Page 16 | I can't do this anymore

ChristmasGrinch24 · 2024-12-04T15:57:26+00:00

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late. I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability. Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope. This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling. It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week. My partners sister is the biggest selfish **** known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is. I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

devongirl12 · 09/12/2024 20:31

ChristmasGrinch24 · 09/12/2024 09:35

If I can't get her a hospice space, I will consider it.
I just don't want her being on a ward and being confused or even being angry in her last moments. I don't think she would be angry now, she knows we've done our best but it would break my heart.
we've had a lot of barmy arguments over the years but she's been the best mum in law & nana to her abilities and I just want her to go happily and peacefully.
I hate seeing her like this, the family are all on stand by to drop everything & come.

", the family are all on stand by to drop everything & come"

What on earth does this mean?

Why are they on stand by?

They should be THERE.

Why are they "on stand by" whilst you're having a breakdown looking after their mother?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I suspect you are going to feel incredibly angry when this is over and you reflect on the situation.

You even said a few posts ago that your husband was going to call somebody to get it sorted "tomorrow".....but you posted it at 10:30 in the morning. So why was he waiting until tomorrow?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to have a go. You are the only person helping this woman and you are doing your absolute best. But you shouldn't be doing this alone.

Topseyt123 · 09/12/2024 17:50

ChristmasGrinch24 · 09/12/2024 09:12

It was one of her wishes not to go to hospital, I've seen my grandad go to hospital with stage 4 cancer and he didn't get out. They wouldn't let him die at home which was his only wish.

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I fully understand people.not wishing to die in hospital, it's something we would all like to honour if we can.

However, certain levels of care, often very high levels, may need to be in place in order to manage them at home. If that care cannot be provided, is simply unavailable and/or the family members concerned are unable to cope then it can become impossible and other options will need to be explored - hospital, hospice, care home etc.

I do think that some people just don't comprehend what it takes to look after another adult who has become unable to do anything for themselves. I remember how utterly impossible it was with my Dad when he was dying (long story there). I also know several other people who tried to look after an adult on end of life care and without fail they ended up calling in help as they were physically and mentally totally overwhelmed.

Don't feel guilty. You have done all you can. I hope the care home place becomes available very soon, and/or also the hospice.

Timeforabiscuit · 09/12/2024 17:32

That sounds like a really good call, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you 🤞

MyrtleStrumpet · 09/12/2024 17:27

ChristmasGrinch24 · 09/12/2024 15:40

GP is trying to find her a palliative care bed in a care home locally. Said it may take a few days.
She is dying but isn't at the stage of hospice said she's holding on. Did make me smile, she's always been very stubborn.

Thinking of you x

Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 09/12/2024 15:40

GP is trying to find her a palliative care bed in a care home locally. Said it may take a few days.
She is dying but isn't at the stage of hospice said she's holding on. Did make me smile, she's always been very stubborn.

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Timeforabiscuit · 09/12/2024 09:54

I'm so sorry, it sounds like things are progressing quickly, but end of life is a rollercoaster - so things can plateau as well.

Wishing you strength and peace for you all.

SheilaFentiman · 09/12/2024 09:47

If she is not lucid and doesn’t recognise your house, would she even know?

I am so sorry, Op.

Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 09/12/2024 09:35

If I can't get her a hospice space, I will consider it.
I just don't want her being on a ward and being confused or even being angry in her last moments. I don't think she would be angry now, she knows we've done our best but it would break my heart.
we've had a lot of barmy arguments over the years but she's been the best mum in law & nana to her abilities and I just want her to go happily and peacefully.
I hate seeing her like this, the family are all on stand by to drop everything & come.

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Christmaseason · 09/12/2024 09:16

it was one of her wishes not to go to hospital, I've seen my grandad go to hospital with stage 4 cancer and he didn't get out. They wouldn't let him die at home which was his only wish.

I know it wasn’t her wishes but do consider a hospital. My DF had stage 4 cancer and died in hospital and the care he received during his last few weeks was more than anyone could ask for a loved one. I sent a thank you email to PALs as the nurses and all the staff were outstanding, they were so kind and respectful to him.

Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 09/12/2024 09:12

TriangleLight · 08/12/2024 20:47

I have no idea why you have chosen not to seek medical help but it sucks

It was one of her wishes not to go to hospital, I've seen my grandad go to hospital with stage 4 cancer and he didn't get out. They wouldn't let him die at home which was his only wish.

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Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 09/12/2024 09:10

She's made it through the night, but no longer lucid at all. Shes been to my house thousands of times over the years and didn't recognise it this morning.
I'm chasing up macmillian nurse + hospices this morning.
Thanks everyone for holding my hand.Cancer is the most horrible thing in the world. I just wish it had gone elsewhere rather than to her brain.

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TriangleLight · 08/12/2024 20:47

I have no idea why you have chosen not to seek medical help but it sucks

Wobblecushion · 08/12/2024 19:41

Rattle breathing usually happens in the final
days. It can also be a sign of puemonia which untreated will become the cause of death with the cancer being an additional cause. Lots of people are saying hospice but they’re often not enough beds to meet demand in hospices but some hospitals have pallative care wards and lots of nursing homes also offer places to people on end of life care.

Mistletoewench · 08/12/2024 19:20

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 12:23

Of course she's rapidly declining though, she has stage 4 cancer that has spread all over her chest area and lymph nodes. She weighs just a tiny 5 stone.
Shes got rattly breathing today.

It does sound like she is near the end. Rattle breathing is a sign xx

Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 17:43

The hospice I want her in, a family friends sister passed away there from cancer so I imagine she is eligible if they have space.

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CandyMaker · 08/12/2024 17:29

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 10:46

Thank you, I looked on their website & it said by referral only so wasn't sure if that had to be done by a professional?
Shes been quite against outside help but last night she asked for the OT to come out so she's getting there in terms of acceptance little by little. I will tell DP to ring them as well. She'd be really happy there, it's a wonderful place.

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Different hospices have different policies. Our local one was by referral only and we were told my dying mother did not meet their criteria for help.

Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 17:10

She's due to go for a heart ultrasound tomorrow but I don't think she's up for even leaving the house.

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Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 17:09

Yes she has tramadol & morphine. District nurse said if can't swallow to call them out and they can administer by IV.

She's very close to dying sadly. She was only diagnosed 1st November.

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Wobblecushion · 08/12/2024 14:33

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 10:08

No anti seizures. Shes now on one steroid a day.
Her daughter was supposed to come last night to give us a night off and have her stay at mil house but instead choose to kick off at me & hasn't come as she wanted to get her out of bed at 10pm when she could barely walk to the toilet (12 steps) let alone down stairs, out the door into a car and god knows what else!
No it's not a UTI. People need to stop obsessing over that as it's not helping, she has brain mets which cause confusion.

Has your husband organised proper medical or other care yet? Does she have suitable pain relief?

Timeforabiscuit · 08/12/2024 14:17

Did you have any luck with the hospice?

If not, if her breathing has changed then the out of hours GP will need to come out to assess her. It does happen quickly for end of life care, I've literally gone through this on Friday night with DH (and he hasn't gone yet).

Do you have a pulse oximeter (lots of people bought them over COVID)? Do a quick check of her temperature, how many breaths per minute she's doing, and what the oximeter is showing - basically at end of life it's just making them comfortable, but there is plenty which can be done to help and DH did what the doctor said, rather than what identically told him, because his brain doesn't work and oxygen deprivation doesn't help.

There are so many things going on at end of life, and googling doesn't help as it's all for healthy people!

Squeekey · 08/12/2024 13:11

If her breathing is rattly then the end could be very close. If it is literally just a couple of days you're talking about then personally I'd aim for pain free and comfortable. If that can be in a hospice, brilliant, but I personally wouldn't be taking her to A&E which can be an unpleasant place for anyone, let alone someone actively dying.

I think your husband needs to take a more Central role, with your job being to support him, deal with your children, and being able to give him a break occasionally. It sounds as if the bulk of the caring duties have somehow fallen on you, which isn't fair.

What does your husband want to happen?

Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 12:36

wizzywig · 08/12/2024 12:33

Op, please try and take care of yourself. It doesn't seem like anyone's looking out for you.

Dp is trying but he has so much to deal with himself. I don't expect anything less of his siblings, it just means I won't have anything to do with them in the short future. They've shown their true colours.

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wizzywig · 08/12/2024 12:33

Op, please try and take care of yourself. It doesn't seem like anyone's looking out for you.

MyrtleStrumpet · 08/12/2024 12:24

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 12:23

Of course she's rapidly declining though, she has stage 4 cancer that has spread all over her chest area and lymph nodes. She weighs just a tiny 5 stone.
Shes got rattly breathing today.

That sounds as though she only has a day or two left. I'm so sorry that you're in this position.

Original poster

ChristmasGrinch24 · 08/12/2024 12:23

Of course she's rapidly declining though, she has stage 4 cancer that has spread all over her chest area and lymph nodes. She weighs just a tiny 5 stone.
Shes got rattly breathing today.

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