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Elderly parents
Original poster

I can't do this anymore

560 replies

ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 15:57

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 14/12/2024 10:35

I'm glad it has worked out, that she will now be comfortable and that you can have some peaceful time with her.

You are right that people are not at their best under this sort of grief and stress and hopefully you'll now be able to give support and comfort to each. Flowers

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 14/12/2024 09:59

Her grandkids think the world of her, she's the head of this family. always been the voice of reason, without her I think we all just got a bit aggy & cross because it was always her who we went for advice.
I'll update later because I'm going to make myself cry writing this, and I need to eat before I drive over.
Thanks ladies for holding my hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 14/12/2024 09:57

SIL did redeem herself, I know why she acted like that she is scared of loosing her.
She really does love her mum, it's the unknown, it's the how do you live without your parents.
I'm sorry I've painted everyone in such bad lights, normally we are a close family. It's the stress.
Now things are setttling down, she doesn't even want to leave her at the hospice she's staying with her tonight. DP would too but he has to be here because of the kids.

OP posts:
FrogsLoveRain · 14/12/2024 09:56

Itsgottobeme · 14/12/2024 08:58

Seen update. But poor woman sitting in the middle of all you lot. She must have felt so loved...

I'm sure she felt loved by the OP and her grandchildren.

OP has stepped up when her useless DP and SIL haven't!

SheilaFentiman · 14/12/2024 09:49

Ah, that’s great that she’s on her way to the hospice.

Dolphinnoises · 14/12/2024 09:40

Cross post - oh what good news

Dolphinnoises · 14/12/2024 09:40

Good morning @ChristmasGrinch24 - I hope you got a little bit of sleep, and I hope all goes smoothly today. I’m so sorry to hear about your DS, what a hideous time you have had. Keeping everything crossed for you and your poor MIL today. Don’t forget that in the fullness of time your home insurance will probably help you out with a lot of these expenses. I’m thinking of you.

As for your MIL, while she may hate the idea of the transfer, I really think once she’s settled, and is being properly looked after, she’ll be happier and more accepting of the situation.

Your SIL has behaved appallingly, obviously, but plenty of time to process that later.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 14/12/2024 09:39

She's gone via ambulance now with SIL. I'm just getting the dc ready & we're going over.

OP posts:
IAmTooOldFor · 14/12/2024 09:39

ChristmasGrinch24 · 14/12/2024 09:30

Shut up.

Show quote history

Well said 😂

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 14/12/2024 09:30

Itsgottobeme · 14/12/2024 08:58

Seen update. But poor woman sitting in the middle of all you lot. She must have felt so loved...

Shut up.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 14/12/2024 09:23

Good to see your update. It’s fine for everyone saying no matter what, they would care for dying relative in their home, until you’ve had to do it, you really don’t realise what in entails, especially when you have a disability yourself along with other family members. Nobody wants to end up in a hospice, but it’s the next best thing to home. My brother wanted to stay and die at home, which was fine, my sister in law was there the whole time. It was fine when the nurses came and the doctors came to administer pain relief, but things go wrong and he didn’t get one of his overnight visits and he was literally screaming out in pain, if he were in a hospice with his wife beside him, he wouldn’t have had to be in pain.

SheilaFentiman · 14/12/2024 09:15

Do you have a time for the pick up this morning, @ChristmasGrinch24 ?

SheilaFentiman · 14/12/2024 08:59

Itsgottobeme · 14/12/2024 08:56

How can you or dp not carry a 5 stone person. I could do this for mine when I was 12 years old. Carry her into car and hospital.
It sounds likes it's your home. Why aren't you telling them to leave in all this. You've kept saying you'll leave! No no they need to.

Maybe read the updates before you post? There’s two from OP on this very page.

ETA - cross post, but my point stands.

Itsgottobeme · 14/12/2024 08:58

Seen update. But poor woman sitting in the middle of all you lot. She must have felt so loved...

Itsgottobeme · 14/12/2024 08:56

How can you or dp not carry a 5 stone person. I could do this for mine when I was 12 years old. Carry her into car and hospital.
It sounds likes it's your home. Why aren't you telling them to leave in all this. You've kept saying you'll leave! No no they need to.

DPotter · 14/12/2024 03:09

You must be so relieved.

Here's hoping you have a quiet night and an easy transfer

BruFord · 14/12/2024 00:33

I’ve only read your updates, OP, I’m so glad that your MIL is finally safe and can be properly cared for.

I’m frankly appalled by your DO and his sister, what on earth is the matter with them? They should have taken responsibility at this very difficult time, but they let you take on the majority of the burden (pretty much all of it, tbh) and your SIL just caused additional stress. She wasn’t thinking of what was best for her mother nor your family.

You said that you won’t have anyone for her in the future and I think that’s a good idea as she’s shown her true, very selfish colors. I think that you also need to have a serious talk with your DP about responsibilities- you’re not the default carer of the family who picks up the slack when he doesn’t want to. Being an adult child is hard sometimes, but he needs to grow up and do the best he can for his mother in her final days. 💐

Thoughtsareswirling · 13/12/2024 22:39

My father died in a hospice and it was the only place he felt secure and properly looked after. The staff were absolute angels. Well done OP. She will be well looked after and you can have a well deserved rest.

Weenurse · 13/12/2024 22:39

I am so glad you have a plan and support

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 13/12/2024 21:44

I also felt a lot of peace when my husband went into the hospice after a lot of struggle, I think you will and she will too, they are calm places where you can be together without the stress of trying to care in unsuitable conditions. You have a lot going on in your own life OP, and you have been a star to care for her when you have to care for so many others as well as yourself.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 13/12/2024 21:25

I honestly don't care about the bed, or the carpets any of it. It's replaceable. The carpets needed new ones putting down anyway it was the stress of it the back & fourthing, not knowing what would happen, not having a care plan in place, just being left by the hospital to get on with "it", family aruging because we all felt like theee would never be any support in place.
I know I've ranted, raved, and cried on this thread and I thank everyone whose held my hand all the way you all have helped me so much.

I'm just happy she's got somewhere that will give her her dignity & safety back, she is a very strong independent woman & I know this has been her worse nightmare.
But now the nurses will help with that and she will feel like she has some control back. It's a weird kind of at peace with the situation feeling.

OP posts:
AInightingale · 13/12/2024 21:10

Sure you're relieved OP. And owed a new bed I think.

SendMeHomeNow · 13/12/2024 21:01

Well done OP. I’ve had numerous relatives die in hospices, old and young unfortunately & I agree with the PP they are generally lovely caring places with decent staff levels and excellent care and pain relief. I hope you manage to have a calm Christmas as much as is possibly and that you get some rest.

Anjo2011 · 13/12/2024 20:49

Just reading your update, firstly I think you have been amazing at such a challenging time. I hope the move beings some much needed respite for you all. Your MIL will be comfortable and you can all visit in calm surroundings. Sending good wishes.

Cakemaker2222 · 13/12/2024 20:33

That’s great news. Glad your mil got sorted. Hospices are like sanctuaries ime and your mil will be in the best place for dignity and pain relief. X