I can't do this anymore

You do not have to be NOK to call an ambulance, to get medical help for someone or to make the decision about who is in your house causing you mountains of care work that you cannot manage.

The OP is trying to respect her mil wishes which were not to go into hospital.
And TBH I'm not sure she should .
Also none of us know what condition her MIL is in .
If she's getting out of bed to use a commode, even with assistance, she may not be seen as needing admission or end of life care.
Didn't the district nurse feel that there was some way to go before a referral to Marie Curie could be made ?

Ultimately, OP is not the NOK. The only thing she can really do is take herself and her kids away and leave for DP and SIL.

OP, is MIL’s house close enough that you and the kids could go there?

People have been telling OP this for a full week now. It's not going to happen.

Cover beds chairs with waterproof protection

Call an ambulance. It might not come for hours but say she is end stage cancer and dying

Yes, this is what I would do. Then stand very firm that you CANNOT care for her. Your partner sounds useless.

Ffs call an ambulance!

@ChristmasGrinch24 is there somewhere you can go? Family, friends or hotel? Anywhere? Until you step back they (your DH and SIL) will just let you run yourself ragged.

I know you don't want to abandon your MIL but you need to force their hand and protect yourself and kids.

@ChristmasGrinch24 I totally understand that and sympathise entirely but there may not be much time now, and she needs pain management

Can you contact her GP and get her on end of life? With the rattling breathing etc it seems like that's where she's at.

They should organise nurses (from a hospice or charity) and a just in case box, to get her comfortable. Them letting her suffer is not okay

OP, I have nothing to offer but a huge virtual hug and hand hold.

The people on this thread are being vile to you. You're not neglecting anyone. You're doing your absolute best.

If nobody is helping you, it feels like the world is against you.

If I were you I'd send a strongly worded text to your siblings-in-law and say, look. Your mother is dying. She's dying in my house and you're not doing a damn thing. Get yourselves here and spend her last hours with her.

Then take yourself and the children out for a while. Then book a hotel and get a good nights sleep.

You can contact the GP and ask for a continence assessment and she can be supplied with continence products free of charge. In the meantime go on Amazon/Boots and buy some pull up continence pants. This will prevent further incidents or urinating on your carpets and beds and keep it all contained.
Ask the district nurse and CHC Fast Track end of life funding to provide carers to support her, and a waking night carer can be arranged to give you both a good sleep.
Adult Social Services can be contacted but if she is End of Life, they will liaise with the district nurses as her primary needs are health.

OP

Is there any way you can take your kids to a local friend or relative or even a last minute travelodge and just leave them to it for a few days. Maybe together they will reach the conclusion you have.

This poor women, I hope she can be taken somewhere where she has her dignity and 24 hour care in her last few days/weeks.

@ChristmasGrinch24 I've just reread all your posts and apologies if I'm wrong and have done so, but you need to talk to social services as well as the GP/DNs/oncologist. None of these services, local authority or medical, work in isolation and you need everyone possible to be aware of the situation.

Carers coming in 4x day to help ensure she is clean and comfortable, bed changed etc is not the total answer but it may lessen the load on you and the social worker can link in with the medical side and act as a point of coordination. Phone the Adult Social Care number and leave nothing out about the situation.

I did 3 decades in adult social services (and am now a 24/7 carer myself) and would have recognised this as very serious and needing some immediate input.

Exactly this. Please take you mil to hospital it's the kindest thing.

@ChristmasGrinch24 I have previously said that you need to get her to hospital. the quickest way is to get your hubby to lift her into the car and take her directly to a/e. no point phoning an ambulance. they wont be able to send her home on her own until there is at least a care package in place. I agree with a previous poster that your mother sounds a lot closer to passing then they seem to think. I have seen many, being a retired nurse! the last was my daughter and she had terrible care from nhs till 5 days before she died. she was admitted straight to hospice and put on morphine. the actual day she died I had her and in the shower and 7 hours later, she passed away. they dont often get confusion. I think this is more likely the brain mets getting worse. this is so unfair to you and your family and her obviously, having to go through this virtually alone. I agree, men are pretty useless in times like this. you are struggling to cope because you seem to be doing this alone and you also have your children to look after. I can assure you that they will find a bed for her, xx