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Elderly parents
Original poster

I can't do this anymore

560 replies

ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 15:57

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

OP posts:
Bluebellyhedge · 05/12/2024 09:18

Your dh is a selfish twat.

Bluebellyhedge · 05/12/2024 09:18

This is crazy. Your dh needs to step up. He needs to ring her GP and sort a hospice bed.

You don't deserve this but neither does your mil.

cestlavielife · 05/12/2024 09:09

Livelovebehappy · 04/12/2024 23:01

That’s harsh. Have a terminally Ill family member be turfed out at such short notice?!

Show quote history

To a hospice or care home where they can get thex24 7 care they need

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 05/12/2024 09:00

Thanks for the replies, I woke up late this morning after dealing with hypos with my diabetic son through the night & up and down helping his mum. DP hadn't even got the dc up for school. This is the icing on the cake.
Today I go on the war path. This isn't practical or fair on anyone, including his mum she deserves better.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 04/12/2024 23:01

cestlavielife · 04/12/2024 18:09

How did she move in without carer support?
Dh needs to arrange housekeeping support to change beds etc and carer support
But main point
Tell dh she moves out tonight As you cannot provide the care she needs

That’s harsh. Have a terminally Ill family member be turfed out at such short notice?!

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 22:41

ImAnAutum · 04/12/2024 22:28

I think a few separate things need to happen. 1st social services, for her and also for yourself. I'm not sure what role macmillian do in your area, but get them out again. Also 1st thing in the morning contact GP and ask for urgent visit, that sudden change could absolutely be something reversible eg infection that needs antibiotics, hypoxia that needs o2 and nebs or u mentioned steroids, does she have a brain tumour? Sometimed steroids just need increased to mange swelling. Lots of things to be looked into. Please, please insist your dh steps up.

She most likely (pretty 99 percent certain) she has brain mets on her brain. But we're awaiting CT scan results that will take a week or so.
Shes refusing all steroids this might explain why she's so bad?

OP posts:
ImAnAutum · 04/12/2024 22:28

I think a few separate things need to happen. 1st social services, for her and also for yourself. I'm not sure what role macmillian do in your area, but get them out again. Also 1st thing in the morning contact GP and ask for urgent visit, that sudden change could absolutely be something reversible eg infection that needs antibiotics, hypoxia that needs o2 and nebs or u mentioned steroids, does she have a brain tumour? Sometimed steroids just need increased to mange swelling. Lots of things to be looked into. Please, please insist your dh steps up.

AnneElliott · 04/12/2024 22:05

I think you need to ask her GP to urgently refer her to palliative care. And when you speak to them you need to tell them you can't cope any more. That's what my mum had to do to get my dad into a hospice.

They should have referred her already but so many people fall through the cracks.

MyrtleStrumpet · 04/12/2024 21:54

ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 21:23

Never agreed. She was just staying the odd night here and there. We saw her last week and she was perfectly fine. No confusion, really sharp etc.
She came and stayed 2 days later and was a completely different person and it was clear as day she wasn't safe to be on her own. She doesn't know where she is most of the time.
It was an emergency but my partner isn't doing anything to sort where she goes next! Him & his sister are clueless.

He has been helping her around the house & outside making sure she doesn't fall, doing her meds and trying to get her to eat etc but I'm doing the bulk of it as he's embarrassed to get her dressed etc it's so draining. I couldn't just send her home like that I'm not a monster.

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From your posts it seems that this latest deterioration is very sudden and you're overwhelmed. She's not your mother, but neither your DP or his sister are prepared to talk about next steps.

This means there may not be a plan of support for your MIL. You have two choices, either let the situation continue and you'll be resentful and it won't change and you'll have to do clean up. Or you can call the GP/hospital/social services and arrange care. In my experience once you say she's at home with stage 4 and deteriorating they will arrange things. You can ask for a hospital bed and nurses to come in daily.

I don't think her families capable and while you do the cleaning up they're not motivated to help. And I don't think you're aware of the support that is available.

Also call Macmillan and ask them what you can do.

colesr · 04/12/2024 21:44

I would contact the medical help asap, wetting the bed and the rapid confusion indicates a urine infection

WizardOfAus · 04/12/2024 21:43

ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 21:23

Never agreed. She was just staying the odd night here and there. We saw her last week and she was perfectly fine. No confusion, really sharp etc.
She came and stayed 2 days later and was a completely different person and it was clear as day she wasn't safe to be on her own. She doesn't know where she is most of the time.
It was an emergency but my partner isn't doing anything to sort where she goes next! Him & his sister are clueless.

He has been helping her around the house & outside making sure she doesn't fall, doing her meds and trying to get her to eat etc but I'm doing the bulk of it as he's embarrassed to get her dressed etc it's so draining. I couldn't just send her home like that I'm not a monster.

Show quote history

If you’re doing the bulk of the care for your MIL, your husband should be picking up absolutely EVERYTHING ELSE in the house. The cooking, cleaning, childcare. Everything!!!

Don’t blame your SIL when your husband is living under the same roof doing the bare minimum and watching you run yourself ragged.

He sounds like a lazy git.

Nothatgingerpirate · 04/12/2024 21:27

airingcupboards · 04/12/2024 19:03

I'm the selfish sister in law in a similar situation- I've got my reasons and very strong boundaries, no way I'm martyring myself to the extent my sister in law is prepared to do.

Exactly.
And why did OP even start this?

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 21:23

QuirkyWriter · 04/12/2024 21:16

Where is your partner and what is he doing to help HIS mother?
Why did you agree to her moving in with you when you were already finding it tough? I think you need to start speaking up and get your partner to look into hospice care.

Never agreed. She was just staying the odd night here and there. We saw her last week and she was perfectly fine. No confusion, really sharp etc.
She came and stayed 2 days later and was a completely different person and it was clear as day she wasn't safe to be on her own. She doesn't know where she is most of the time.
It was an emergency but my partner isn't doing anything to sort where she goes next! Him & his sister are clueless.

He has been helping her around the house & outside making sure she doesn't fall, doing her meds and trying to get her to eat etc but I'm doing the bulk of it as he's embarrassed to get her dressed etc it's so draining. I couldn't just send her home like that I'm not a monster.

OP posts:
QuirkyWriter · 04/12/2024 21:16

Where is your partner and what is he doing to help HIS mother?
Why did you agree to her moving in with you when you were already finding it tough? I think you need to start speaking up and get your partner to look into hospice care.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 21:13

She could of sorted this when she was lucid if they had given her the information. Can I ring her GP and demand she goes into a hospice?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 21:12

No she has no money.z

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 21:12

She doesn't have a care worker or social worker. She has a macmillian nurse who only offered steroids. No talk of hostipal help or hospices. She definitely doesn't have long left, I'm really angry that they knew she lived alone & basically sent her home with zero information.

OP posts:
yipyipyop · 04/12/2024 21:02

Why are you dealing with her care? It's your partners problem.

EssentiallyItsTrue · 04/12/2024 20:53

Does you MIL have any money? Did she have a house or any assets. Can you use her money to pay to get some help.

SuperfluousHen · 04/12/2024 20:42

countrygirl99 · 04/12/2024 15:59

Call social services and tell them. Carer breakdown is the phrase to use

First poster nailed it.
She should have a Social Worker- that’s who you call. Be firm. You cannot continue like this. She must be admitted somewhere TODAY.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 20:38

airingcupboards · 04/12/2024 19:03

I'm the selfish sister in law in a similar situation- I've got my reasons and very strong boundaries, no way I'm martyring myself to the extent my sister in law is prepared to do.

Are you my sister in law? Because you can come get your mum now please. 😂

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 04/12/2024 19:55

Why isn't your partner clearing up after her and providing the care? It's not your role!

colesr · 04/12/2024 19:16

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man

He doesn't seem to be any less selfish

airingcupboards · 04/12/2024 19:03

I'm the selfish sister in law in a similar situation- I've got my reasons and very strong boundaries, no way I'm martyring myself to the extent my sister in law is prepared to do.

FusionChefGeoff · 04/12/2024 18:34

Don't blame SIL before DH!!! Just because she's a woman, presumably.

DH needs to be doing all of this so you can focus on your family.

If he can't / won't then you need to ask social services for carers / hospice / care home etc