I can't do this anymore

Yes. It’s cruel to her not to be cared for properly by professionals

Not at all cruel, OP. At least some people have to sleep at MIL’s house tonight,

Honestly, take it from someone who really tried to nurse someone at home, but couldn’t manage it. Call an ambulance now, they will take her straight in, have all the specialist equipment. Once my relative was in hospital a hospice bed was found quickly.
it doesn’t matter what your sil or husband says, you are at the coalface dealing with all this.
deal with the fallout afterwards (and never speak to your useless sil again)

Hopefully that is progress. Fingers crossed. I don't know how much it will speed things up but we'll hope it will.

I do remember this happening with my Dad. His case was an unsafe discharge from hospital and at home he was totally unmanageable even though my parents had private carers coming in plus me staying there. In the end we had to have him readmitted to hospital because his pneumonia (which had been the reason for his original admission) hadn't actually cleared as they had claimed and got much worse again. He never came home again after that and died within a week from multi organ failure. It was during lockdown so we weren't able to visit him in hospital either.

I do wonder whether he would have had a bit more quality time if the unsafe discharge hadn't happened, but we'll never know. I know he realistically didn't have very much longer left, and at least I did get to see and speak to him for that short time when he was at home.

I did try to help care for him, alongside the carers, but it was very hard, to the extent of near impossible. He was totally immobile and doubly incontinent by then and it was heartbreaking too. My mother is very mobility restricted with her own health problems so she couldn't do anything much and we had her to think about too.

I do know where you are coming from with the caring problems for your MIL. Don't listen to those shouting neglect! You are overwhelmed, as I was when I was in a similar situation.

I hope your help comes very soon now, even if that is in the form of having MIL taken back into hospital.

Me- I would call 999, say she's deteriorated and then get her admitted. They can then not send her home to you as it's an unsafe discharge as you are already assessed as carer breakdown by social services.

This is easy for me to say, it's not my husband and not my sister. I would say to the sister though, if you do not take her in to your home in the next day or two, I will have to get her admitted to hospital as it is unsafe in every way, for her, for us to have her remain here, even if she doesn't want to go in- the care needs more than one pair of hands, she needs medications and this needs to be in place before the Christmas period, even if she lasts that long (as nothing happens over Christmas).

Big hugs for you @ChristmasGrinch24. I’m glad that someone has recognised that you need help.

Are Adult Social Services still involved or has care passed to CHC/palliative last six months type care? I found Social Services were quite good, but they do then pass it back to GP/palliative care at a certain point.

I would also ask them to do a carer assessment on you, as you need care and your children need care and so arguing it is unsustainable because of your own and their care needs might get you a bit further.

The system is very complex and does not run smoothly in the UK, too many agencies and everyone hopes someone else will do something as there's a lack of capacity and they are all run ragged. I hope you get through to Adult Social Care because they will organise the search for a care/nursing bed, and if she's too far gone for that and is on CHC funding as end of life, that will then be very very clear, and the pressure for hospice at home or a hospice bed, or a care bed for palliative care will be even greater.

In other words, you don't just have to prove she's unwell- YOU also have carer and care needs yourself and your children do so I would let ASC know you are overcrowded, experiencing carer breakdown and you require a care assessment at the very least, just to turn up the pressure to get this sorted.

You poor thing, and poor her as well. I know why you haven't done more than you can because you are doing everything in terms of care, with minimal support and thinking they would be taking her elsewhere, and now what you have been landed with is an incontinent confused wandering lady and knowing how ill she is you aren't able to turn your back on her, which makes you a lovely person, and highlights their deficiencies as children.

You are doing the right thing OP, but it's unsustainable for you and may get worse. If she was staying with you, you could get set up for care with a hospital bed, the continence team, hospice at home/palliative care and so on. You are not, and you cannot be responsible for her, she may get bed sores as well from the fact you cannot administer to her enough yourself and care for your other children. You are disabled, your children are disabled, you are their carer. I would- in addition to all the other people you have contacted, ring Adult Social Services immediately and get them out to do a proper assessment, and then they can lead the negotiations with the other teams (so CHC team, district nurses, palliative care). Unless they have decided she's too far gone. Then it will be their job to find her a care bed and not yours. Have you spoken with them yet?

Jesus wept I have just read all your post OP and I could scream with frustration on your behalf.

The whole situation is just appalling and you must be a saint to put up with this shitshow. I hope something changes soon, nobody should have to endure this.

I feel sorry for your MIL as well, what an undignified way to end a life, but most of my sympathy is with you.

Is SIL already there?

Yes - DP and SIL taking MIL to hers is a good plan. If you feel up to it, you could keep SIL’s DC with you - do you think you could?

Their mum is dying. I think they aren’t behaving well and are putting far too much on OP but selfish horrible bastards is… extreme.

I agree with this. I hope you can find a way to disappear and drop them all in it, selfish horrible bastards all of them 🤬

Totally agree.
If things like pain can be sufficiently managed at home and the husband wants her to stay, then going against that for his mum doesn't sit right with me. Its more his decision.

However, he can't decide she should stay at home but delegate most of the care to you. He needs to be doing the lion's share, he needs to be doing the personal care, the cleanup etc, and carers need to be coming in to help.

Practically speaking, waterproof sheets, puppy pads and if she'll accept them, incontinence pants will help with the practical management. I appreciate that volumes are larger than with an adult, but most things don't need to be chucked because they've been peed on.

If a bed comes available, great, but if not, then someone needs to give you a realistic estimate of how long she's got left. If it's likely 2 or 3 days then you may be able to muddle through, if it's weeks and she's going to be at home you both need to think about how to make it a little more viable, maybe for you to go away for a break etc. If it's months, then it's unlikely she'd be eligible a hospital or hospice bed but a care home could work, as looking after her at home for anything other than short term clearly isn't going to work.

I have suggested to OP a couple of times that she leaves the house with the kids and leaves the care work to MIL’s children.

For the rest: see my post above yours.

I would find it extremely difficult to go against my husband’s wishes for his dying parent. To banish her from
our house against his opposition. And if I did it, or he did it to me, I wouldn’t be massively surprised to end up divorced.

It is very easy to sit here and shout, but that would be a hell of a thing to do, with an ongoing impact. Even if it is in the abstract the right thing to do.