I can't do this anymore

He needs to stop leaning on you for everything, no wonder you are becoming so ill. You are literally propping up everyone. Please say no to everyone and turn off your phone. You are not a service animal for everyone else op. Your number one priority needs to be your own health and well being at this point.

You tell DH that you are too till and it would not be safe for you to drive. Because that is the plain truth. Post-holiday traffic is usually horrible when we're feeling our best. If you have a headache and feel sick you shouldn't be driving at all.

Your DH is going to have to figure out alternative transport for when you are too ill to drive. And with the proviso that I don't remember why he doesn't drive, he needs to learn unless there is a valid reason why he cannot.

Can't he get there himself? Bus/train/taxi?

I hope you've had a reasonable Christmas @ChristmasGrinch24 and that you not posting isn't bad news

@ChristmasGrinch24

Call me petty, but I'm past the stage of caring about SIL.

It's not petty at all!! You're looking after yourself and that's good. We have been conditioned by society to think that if we put ourselves first, especially in 'not my problem' situations, we're being 'petty', 'selfish', or 'unkind'. And when we complain about it we're told to stop being 'martyrs' or just to 'get on with it'. And isn't it amazing that the people who criticize us and guilt us the most are usually the ones who should be carrying the burden. Or at least half of it.

That’s what I would do, tell them either place is fine and the rest is up to them. Maybe they know that places become available on a fairly regular basis as old people die. It isn’t for you to worry about how long MIL may have to stay where she is as from your point of view, she’s fine where she is.

Have to say, at 4 stone your poor MIL probably does not have long to live anyway. Maybe she will end up staying at the hospice until the end anyway.

@ChristmasGrinch24

Not saying to actually move her, since she's so ill. No one would want to move someone in MiL's condition.

Just suggesting DP's says it to put a bug up SiL's arse and 'prompt' her to be more involved.

But PP's are right, you're dealing with enough as it is. You've made your position clear as to what you're willing to do re driving. Time to sit back and let DP deal with it.

@SheilaFentiman yes, definitely for CHC, I think it is also the case for Council funding but not 100% sure.

It's not uncommon for the nearest relative to live miles away and want a care home near them, not near the patient's original address.

Why is it your decision to make, i’d bat it back to the direct family. You have done more than your fair share.

Is that right? Given MIL is covered by funding, wouldn’t that be linked to her current location eg to the healthcare trust or council she currently lives in?

True, the care home can be anywhere in England. Easy to pick one on SIL's doorstep.

Have DP send her a text saying "This is the one we have decided is best" and link to a place in her town. I'll be she gets back to him then!

Weird. I'm used to giving advice along the lines of 'it needs to say care home with nursing, people tend to like home x,y and z, give them a ring and see if they have any beds'

People usually choose either one nearest to where they live, for obvious reasons, even if it wasn't one suggested.

There are circumstances of 'only home x will manage these complex needs' but then I'd be upfront about it.

Don't arrange a visit to a care home unless you get them to confirm on the phone beforehand there is a bed. The hospice can't create a bed in a care home if there isn't one.

Surprised the homes let you come as it's wasting their time as well as yours.

In the UK, if you take too long finding somewhere, or start declining places that have beds, then the hospice can ask CHC to choose for you and you are stuck with it at least initially. However this is really rare and most relatives quickly agree somewhere when they realise the hospice is serious and they don't have months to fuss over their decision.

The patient will stay at the hospice until they can go direct to the chosen care home.

Ring adult SS. They should be able to list you a list of all the homes who currently have beds, they may even recommend the ones which they think are the nicest.

@ChristmasGrinch24

I'm not sure how it works in the UK (I'm US) but in that situation the 'current facility' (hospital or hospice) has to keep the patient until a bed comes free at the chosen facility or another facility is found. They aren't allowed to 'dump' a patient anywhere (including forcing them on an unwilling/unable relative).

I don't know if they'd be able to 'create' a bed for her unless they're technically overstaffed and have the correct floorspace, because there are usually legal requirements for staff and space.

Stand strong, you're doing beautifully well. Just let SiL and DH worry about this. And as I said a bit upthread, tell them to look for a place near SiL, as long as it would be safe for MiL to be transported there.

Good for you, @ChristmasGrinch24.