I can't do this anymore

Please just switch off from all this for the next few days and focus on you and your children having a lovely calm Christmas. You’ve absolutely done the right thing by blocking SIL - it is entirely up to her and your husband to do MIL stuff. Visit if and when you want to but otherwise just leave them to it.

Despite your own health troubles, you have been kind and tolerant. You miraculously and singlehanded got MIL the best option going. Fabulous now to shut SIL down. You have done the right thing. DMil won’t want visitors 24/7.

My mil was a cunt to me too when I was caring for dh on my own with no sleep (dh would need me in the night) and one dn visit a day to change his syringe driver.

Its not true that your not good enough but it’s hard to hold onto that thought at times like this.

I have not seen mil since dh died.

@ChristmasGrinch24 I’d block her number now and let your DH deal with her going forward. How dare she call you a shit Mother after all you’ve done for HER Mother. 😡

Seriously, enough is enough.

I was thinking the same @AnnaMagnani.

If I were the OP, I’d be sorely tempted to say this while SIL was having a go at me. If she thinks that someone needs to stay with her Mother, she should do it herself.

Your SIL is very good at telling everyone what they should do as a cover for not doing it herself, isn't she?

Honestly when this is over I'd be thinking about how much you want to see her in the future.

OP, your SIL is irrational and venting. Just do what you can do for your husband and remember your children are the priority.

I'm sorry about the stress with DS at what has already been an enormously stressful time, understatement of the year!

It's good though that the hospice admission is then put the fast-track funding in place and they will find somewhere for her, it's great if they can do that as they now know her needs, likely prognosis, pain management schedules and so on, and so whatever they find will have to meet those requirements, or they won't be able to move her, so they will have a strong incentive to find somewhere good and that has the required nursing care. Hospices are usually fantastic at this bit as they are all specialists in these areas, rather than ending up on a generalist ward where they then don't have a good idea what's needed and try to discharge unsafely. I think your MIL is well cared for due to you, you probably haven't taken it all in yet and I know it's still sad and hard to go through it all, but she's in safe hands for Christmas and you must allow yourself a small pat on the back for getting that to happen.

I suggest you sit your partner down and say very clearly that you are unable to cope with his mother's care and that she needs professional help. Social Services will carry out an assessment but many adult SSD don't have open caseload, as in, there is an assessment and recommendations about the care needed and depending on the SSD, some help in getting those services but not a lot of ongoing SSD support from the same Social Worker.
At the very least, your MIL should be getting Attendance Allowance (ask for help in completing this form) so that some care can be brought in. It sound as though she should be on the highest rate which is around £432 a month which won't buy much care, but if she had no money than SSD should be offering some carer time too. That varies in time and quality depending on where you live.
If Residential Care is the preferred option then ask for it and really stress that you cannot cope with her needs and nor should you be expected to do so.... by SSD, medics or your nearest and dearest. I'm afraid that it is a case of the more you do the more you may unless you are emphatically saying NO WAY!
If MIL is to stay at home, many GP surgeries have a Social Prescriber who can help with contacting appropriate services...District Nurse, Incontinence service, medical equipment such as a Hospital bed and air mattress, etc.
I wish you the best in finding some ongoing support and practical help.

Another wishing your DS a good outcome.
Your kids sound like they have put up with so much but just muddled through positively these past few weeks. They and you sound like heroes.
Very few people could have coped the way you have done OP. Channelling positive vibes for the next stage.

I've only just seen your thread OP but just wanted to say I'll offer a hand to hold. It sounds as if you've been absolutely amazing.
Also hope your lad is ok today

There is a Mumsnet saying that No is a complete sentence.

Your partner needs to say No to this request.

Hoping your DS is ok OP

@ChristmasGrinch24

Would it be at all possible to find a care home nearer where your SiL lives? Maybe that would shift the burden to her as far as keeping company, staying overnight, etc. You've done enough already.

If I were you I'd be very careful if you have to turn the 'find a home' chore over to your DH and his sister. I'd worry that she'd suggest moving MiL back in 'for a few days whilst we're looking' and then scuttle off. Does DH have the backbone to put his foot down if you aren't there to threaten putting yours up his arse if she does?

That’s awful. Why does she think that is necessary? Your MIL isn’t end of life. I would try to get her to explain and maybe she’ll realise how unreasonable she is being. I expect your MIL would think it unreasonable too from what you’ve told us about her.
I hope all goes well for your DS.

@ChristmasGrinch24 Sounds like a horror show OP, you have my fullest sympathies.

Hi @ChristmasGrinch24

I would not worry about a social worker being there pressuring you to take her home. For starters most hospices don't have one! Even if they do, they are there to help you and facilitate a safe discharge.

From what you have said I am 99.9% sure this will be a CHC Fast track - so the funding is in place for her care whether it is at home or in a nursing home. It is not the council paying for the home.

The hospice will just want to make sure it is the right place, they have no incentive to push for home - and for your MIL it sounds like all her relatives now agree that its a nursing home.

In terms of what you are looking for, your top priority is that it says Care Home with Nursing
Officially hospices aren't supposed to recommend anywhere, in reality they will often be able to tell you 2-4 places that almost all of their patients go to.

A home saying they do Palliative Care isn't totally helpful as a lot of care homes will advertise this when they don't have nursing.

The hospice should have the current local list and be able to point you in the right direction so you aren't calling every single home on the list.