying it is his last 6 months as things could change but I wish someone had said this to me when we hit that stage with my Mum.

Original poster
Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 08:00

pantsalot · 07/12/2024 07:36

I think it's a good idea that they are rechecking scans. An elderly friend of the family recently went into hospital with 'obvious' stroke symptoms. Hospital said that she hadn't had a stroke. Nine days later she had a stroke and the hospital confirmed it after re looking at her first scan and confirming this was a second stroke. Her family are furious at the hospital for missing it. Anyway, she's doing really well now so it didn't end awfully, thank goodness.

I hope you get some answers soon. Flowers

I'm hoping they can get them, if not I wonder if they would redo, but that's a pain (and a cost I know) as the hospital he's in won't have that facility.

OP posts:
JussathoB · 07/12/2024 07:51

Sorry to hear this OP. Actually a family member of ours had a similar sudden deterioration - he was 90 but had been very good mentally and physically, caring for his wife who had dementia and poor eyesight, but then suddenly became completely detached from reality and incapable of making any sense at all. In hospital they never found a clear explanation for what had happened and he went into a care home and sadly died a few months later.
Does it seem as if you could care for him if discharged to your house? I would be worried about this and avoid it at all costs personally. Insist on getting proper information from the hospital about what the alternatives are. Sounds as if he needs full time care at the moment.

pantsalot · 07/12/2024 07:39

Also, how can they discharge him if he's barely passing urine surely that has to be fully investigated. No way would I agree for him to be discharged until I had some answers. Good luck.

pantsalot · 07/12/2024 07:36

I think it's a good idea that they are rechecking scans. An elderly friend of the family recently went into hospital with 'obvious' stroke symptoms. Hospital said that she hadn't had a stroke. Nine days later she had a stroke and the hospital confirmed it after re looking at her first scan and confirming this was a second stroke. Her family are furious at the hospital for missing it. Anyway, she's doing really well now so it didn't end awfully, thank goodness.

I hope you get some answers soon. Flowers

Original poster
Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 07:25

WhitbyBee · 07/12/2024 07:23

I assume that he has had a brain scan for a stroke (sounds likely) or tumour

He's had a head CT and a body CT, then an MRI. All were ok, I also thought stroke initially

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 07:24

vdbfamily · 07/12/2024 07:09

I think if he went from totally week and coping independently to being as confused as you are describing, you need to really understand the medical situation. Do the doctors know that this behaviour is totally out of character? How long has he been losing weight for? Has he had CT/MRI scans? Is constipation normal for him? Ask the ward to keep care diaries to show you what his 24 hour care needs actually are and whether he is accepting help and whether he has night time needs.
Be honest with them about how much you can offer in terms of support and ask what the liner term plan for support would be if he was discharged to your house short term.
Ask to speak to ward Occupational therapist and explain your concerns.

We've explained over and over how this is not normal for Dad, he was sorting his telephone banking independently in late Oct. I doubt he could make any sort of phone call now.

He's had CTs and an MRI when he was still at home, the hospital here are trying to get copies to re check them.

That's a good suggestion about a care diary, I'll ask.

OP posts:
WhitbyBee · 07/12/2024 07:23

I assume that he has had a brain scan for a stroke (sounds likely) or tumour

Original poster
Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 07:20

SENMUMwhatnext · 07/12/2024 07:07

Unless you’re able to provide 24 hour care then I think it’s in your DF best interests to say no.

There is no way I or mum could, my partner and I work full time in quite full on jobs. I ended up off sick just before he went into hospital this time as I wasn't coping

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 07:19

shellyleppard · 07/12/2024 07:02

I'm sorry your dad is so poorly. They shouldn't send him home without some sort of care plan in place. Can you meet with the hospital team and refuse to have him home until a care plan is in place?? It might sound harsh but we had to do this when my mum was poorly. The confusion could be caused by a urine infection, have they tested for one?? Good luck with it, it's not an easy time x

They have and all is ok, he's barely passing urine so there has been talk of a catheter. Dad said no, his reason was that he'll end up with no arms and legs if that happens. I'm so worried, something seems to have gone badly wrong in his brain 😢

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 07/12/2024 07:10

That should read well, not week!

vdbfamily · 07/12/2024 07:09

I think if he went from totally week and coping independently to being as confused as you are describing, you need to really understand the medical situation. Do the doctors know that this behaviour is totally out of character? How long has he been losing weight for? Has he had CT/MRI scans? Is constipation normal for him? Ask the ward to keep care diaries to show you what his 24 hour care needs actually are and whether he is accepting help and whether he has night time needs.
Be honest with them about how much you can offer in terms of support and ask what the liner term plan for support would be if he was discharged to your house short term.
Ask to speak to ward Occupational therapist and explain your concerns.

SENMUMwhatnext · 07/12/2024 07:07

Unless you’re able to provide 24 hour care then I think it’s in your DF best interests to say no.

shellyleppard · 07/12/2024 07:04

Also if they send him home without a care plan in place its an unsafe discharge and they can get in trouble for it

shellyleppard · 07/12/2024 07:02

I'm sorry your dad is so poorly. They shouldn't send him home without some sort of care plan in place. Can you meet with the hospital team and refuse to have him home until a care plan is in place?? It might sound harsh but we had to do this when my mum was poorly. The confusion could be caused by a urine infection, have they tested for one?? Good luck with it, it's not an easy time x

Original poster
Snowdrop2016 · 07/12/2024 07:00

Just to add, we've tried to talk to Dad about what he wants to do but he hasn't yet been able to tell us. He just says he can't explain or make anyone understand 😞

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread