I can't do this anymore

Great post @AnnaMagnani also for all the bashing of homes and CHC I cannot fault what I have experienced for our Dad. Social workers, OTs, physios, cleaners, HCAs earning next to nothing. Fabulous fabulous human beings. Way superior to me. I am in awe of these people.

@BlueLegume @ChristmasGrinch24 at the meeting the hospice should confirm how the care home will be funded, this will very likely be Fast track CHC.

In terms of finding a home, CHC funding usually means a care home with nursing. The hospice may give you a list.

Don't waste your time looking at care homes that don't offer nursing.

And yes vibe is a lot more important than facilities. I've been to show home type care homes with major Safeguarding concerns and tatty ones where it was clear they really cared for their residents.

I don't know what your DH and SIL are planning Ginch, but I'm going to assume you can't care for your MIL in your home.

You may feel under pressure to take her back. If this happens, just say No. Do not expand, do not give reasons, do not give excuses. The social workers will try to offer 'solutions' to you reasons and excuses.

But the truth is anyone will only get up to 4 care visits a day. And when I say day, I mean just that - day. Not night, ie, not after say 10 /11pm until 7/8am the next morning. The care visits are brief and only vaguely at agreed times, so a first thing visit can be from 8-10am, lunchtime 11-2, etc etc. Only you can judge if you can care for your MIL with this level of input.

Even if you can - please don't take her home before Christmas. There's no hope of getting everything in place within 2 days of the meeting, with the best will in the world. You have 2-3 weeks at the hospice - use them to re-charge your batteries

@ChristmasGrinch24 as @AnnaMagnani said it will be down to you to find the home. From experience this is stressful. It isn’t about seeing one you fancy - they will do their own assessment and decide if they can cater for the relative. They also need to have a space. Some won’t. I would also suggest you go for a nursing home so that if there is any deterioration they can still cater for the relative. I called over 60 when trying to find a place for my Dad and only one could offer us a space. Thankfully the manager/Matron and I clicked immediately. A good place to start https://www.cqc.org.uk/care-services/find-care-home

Also do not be swayed by boutique hotel vibes. When you are at this point cinema rooms and games rooms are utterly pointless. Do pursue CHC (continuing health care) it isn’t means tested and is notoriously difficult to secure but if you don’t ask you won’t get! good luck and let us know how things progress.

Usually what happens is they explain what her care needs are and if it's even feasible to deliver them at home.

Given we already know it isn't, they will make sure everyone, including the unrealistic family members, agree.

They will then tell you to go and look at care homes - they don't find one for you. I've only had to do this once in 20 years when it was clear the family thought if they didn't look, we'd forget about it and let them stay.

They need to find her a nursing home space, keep repeating this is the only option.

At the meeting I'd expect them to say she needs a care home and the process for finding one.

If you can, try and speak to the person who will be running the meeting to make it clear your house is not an option and you don't want to be put in a difficult position in front of your ILs.

How are you, OP? I have been following this thread and not posted before but I have been thinking of you and hoping you're ok.

You will not have to pay. If she has no assets the CHC funding will pay and it is fast tracked anyway for hospice/palliative care.

I was also startled when we got to the hospice and they said we might have to leave again in 3 weeks, in our case, it turned out the relative then died within those three weeks. Sometimes people can go on a very long time and they will put them in a care/nursing home if it looks like they might last a long time or even improve, sometimes people do rally or if they have a very slow declining illness, they are admitted to hospices for stabilisation in palliative care, but they do move them on. I have to be honest, though, this might not be the case here, with your MIL, and they cannot know that yet, they are just warning you a) she might possibly get transferred if she is stable and still needing palliative care, and b) they will not do any resucitation or anything to 'artificially prolong life' like give antibiotics or medicines at this stage, they call this proceeding towards a natural death, which is against how we usually think, but in fact, it's very kind to let people naturally die rather than artificially prolong their life just so they can die slower, and this is the difference between medicine and palliative care.

OP, you are doing well, it is a confusing and stressful time but you will not have to take her home to your house, just refuse all care and they will assess her and find a place if needs be, and it might be it's not needed. I wish you all peace at this time.

You wouldn't be expected to pay for a care home (it isn't for families to pay for this). If she did need to leave the hospice she'd be assessed and highly likely get a CHC funded place in a care home.

Don't panic about the money either!

If they assess her as having a prognosis of less than 3 months (it's not always exact but a best guess) then she will be eligible for NHS CHC Fast track funding for the care home.

If she isn't, and most hospice patients are, then they will refer to Social Services to fund it.

The hospice do this every day, it's second nature to them.

Given how awful this has been, and the struggles you have had with the family dynamics, I think it would be worth asking to speak to a doctor at the hospice privately on Monday to make it clear that she is never coming back to yours, and the rest of the family have put a lot of pressure on you.

@ChristmasGrinch24 this is very normal for hospices - they put out the warning that it is a 2 week stay at the beginning just in case the patient/family thinks they can live there long term.

Having said this:

A lot can happen in two weeks. Someone may not look end of life at the beginning of an admission but have changed a lot a week later

It isn't that you are turned out on your ear after a fortnight - if it looks like the person has a longer prognosis, then they will do a lot of discharge planning to make sure that the person goes to the right place. This might be home with a care package or to a care home.

Again, if you haven't found a care home after 2 weeks it isn't the end of the world - although if families try to play the system by just not looking and hoping the hospice will just let them stay, they are wise to this (rare, but it does happen).

So don't panic over the 2 week thing, there is a lot of assessment and treatment yet to come and you will absolutely be heard that she is not coming back to your house.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandad's experience, @Sunnybow94 I've been taken aback by some people's responses on this thread basically shaming and blaming the OP and implying that the help is there and readily available if they would only take it. Not to mention those absolute wingdings who seem to think she would be admitted immediately if she was bundled off to A&E in a car. As you say, it's the mountain of admin, the overworked GPs, the shortage of palliative care beds generally, that is creating this nightmare for families.

That's good to hear. Now try to relax a little if you can and be kind to yourself.

I’m with you @Itsgottobeme

I’ve just read all of your updates and cried for you and your family. Ignore all the horrible commenters op they will never be able to put themselves in your shoes. I hope your ds is ok and all results come back normal and I’m so pleased you managed to get the care for your MIL that she deserves, it sounds like you love her very much but caring for 3 people with a medical condition yourself is not possible.
My grandad was recently cared for at home until he died and as you’ve just witnessed there is very little help and support. Unfortunately with delays in paperwork and no one communicating, despite my families best efforts to get him what he needed, he died unmedicated and in pain and distress, which was extremely upsetting for everyone. You have absolutely done the right thing making sure your MIL will be comfortable and cared for properly around the clock. I hope you manage to get a bit of rest now.