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Elderly parents
Original poster

What next please with 92 yr old father

63 replies

Dogwitjstripes · 02/12/2024 22:18

Asking for some sage advice from the Elderly Care experts on here please.

DF is 92 next May, living independently and has been widowed for 25 years. Has coped remarkably well for the most part, still cooks for himself, dresses, no carers and drove until relatively recently. Rarely has falls but has been diagnosed with mixed vascular dementia and alzheimers. He doesn't present too badly with it for the most part but he's suddenly become frantic about dying and not coping.

I have a sibling and we get on very well but both live a distance away in two different directions, neither of us get on particular well with DF, I have had a very torturous relationship with him all my life but he's on his own so....

He trialled a care home last year for a month but hated it and came back out again, he's refusing carers and only wants the two of us in the house, it's impossible for us to go very often to visit but he's not bathing for fear of drowning, emailing us every night begging us to go down (can't phone him as always ends in horrific hours long arguments). I know I should probably post this on the Stately Homes thread in a way because the poor relationship clouds what we can or are prepared to do but does anyone have experience of what in general can be done or what is likely to happen next? He has a cleaner and she takes him food shopping occasionally, he refuses to let me organise an on line food shop, refuses to allow a taxi to take him to the shops (he has the financial means).

I've read loads of threads on this board over the years and most seem to say that it won't change until a real emergency occurs, is that the case for the most part do you all think?

TIA

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 03/12/2024 06:23

As he is seeing the GP regularly send them.an email with details about his anxiety. He is unlikely to raise it as an issue himself but it will enable the GP to consider whether medication will help when they next see him.

Original poster
Dogwitjstripes · 02/12/2024 22:38

Bannedontherun · 02/12/2024 22:36

@@Dogwitjstripes they operate on the basis of his ability to consent, tend to be very sensitive and will help him.

That's very useful thank you 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogwitjstripes · 02/12/2024 22:37

BananaSpanner · 02/12/2024 22:35

My mum was also on a lot of meds which meant that carers became essential as she had to be helped to remember to take them all. The pharmacy dispensed them all together made up for each day of the week, and a carer would come in the morning and help her take them. It was the only care visit she would accept which was a relief.

Show quote history

He does his own meds atm although again we don't really know I guess. We took him to the GP last week and they did blood tests, ECG etc. he is frequently at the GP and nothing else wrong with him that they can find.

OP posts:
Bannedontherun · 02/12/2024 22:36

@@Dogwitjstripes they operate on the basis of his ability to consent, tend to be very sensitive and will help him.

BananaSpanner · 02/12/2024 22:35

Dogwitjstripes · 02/12/2024 22:32

I think he's having panic attacks and not coping and also think anti depressants or anti anxiety medication would help enormously. He's on every pill known to mankind, statins, sleeping pills etc.

Show quote history

My mum was also on a lot of meds which meant that carers became essential as she had to be helped to remember to take them all. The pharmacy dispensed them all together made up for each day of the week, and a carer would come in the morning and help her take them. It was the only care visit she would accept which was a relief.

Original poster
Dogwitjstripes · 02/12/2024 22:35

Bannedontherun · 02/12/2024 22:30

You can ring his local social care service and ask for an assessment which they MUST then do.

tell them what is going on and tell them you are unwilling/unable top provide any care or support.

Ok that's interesting thank you, surely they can't force him to accept care though or do they talk it through with him? We can't get him to see sense, he says he's far too unwell to cope with carers ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogwitjstripes · 02/12/2024 22:33

catofglory · 02/12/2024 22:24

I did not have a good relationship with my mother, and she has had dementia for ten years so I have had to deal with that (I'm her only living relative).

I wanted to ensure she was safe and cared for but I was not prepared to do that myself, so I bought in care for her. She had money to self fund, and she gave me LPA, so that was relatively easy to organise.

If you do not have LPA or other access to your father's money and/or he will not let you buy in care, then ... yes, you have to wait for a crisis. Which generally is the person becoming ill/injured and ending up in hospital and coming to the notice of Social Services.

We have an LPA but not needed to access finances yet as seem ok but god who knows, how would you know if he was giving away ££.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogwitjstripes · 02/12/2024 22:32

BananaSpanner · 02/12/2024 22:29

He sounds like he’s doing pretty well bar the anxiety. My mum was prescribed anti depressants when she was suffering with mixed vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. Maybe his GP could prescribe him something for his anxiety.
Practically, I fitted some cameras at my mums house. Overt visible ones, one in the living room, one in the porch, one in the kitchen. Obviously I told her about them, I wasn’t spying on her but they connected to the wifi and an app on my phone and it allowed me to check on her when I wasn’t there. If I could see she was struggling with something or lost, I could call. They were from Amazon.
But yes, to make it simple, you probably all muddle along until something goes wrong and then you have to reconsider your care options.

I think he's having panic attacks and not coping and also think anti depressants or anti anxiety medication would help enormously. He's on every pill known to mankind, statins, sleeping pills etc.

OP posts:
Bannedontherun · 02/12/2024 22:30

You can ring his local social care service and ask for an assessment which they MUST then do.

tell them what is going on and tell them you are unwilling/unable top provide any care or support.

Original poster
Dogwitjstripes · 02/12/2024 22:29

BananaSpanner · 02/12/2024 22:23

What’s he asking you to go there for?

Everything really, his house is in a state of disrepair as he's neglected it totally, all his friends are dead, he's fallen out with all his neighbours,he just wants to moan for hours, not exactly sure what he wants and don't think he knows either tbh

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 02/12/2024 22:29

He sounds like he’s doing pretty well bar the anxiety. My mum was prescribed anti depressants when she was suffering with mixed vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. Maybe his GP could prescribe him something for his anxiety.
Practically, I fitted some cameras at my mums house. Overt visible ones, one in the living room, one in the porch, one in the kitchen. Obviously I told her about them, I wasn’t spying on her but they connected to the wifi and an app on my phone and it allowed me to check on her when I wasn’t there. If I could see she was struggling with something or lost, I could call. They were from Amazon.
But yes, to make it simple, you probably all muddle along until something goes wrong and then you have to reconsider your care options.

catofglory · 02/12/2024 22:24

I did not have a good relationship with my mother, and she has had dementia for ten years so I have had to deal with that (I'm her only living relative).

I wanted to ensure she was safe and cared for but I was not prepared to do that myself, so I bought in care for her. She had money to self fund, and she gave me LPA, so that was relatively easy to organise.

If you do not have LPA or other access to your father's money and/or he will not let you buy in care, then ... yes, you have to wait for a crisis. Which generally is the person becoming ill/injured and ending up in hospital and coming to the notice of Social Services.

BananaSpanner · 02/12/2024 22:23

What’s he asking you to go there for?