I can't do this anymore

You really have a DH problem and it may well be she’s got a uti - classic sign of confusion.

It would be better to call an ambulance now. Please just call. Would it be helpful to talk through why you don’t want to?

OP what is DH take on this? What does he think needs to happen?

If SIL is coming at 10pm then it will be sooner than an ambulance. I would just wait.

Phone 999

This is cruel not to

@ChristmasGrinch24 sorry but bundle her into the car and drop her off at take her to a/e!!! this is ridiculous!

@TriangleLight It kind of is. It will mean waiting up late into the evening or early hours of the morning, plus deciding who goes with her.

It’s surely not that difficult to call for an ambulance?

Just to add - re-admissions to hospital are very common in this situation.

People (both patients and relatives) take on more than turns out to be doable, palliative patients change very quickly to a stable situation becomes unstable, what seemed to be working in hospital suddenly doesn't, community services don't kick in fast enough...

Loads and loads of reasons. It doesn't imply a lack of love or care from the relatives who usually have really struggled at home.

In your situation OP, does your MIL actually have capacity to make her own decisions? I've had some run ins with district nurses (apologies to any DNs reading, you do a tough job) when a patient has looked very convincing and declined treatment but actually on deeper questioning didn't have the first clue what they were on about.

I found Macmillan a total fucking waste of time. I am still bitter at how shit they were. Maggies Centre was way way better.
Hospices have criteria for who they admit, most people who are dying will not get a place. Your MIL may be eligible, but don't assume she will be.
It sounds like SIL is coming up to see her? You get your DH to take the MIL home and tell SIL he will meet her there. And tell DH not to bring MIL back to yours as you can no longer cope. They have to sort out what they are doing about her care.
In terms of what happens to others, most seem to manage at home somehow, and then get admitted to hospital, and die there. District nurses only seem to come in when it is getting very close to the end, before then if she needs help it has to be carers.
She will be entitled to PIP and if someone has less than 6 months to live, all you need is a letter from a Dr etc saying this and the form is easy. Or of older Attendance Allowance.

I appreciate this is a massive problem and you need it to be resolved ASAP, so I'm only saying this as a tiny stopgap. Is it worth getting adult nappies for her so the cleanup is easier?

I think @safetyfreak is right. OP has been posting for days and everyones replies says her DH needs to step up and get medical care. For a whole host of understandable reasons OP is struggling and is finding making a decision difficult. Some times people in this situation need to be told it is good to call 999 and that’s what they should do. Things aren’t as obvious when you’re in the situation.

Back off. I understand why you’re saying this but we are not there, or as sleep-deprived, in pain and stressed as the OP is. You could have been clear about this without telling her she is “failing” her MIL. Remember how easy advice is from an armchair

You have had multiple replies, telling you to phone an ambulance which you still haven't done.

You are choosing to allow your MIL to stay where her needs are not being met.

Services are so stretched, they know your MIL is safe as shes with her son and his family. So frankly, she is not a priority. YOU and your husband need to make this an emergency situation so services act.

I am telling you this as someone who works in adult social care. You and your husband are failing a very ill woman by not getting her into the hospital and into the right care setting.

I'm so sorry that this is still ongoing. Also EDS is really great and I am shocked that the family have dumped this on you.

From her weight and issues with peeing, she may not have very long at all. It's just a shame she's not sleeping and the brain mets are messing her thinking.

You're doing the right thing. I hope she can be admitted today.

I agree with 999 at this point. You have a pallative care patient who despite involving GP and a nursing team still has unmanagable pain.

And then walk away and let them contact social services. Visit once she is sorted. it shouldn't need to come to those but over the weekend nothing will happen and your health matters too.

You need to get her to A&E

She isn't a toddler who 'needs to understand' she is a seriously unwell adult with a sudden drop in her cognition which means she needs medical attention asap. Even if she does wee within an hour she still needs to be seen.

To be honest, hospital might be the best place for her at the moment. The situation sounds like it has gone way beyond what you can (or anyone) can reasonably be able to cope with. She needs urgent medical attention ❤️❤️

Keep posting, you are not alone and some posters have given excellent advice

Agree with @colesr This isn't just about care needs, this is about completely unmet medical needs as well.

District Nurse may realise this but fairly often they just get into providing equipment or giving pain relief without asking for a full assessment of what is actually going on medically. Equally asking social services for respite won't solve the issues of pain and confusion either.

Also being out of area complicates things hugely - District nurses, community palliative care, GPs will absolutely not see someone out of catchment.

Slightly different circumstances but it was my dad with advanced Alzheimer’s

I also had different circumstances with my DM with Alzheimer’s, I phoned Social Services Monday morning saying it I couldn’t do it any more and they had a place for her in a psychiatric unit the next day.

I has to really lay it on thick, describing her laying in her own urine as I wasn’t equipped with being able to coax her out of bed and that she was starving and I couldn’t get her to eat.

OP you need to keep phoning, every half an hour if that’s what it takes, this isn’t the time to be passive. Your DC needs to take over today and you look after yourself and your DH. The doctor said to me who will look after my DC if I become ill caring for my DM?