I can't do this anymore

I hope you had a better night and that SIL and your DH stepped up and let you catch up on your sleep.

I know you are probably fed up of people giving well meaning advice that you've most likely already considered so feel free to ignore this...

When our family found ourselves in a similar situation (waiting for a care home bed) it was actually easier to support our family member in their own home. We had a sort of rota of who would sleep over and pop in between carer's visits. I won't pretend the rota worked well or that it was frictionless and some people definitely pulled their weight a hell of a lot more than others but, after a horrible night of no sleep and catching up on all the cleaning and laundry the previous family member had not bothered to do, you did at least get to escape back to normalcy for a while. Much nicer on the children too. It also made accessing outside help easier as we could say that the relative lived alone with only ad hoc help from family.

If that's a path you wanted to go down I would suggest to your DH and SIL that your MIL would be less confused and likely to wander in her own home.

@ChristmasGrinch24 Firstly, you are doing a wonderful, selfless, job and can be rightly proud of yourself for the rest of your life that you’ve acted as you have.

Secondly, stop now. Take your MIL back to her own home. Your SIL and DH cannot “stop you” from doing this. You’ve given them this, and other ultimatums, that you haven’t followed through on so they don’t believe it will happen. Once MIL is in her home (think you said it was 10 mins away) ask SIL and DN to leave yours with immediate effect.

I know this is easier to say than do. My incontinent FIL (living 1+ hrs away) was due to be discharged from hospital to a premier inn at the age of 85 with a catheter and more heart problems than you can count at 5pm on a Friday - they informed us at midday on the same day! We had him at our house for 2 nights before moving him into an assisted living facility. It didn’t feel great but we had young DC, full time self employed jobs, and his refusal to wash (even his hands) along with his incontinence presented a health risk to our nuclear family.

My own (D)F has recently asked his DC to have joint LPA for his health and wellbeing as he has Parkinson’s and this will likely be his last Xmas. I refused until he provided comprehensive written instructions on what his wishes are in a variety of different scenarios where his health fades. This made him cross as he would rather not face his own mortality, but I stood firm and we now have a much better chance of facilitating a “good” death for him.

My DH and I are in the process of drawing up decision trees for what should be done if “xyz” happens to us so that our DC never have to go through this. I find this subject so triggering. It makes me furious when ppl leave their end of life care, and decision making, to their children.

Could you move with DC to MIL in short term?
Please ignore if this is a stupid suggestion

@ChristmasGrinch24 i just wanted to say (and I hope the people in your life are telling you) that you are amazing. Palliative care is a mother fucker and getting to the end is hard. But it’s clear you love and care for your MIL and she’s very lucky to have you. I’m so sorry it’s not been easier.

If OP abandoned her as suggested, they would admit her initially and then move her to a care home.
Pain relief does not need to be given in a hospital.

Do hospitals have the beds to do this though? Poor woman would probably lie in an ambulance for hours then be admitted to lie in a corridor. It's December and the NHS is screwed.

Of course they will admit her.

She is dying of cancer and will need constant pain relief.

She weighs just over five stone.

Was this for CandyMaker?

Her husband is in denial and thinks they can feed MIL enough that she would qualify for chemo. He almost certainly wouldn’t cooperate.

If you are going to berate OP, at least read all her posts

@Cakemaker2222 her husband could carry her to the car. mil only weighs 5 stone. Christmas Grinch cannot take any more of this and it is not fair that this is all being put on her! the mil's son and daughter should both be ashamed of themselves! christmas grinch is also having to look after her two children (one requiring extra care) and I know how exhausting it is to look after people in the final stages of life. all they need to do is tell the doctor they cannot take her home because she is physically unable to give her the care she needs.

OP has said she could not physically get MIL in the car.
I would not leave a dying elderly woman alone in A and E. A dreadful thing to do.

For God's sake, A&E is bad enough and under enough strain, and OP's MIL has stated that she doesn't want to die in hospital.

Hospice/end of life care in the UK is a fucking disgrace. When this is all over for you OP, you should contact your MP and describe what you have gone through. In the meantime, I really do hope they can find a place for her, because your predicament sounds hellish.

There’s also the fact that many A&E departments across the country are at capacity and so odds are that it would be a considerable time before being found a bed in a suitable ward.

It may be very very difficult at OPs house at the moment, but I don’t doubt that MiL is also probably quieter and better cared for there, even imperfectly by family not professionals, than on a trolley in a hospital corridor for 48 hours.

Fingers crossed @ChristmasGrinch24 that a place at a hospice or palliative nursing care facility is found soon and your DH and family can be with your MIL and have that time as family not carers in her remaining time.

People saying things like this - MIL’s children are in denial, to the extent that I think they would stop OP bundling MIL into the car and driving to A and E.

@ChristmasGrinch24 a hospital WOULD admit her!! you just refuse to take her home and she cannot look after herself at this time so they cannot send her home with no care, they know it wouldn't work! i have advised you twice to get her in the car and take her to a/e. dont phone for an ambulance. apart from waiting for hours for one to arrive, they wont necessarily take her to hospital, this is why you take her in the car! once she is on the trolley, you have done your duty and technically you can leave. just tell the doc her details and medical history and leave it up to him.

sorry to hear about your situation. I really hope your mil can get a place in a hospice soon.
In the meantime could the gp/ district nurse put in a catheter to help with the personal care?
We had to push for it (gp wanted nappies) but we got it. My relative was bed bound by this stage so no danger of tripping over tubes.

Yes they would admit her.

Yes, at least in the short term they would. They would also help to organise care.

OP's MIL needs medical care not to be the pawn in an argument.

But would a hospital admit her ?
Doesn't she need care rather than nursing and treating for an acute condition ?

Yes. It’s disgusting not to do this

She needs to be in the bloody hospital.

Stop this silly fighting with your SIL.

Your MIL isn't a pawn.

Wearing a dressing gown or her birthday suit isn't the issue here.

Call an ambulance and get her the 24/7 medical care she needs.

FFS.