I can't do this anymore

It's unlikely to be a UTI and very likely to be that her steroid dose for her brain mets is too low.

Social services would not normally be involved for this level of palliative patient as they are eligible for full funding for care from the NHS - known as CHC Fast Track. They will be very loath to get involved if it should be from the NHS budget and not theirs.

Fast Track referrals are either made by District Nurse or Palliative Care, it varies from area to area.

No it's not a UTI. People need to stop obsessing over that as it's not helping, she has brain mets which cause confusion.

People are 'obsessing' over it because she needed medical attention when you posted on Wednesday. The sudden decline in cognition can be indicative of a UTI, especially with what you said re lack of ability to pee, then wetting the bed. You also said you were waiting for results re mets. People can only go on what you have said and tbh it is neglectful that she hasn't been seen for a proper medical assessment still. Even if it isn't a uti, it could be something else and even still if the cause is nets she still needed a medical assessment due to the rapid decline, even just to confirm nothing else was going on. I know you probably feel attacked and that is not really what people are doing, they just want to see the old lady get an assessment that she should have e had days ago. It's not about you, it's about her - and I say that nicely. I don't think you are or should be responsible either, but as you are the only person discussing it here, then people can only relate to to you that this should have been treated as a medical emergency days ago.

Definitely just call them, the Macmillan nurse made the referral for us when DH was still under consultant care, absolutely fine for you to call them assuming the referral has been made (or somethings gone awry).

Hi Op - just to say, hospice are WAY better than social care, are open 24/7 - so you can give them a call now. They have better access to pretty much everything in my area at least.

They are amazing at getting people to accept help when they initially refuse.

I know you have your hands full, but if I only have one conversation in me - they're who I call.

*but it helped

Your partner needs to sort out the relationship, boundaries and interactions with his sister and not be a wimp about it.
Dealing with other family members through stuff like this is another level of stress that you don't need but is very familiar- don't get me started on my siblings. I stopped trying to appease them and ended up putting my foot down and although it was awful at first it helped.

Get on the train
Go and have a break
I guarantee her son will call someone pretty sharpish

Agree speak to social services and don't sugar coat it, they are overstretched and under resourced so subtly needs to go out the door or they will put you on the bottom of the pile. Don't be nice about it You CAN'Tdo this anymore they need to sort out some help NOW. Your DH needs to be involved too as it's his mum.

My mum who I had a rocky relationship got Alzheimer's and I ended up being the child that stepped up (I have lots of siblings but 🙄) it's been a long and hard journey verging on 10yrs now and at times it has almost broken me. She's in a care home now, late stage and it's much easier although still emotionally draining - I'm disabled too so get how that adds another layer.

Getting social services involved is not easy both emotionally and logistically (they are a PITA to deal with as is the whole social care system) but it's a different type of difficulty than physically being involved and you need that help - whether it's carer support or her moving somewhere more suitable for her needs SS is the first port of call and you will need to shout.

Hope you get some help soon

Hi @ChristmasGrinch24 I'm really, really sorry you're going through this - doing end of life care for my husband, difference is it was actually planned not thrust upon you - which is a world of difference.

You've done amazingly to sacrifice so much to try and do the best by everyone as far as possible, and you know it's not working, and I know you're trying!

The people I've found most helpful by far are the hospice - do you have a hospice contact near you, or near your mil address.

If it's near your mil, I would phone the hospice to organise some short term care while she is at her own home - you can have sensible and realistic conversations with them.

I have been there with confusion, Incontinence, pain management as my DH has brain cancer (and also refusal of everything going!) if you want to pm me please go ahead.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We felt similarly abandoned when my dad was end of life - couldn’t get any help.
Then my uncle suggested we call the local hospice and ask about their ‘hospice at home’ service. We did and were lucky, they were amazing. Came straight out, cleaned him up and made him comfortable, sorted out morphine when we hadn’t been able to; and made regular visits to care for him. They were so helpful and kind.

She obviously needs to be moved to a hospice for the good of all of you, but it might be worth seeing if your hospice has a team like that who’ll come and get the ball rolling - I didn’t know they would just come out like that.

You sound at the very end of your tether . This sounds harsh , and some may say I'm being cruel . But could you tell her immediate family ( daughter plus whoever is ) that they have xxx time to come and collect her or you will take her to a & e with a note in her pocket of her condition or medication in her handbag , or wait until she is triaged give her name but not yours and say due to uncaring immediate family not wanting her she is now their concern and you then walk away .
Surely she will then be put somewhere ?

you Need to take action

Take her to the hospital and leave her there? Explain she’s not eating or drinking. You are not her carer.

or take your kids and go stay with your family

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I have a family member who had brain Mets who recently passed and I am lucky enough they were in the hospital/aged care as no way I could've provided what they needed at the end.

I'm not in the uk so can't help with health care advice but I think if you can I would call an ambulance and hopefully once she's in the hospital they will sort her into a more permanent solution.

Would she wear adult diapers? My family member had to wear them as they were barely mobile and couldn't get to the toilet in time.

It's concerning she's not taking the steroids - they would be helping the inflammation in the brain. Is she on anti-seizure medication?

You said no one had checked for a uti? The woman is incontinent, confused, and miserable. For goodness sake call an ambulance

i despair

Did the district nurse take a medical history, do a physical examination, come up with a differential diagnosis, order tests and create a comprehensive holistic treatment plan?

Or just do some basic obs?

You said she did fuck all

and she needs medical treatment ffs. @ChristmasGrinch24 get her to hospital

You’re making empty threats at this point. I don’t want to be harsh but you’ve been saying for days that you’ll sort it that day and then you don’t.

Just take her to hospital like multiple people keep telling you. It can’t be nice for her to be around people who don’t want her to be there.

It’s not amazing now, it’s a safeguarding issue

Hi there
You have been amazing. Call 999 and get her to hospital. She needs checked up on. It should be a huge thank you to you from everyone around you!