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Elderly parents
Original poster

I can't do this anymore

560 replies

ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 15:57

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

OP posts:
Dolphinnoises · 07/12/2024 10:16

colesr · 07/12/2024 10:06

On Wednesday you posted about her sudden decline in cognition and have also mentioned her both not being able to pee and then bed wetting. I'm not getting at you personally OP but this woman should have been medically assessed days ago. I realise your thread is more about her end of life care needs but she is presenting with classic uti symptoms and needs an urgent assessment.

This is an excellent point

TimeForATerf · 07/12/2024 10:14

ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/12/2024 09:14

What did you do in the end? If you don't mind me asking.

Show quote history

Slightly different circumstances but it was my dad with advanced Alzheimer’s. Very long story short. I rang adult social services and gave them a deadline and he went into emergency respite, this took about two weeks though of constant assessments and calls and being absolutely adamant I couldn’t take on 100% responsibility and he couldn’t stay here long term.

the emergency respite was then considered for permanent care in a care home when he sadly passed away.

you have to refuse to care for them, and say they will be going home alone, mum would be coming to me and it was a massive safe guarding fail on their part.

worst time of my life as I was also caring for mum at their own house who had had heart surgery and couldn't have him back as she couldn’t care for him any longer.

The help I got from Carers.org forum was to stand my ground with social services and refuse any responsibility which was heart breaking, but you have to do it (even if you would probably never leave them alone).

my dad was the loveliest man alive, I felt I had failed him. You have enough on with caring for your children.

colesr · 07/12/2024 10:06

On Wednesday you posted about her sudden decline in cognition and have also mentioned her both not being able to pee and then bed wetting. I'm not getting at you personally OP but this woman should have been medically assessed days ago. I realise your thread is more about her end of life care needs but she is presenting with classic uti symptoms and needs an urgent assessment.

whatwouldyoudoifisangoutofkey · 07/12/2024 10:04

So sorry !
Very little to add except air mattresses notoriously cold.
You need as much between you and mattress as possible.
Could you order cheap single electric blanket from Amazon ?
Failing that, hot water bottles.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/12/2024 09:51

Dolphinnoises · 07/12/2024 09:26

Oh love - ok. Well the one thing you can do is order the new mattress now. If it arrives early you’ll get sleeping on a mattress on the floor and not on an airbed on the floor. Do you have room to put it against a wall during the day if you moved some furniture around?

This morning, keep going. It might be the weekend but there will be out of hours stuff and I’m sure Macmillan must visit over the weekend.

I've got the district nurses phone number so I'm going to start pestering them soon.
I've ordered a new mattress but due to Christmas it's not coming for a week & a half! 😂 it's like life wants to screw with me.

OP posts:
Mistletoewench · 07/12/2024 09:37

DPotter · 06/12/2024 18:38

OP - ring an ambulance or get her in the car and take her into A&E. I know it isn't the best place for her but after 5pm on a Friday you're not going to get anywhere until Monday at the earliest.

I feel for you and your family I really do. Such an awful way to end a life.

This ! We went through a similar situation with my sister. From A&E she was admitted to a hospice. Sending you hugs OP, cancer is brutal xx

Dolphinnoises · 07/12/2024 09:26

Oh love - ok. Well the one thing you can do is order the new mattress now. If it arrives early you’ll get sleeping on a mattress on the floor and not on an airbed on the floor. Do you have room to put it against a wall during the day if you moved some furniture around?

This morning, keep going. It might be the weekend but there will be out of hours stuff and I’m sure Macmillan must visit over the weekend.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/12/2024 09:23

@RubyRedBow I'm having a shower this morning, when I can get up 😂 this is what I mean by a giant fuck up.
His whole family know of my disabilities, my kids disabilities, and yet it's been let's let Mrs & mr christmasgrinch sort mum out!

OP posts:
RubyRedBow · 07/12/2024 09:22

ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 21:23

Never agreed. She was just staying the odd night here and there. We saw her last week and she was perfectly fine. No confusion, really sharp etc.
She came and stayed 2 days later and was a completely different person and it was clear as day she wasn't safe to be on her own. She doesn't know where she is most of the time.
It was an emergency but my partner isn't doing anything to sort where she goes next! Him & his sister are clueless.

He has been helping her around the house & outside making sure she doesn't fall, doing her meds and trying to get her to eat etc but I'm doing the bulk of it as he's embarrassed to get her dressed etc it's so draining. I couldn't just send her home like that I'm not a monster.

Show quote history

I would present at a&e if you get nowhere with other services. She may have an infection that’s making her act this way.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/12/2024 09:20

Dolphinnoises · 07/12/2024 09:14

Did the Macmillan nurse ever come? Or was it they who got the wrong area?

How far does she live from you? If your DP is on emergency leave could he take her home and stay with her, calling for medical / SS help from there, leaving you with the kids? That way you’d have your bed back and when you dealt with the agencies the status quo wouldn’t be that she is in your home?

No they got the wrong area despite me giving them my address. She was just out of the catchment her house is ten mins up the road!

The problem is I need DP here to help me with the kids, I have a condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome where I dislocate joints and suffer with clonus & shakes. I cannot always do my child's insulin injections due to this (my child isn't old enough to do his own injections and will not wear a pump but that's another story!). It flares up when I'm mainly cold and stupidly I've been sleeping on the air bed in the lounge and it's been getting freezing in here even with the heating on at 23! Also sleeping on the air bed has caused my joints (from years of dislocating) to go stiff.
I need my bed back but even then I now need to buy a new mattress before I can even sleep on it as she's peed my bed and it's gone through the waterproof mattress protectors as she didn't tell us, till this morning. Sad
It's all just one giant fuck up.

OP posts:
RubyRedBow · 07/12/2024 09:17

You need to put your foot down and make your hygiene a priority. Why’s nobody else giving you five minutes to shower?

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/12/2024 09:14

TimeForATerf · 07/12/2024 09:13

No words, other than I’ve been there 💐

What did you do in the end? If you don't mind me asking.

OP posts:
Dolphinnoises · 07/12/2024 09:14

Did the Macmillan nurse ever come? Or was it they who got the wrong area?

How far does she live from you? If your DP is on emergency leave could he take her home and stay with her, calling for medical / SS help from there, leaving you with the kids? That way you’d have your bed back and when you dealt with the agencies the status quo wouldn’t be that she is in your home?

TimeForATerf · 07/12/2024 09:13

No words, other than I’ve been there 💐

kaos2 · 07/12/2024 09:07

You need to call social services and ask for an urgent care assessment ..

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/12/2024 09:06

kaos2 · 07/12/2024 09:04

Des she have money? Can you employ private carers to take on some of the burden of care ? Otherwise call SS care point and ask for advice . They can assess and send carers ( obvs all very simplified) .. you aren't obliged to care for her yourself

No she has no money. District nurse is coming to do this & asssess what she needs, I'm going to tell them after today I can no longer care for her.
Which is true, I've been sleeping on air bed in a freezing cold lounge and it's flaring up my own disabilities I've gone all stiff and now can't help lift her up or support her while walking, it's impossible.

OP posts:
kaos2 · 07/12/2024 09:04

Des she have money? Can you employ private carers to take on some of the burden of care ? Otherwise call SS care point and ask for advice . They can assess and send carers ( obvs all very simplified) .. you aren't obliged to care for her yourself

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/12/2024 09:01

kaos2 · 06/12/2024 22:09

I haven't read the thread but why are you looking after her ?
Can't you get carers in to support ?

I know quite a lot about how things work with SS etc?

Anything is possible but you need a hard hat and determined disposition

Because the hostipal sent her home knowing she lives alone, knowing she was wobbly, knowing she had no OT equipment, knowing she was being sick, knowing she was only down to 5 stone 5Lb and I wasn't going to let her suffer.
District nurse rang me and coming this afternoon after lunch, going to check her health and assess her. She's detoriated a bit more in the night. My SIL is trying to make it for when the district nurse comes out.

OP posts:
kaos2 · 06/12/2024 22:09

I haven't read the thread but why are you looking after her ?
Can't you get carers in to support ?

I know quite a lot about how things work with SS etc?

Anything is possible but you need a hard hat and determined disposition

HoundsOfSmell · 06/12/2024 21:48

If she’s not been moved to a hospice, take her to A&E and explain she’s not eating or drinking and has no one to care for her

AnnaMagnani · 06/12/2024 21:41

The typical hospice only gets 1/3 of it's funding from government.

Macmillan has basically left palliative care now, there are some teams still called 'Macmillan' but they won't be funded by them - Macmillan funds a post for 2 years but insists they are badged as Macmillan forever. A lot of teams have quietly dumped the name as it is confusing now.

BashfulClam · 06/12/2024 21:23

Disturbia81 · 05/12/2024 12:31

They need to build more hospices, or even just huge wards specifically for people who aren't getting treatment to get better but just palliative gentle care, somewhere safe to just be in their end days.
How in 2024 are we not looking after our old people who have lived a life.

Hospicrs are mostly run by charity so it’s hard to just build more and fund the running of them. The ones near us are constantly fundraising. The government needs to get their finger out and bloody fund them as they are an essential. My FIL died in a hospice and my Dad in an NHS ward, the care was night and day. The hospice was peaceful and so helpful, the hospital was what you’d expect.

Topseyt123 · 06/12/2024 19:32

I don't think you are selfish at all.

Try and get her to A & E. It's the only way you might get anywhere over the weekend.

safetyfreak · 06/12/2024 19:27

Oh my, this Is ridiculous.

Phone the ambulance and tell them, your MIL is end of life but has been left with no palliative care and is in extreme pain. Tell them, you cannot continue caring for her and you’re at carer breakdown.

Also call your local authroity social services, they will have a 24/7 line.

chocomoccalocca · 06/12/2024 19:25

I have no words of wisdom but really just wanted to send love and hugs and really hope you get some help as it sounds so hard. Please never think a single thing you have done is selfish I think what you have done is the complete opposite of that.