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Elderly parents
Original poster

I can't do this anymore

560 replies

ChristmasGrinch24 · 04/12/2024 15:57

My mother in law has stage 4 cancer, caught it late.
I've been running around non stop for two months straight while also caring for two kids with disabilities.im also unwell myself with a disability.

Shes now at the point where she's not well enough to be living on her own, and she's moved into ours. And I just cannot cope.
This morning she wet the bed, so I can to clean it up. She doesn't know where she is half the time. Shes at risk of falling.
It's to much. To much on top of my other caring responsibilities. I haven't showered in over a week.

My partners sister is the biggest selfish known to man, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even ring up to ask how she is.

I can't have her staying with us, it's just to much constantly, what can I do?

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 12/12/2024 16:11

If OP calls an ambulance, the SIL seems in the state of mind to call back and cancel it.

The answer to this issue is not a physical barney between DH, SIL and OP over MIL, which would be hugely distressing to all, especially MIL and to the 2/3 grandkids in the house to witness, and wouldn't actually move matters forward.

TriangleLight · 12/12/2024 15:54

Thiszebraiscrossing · 12/12/2024 15:44

Call an ambulance. T

The op won’t do this. It’s shocking

Isometimeswonder · 12/12/2024 15:50

@ChristmasGrinch24 can you and your kids go to MIL's house?
Leave your partner and his delightful sister to take care of THEIR mother themselves?

Thiszebraiscrossing · 12/12/2024 15:44

Call an ambulance. T

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:34

Exactly, she wants her mum to die in my house. Shes actively said that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:34

LookingForAHandHold · 12/12/2024 15:33

No, she wouldn't.

This is getting ridiculous. You need to call an ambulance, your MIL is actively dying without pain relief.

She has tramadol & morphine.....

OP posts:
LookingForAHandHold · 12/12/2024 15:33

No, she wouldn't.

This is getting ridiculous. You need to call an ambulance, your MIL is actively dying without pain relief.

devongirl12 · 12/12/2024 15:32

ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:20

DP has told me to keep getting the GP to look for a palliative bed and ignore his sister. That this is to much for us to take on and if his sister doesn't want to care for her knowing WERE struggling then this is the only way forward.

Why is your husband telling YOU to do it?

Why can't he do it?

As your your SIL.....I don't know what to say.

Apart from I wouldn't really care if she rugby tackled me, she's being an absolute moron.

She won't care for her mum, but she's not happy with what you're doing? Hhmm.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:31

Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 15:29

I have read every single post on this thread and have been invested in it since you started it over a week ago.

Oh sorry @Christmaseason my brain isn't working. 🫡

I wish I could, she'd rugby tackle me.

OP posts:
Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 15:29

I have read every single post on this thread and have been invested in it since you started it over a week ago.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:26

Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 15:26

Take control of your life and drive your MIL to hospital.

The SIL will rugby tackle me if I try to do that, please read all my comments.

OP posts:
Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 15:26

Take control of your life and drive your MIL to hospital.

Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:22

Sorry I can't quote because it won't let me on the app.
I've told DP if he doesn't put her in a care home I'm gone I'm taking the kids and I'm gone forever. I've told his sister that I'm stuck playing piggy in the middle and that this is disgraceful putting this all onto me knowing I'm disabled & have two disabled kids who are getting upset seeing their nan die her reply was "yes even the adults are getting upset it is what it is."
So yeah, guys I'm trying my hardest im sick of this shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:20

DP has told me to keep getting the GP to look for a palliative bed and ignore his sister. That this is to much for us to take on and if his sister doesn't want to care for her knowing WERE struggling then this is the only way forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:18

My house is clean BTW. I clean it everyday with dettol, but oh no that's not good enough. She doesn't appreciate anything I've done even though this isn't my mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasGrinch24 · 12/12/2024 15:18

So the SIL kicked off and said I wasn't doing a good enough job, yet she doesn't want to take her back to her bungalow as she wants to go back to her home and can't care for her mother and doesn't want her in a palliative bed in a care home either.

She spent a good hour screaming at me all I asked was for her not to use bleach as it sets my asthma off and it's bad for my cats.

OP posts:
IAmTooOldFor · 12/12/2024 14:56

Squeekey · 12/12/2024 14:47

I don't think taking her to A&E is a viable (or right) option if her husband isnt on board.

Unless she is having pain that can't be adequately controlled (doesn't seem to be the case) then I think it's cruel to dump a frail and dying lady in A&E, interesting that she might spend her final hours cold and lonely on a trolley. Its even worse to do that to your husband's mother against his wishes.

No, the current situation can't persist for long, but that doesn't mean she should be treated with that degree of callousness either.

Show quote history

Not a&e, the MILs home in her own bed, where her children and community/macmillan nurses can provide the care she needs. 10 mins from the OPs cold, overcrowded, home.

Squeekey · 12/12/2024 14:47

IAmTooOldFor · 12/12/2024 14:35

Fair point, I’m projecting! My DH could not stop me in that situation but I appreciate that does not necessarily track across to other families.

Show quote history

I don't think taking her to A&E is a viable (or right) option if her husband isnt on board.

Unless she is having pain that can't be adequately controlled (doesn't seem to be the case) then I think it's cruel to dump a frail and dying lady in A&E, interesting that she might spend her final hours cold and lonely on a trolley. Its even worse to do that to your husband's mother against his wishes.

No, the current situation can't persist for long, but that doesn't mean she should be treated with that degree of callousness either.

IAmTooOldFor · 12/12/2024 14:35

SheilaFentiman · 12/12/2024 12:20

Your SIL and DH cannot “stop you” from doing this.

They can. They can block the door, hold OP’s arms, take the car keys etc. They may not, but it is incorrect to say they cannot.

OP can withdraw her own labour and can potentially remove herself, with or without her kids, to another location. But she can’t remove the MIL from the home that the MIL’s son also owns/rents if the DH is determined that this won’t happen.

Edited

Fair point, I’m projecting! My DH could not stop me in that situation but I appreciate that does not necessarily track across to other families.

Topseyt123 · 12/12/2024 13:23

AInightingale · 12/12/2024 13:19

?? If you read OP's posts you will see that the GP is chasing a bed in a hospice and that they are waiting for an assessment to provide Macmillan nurses/hospice or CH bed. The only option they don't want is to take her to hospital and I don't blame them. The mistake was taking her to OPs home which is clearly unsuitable and is causing the family there massive strain.

Show quote history

Agreed. People simply aren't reading the thread and are accusing the OP of stuff that she just hasn't done (neglect etc.). I hope she's ignored the lot of them. Some of them might never have even tried to care for a person in any such condition.

Maybe the GP has now found a hospice or care home bed and they are now busy moving MIL in.

AInightingale · 12/12/2024 13:19

LookingForAHandHold · 12/12/2024 13:05

None of these options have even been explored though

Show quote history

?? If you read OP's posts you will see that the GP is chasing a bed in a hospice and that they are waiting for an assessment to provide Macmillan nurses/hospice or CH bed. The only option they don't want is to take her to hospital and I don't blame them. The mistake was taking her to OPs home which is clearly unsuitable and is causing the family there massive strain.

LookingForAHandHold · 12/12/2024 13:05

AInightingale · 12/12/2024 12:05

Think OP has implied that her MIL needs a carer 24/7 rather than just nights, and her own children (and she herself) have disabilities. The son and daughter, and any other family members who are available, should be providing the care in MIL's own home until a hospice or CH bed is found, one doing days, the other doing nights. It's not on to expect OP to run herself ragged, sounds like she is about to burn out. Are you in a position to pay for an ambulance from a private provider or could NHS cover the cost of this if she is end of life, to bring her to her own home? It's mindboggling how you have been abandoned like this. I listened to MPs the other week debate how poor end of life care was in the UK but I really didn't believe it was as bad as this.

None of these options have even been explored though

TriangleLight · 12/12/2024 13:04

AInightingale · 12/12/2024 12:05

Think OP has implied that her MIL needs a carer 24/7 rather than just nights, and her own children (and she herself) have disabilities. The son and daughter, and any other family members who are available, should be providing the care in MIL's own home until a hospice or CH bed is found, one doing days, the other doing nights. It's not on to expect OP to run herself ragged, sounds like she is about to burn out. Are you in a position to pay for an ambulance from a private provider or could NHS cover the cost of this if she is end of life, to bring her to her own home? It's mindboggling how you have been abandoned like this. I listened to MPs the other week debate how poor end of life care was in the UK but I really didn't believe it was as bad as this.

This isn’t a failing of the state. This is a choice being made by the op and the family

SheilaFentiman · 12/12/2024 12:20

Your SIL and DH cannot “stop you” from doing this.

They can. They can block the door, hold OP’s arms, take the car keys etc. They may not, but it is incorrect to say they cannot.

OP can withdraw her own labour and can potentially remove herself, with or without her kids, to another location. But she can’t remove the MIL from the home that the MIL’s son also owns/rents if the DH is determined that this won’t happen.

AInightingale · 12/12/2024 12:05

Think OP has implied that her MIL needs a carer 24/7 rather than just nights, and her own children (and she herself) have disabilities. The son and daughter, and any other family members who are available, should be providing the care in MIL's own home until a hospice or CH bed is found, one doing days, the other doing nights. It's not on to expect OP to run herself ragged, sounds like she is about to burn out. Are you in a position to pay for an ambulance from a private provider or could NHS cover the cost of this if she is end of life, to bring her to her own home? It's mindboggling how you have been abandoned like this. I listened to MPs the other week debate how poor end of life care was in the UK but I really didn't believe it was as bad as this.