Teen son and FIL

OP, you need to tell your FIL straight that he can't go on disturbing everyone else particularly at night. It's massively, massively unfair on your son, who needs someone to advocate for him. FIL doesn't need to pace in the house but your son needs his sleep.

If you wanted to be nice you could suggest a 24 hour gym. But really it's FIL's problem to solve, not yours.

It might upset your FIL and/or cause a row with your "D"H but it sounds like he needs to get more of a grip about how his unrealistic plans are impacting on other people.

@Whatthewhatnowreally you don’t need an IFA what you need is practical options:

• sell the house asap. I would wait until the new year then sell it. As pp have said the quicker you sell it the better. As FIL only owns one property and is selling it to move to a new home I suspect there maybe no CGT to pay.
• get input from MIL’s care home and decide what is best for her, to stay in the current home or to move near to you. They can also help to define what level care she needs now and potentially as she ages. Personally if she is up for a trip in an ambulance I would move her asap.
• Get FIL assessed by the GP and possibly community services and decide if he is capable of living at home on his own - long term. Long term is the key, from what you have said it sounds like he is likely to deteriorate and have increasing care needs.
• Research options from sheltered housing, residential care and nursing/dementia care near to you.
• Make sure you get LPoAs in place asap, it’s a nightmare if you don’t have them and they lose capacity.
• Getting MIL and FIL settled near you asap is going to make the most sense.

Take your lovely DS out for a coffee/hot chocolate at the weekend and be honest with him. Say it’s difficult for everyone, that he must tell you if he is finding it an issue e.g. cominginto his bedroom, that it will be sorted asap and finally you are proud how he is managing the difficult situation.

Finally tell your DH to face up to his parents aging and that he needs to find the right solutions for everyone asap.

OP it’s bloody tough having olds to look after when you’re working and have kids. My PILs are next door- old, frail, ill. DH and I pull together, he does the lion’s share now. You need to talk to your DH or this will break your marriage. He needs to pull his weight with his parents and not rely on you because you work PT. You need to set boundaries for PIL, he might snivel a bit but you’re a big girl, you can walk away, and he will learn. No doubt the MN angels will say that’s cold but until you’ve walked in these shoes your opinion matters not. Space and self-care OP. You’re the DIL not a carer, not a nurse. You have one life so enjoy it.

Re your DS find some time so he can talk to you. Go for a walk, just the two of you? Or if necessary, once you've made it clear to FIL that DS's bedroom is out of bounds and preferably with a bolt on the door, go and sit with DS in his room. Actually, it's often easier to talk when you're in the car and not looking at each other.

Surely if FIL sells the house and MIL is in nursing care the expectation from the local authority will be that MIL funds her nursing care from her half of the value of the house ?
a project for an elderly man recovering from a heart attack and someone who is I. A nursing home, is a ridiculous idea. your "D"H is being absolutely absurd and naive.
also if your FIL moves from 500 miles away how is that going to work with care home funding or have I got it all wrong and she is self funding anyway ?

@WickedlyCharmed I think you are right, how could a bed ridden mil and a fil unable to live alone manage a project!
I said on the first post, buy fil a flat and move into it with the son, leave husband to deal with his dad.
An inheritance isn't a given and I seem to remember there is a sister expecting 50% share for doing nothing. This is the husbands clever plan.

Put a lock on your son's door.

Re the tax - it was fil's primary residence for many years.

He therefore only pays cgt on the increase in value for the time he wasn't living there.

In effect it is like he sold it when he moved in with you.

Speak to a tax person but this will not be a significant amount of tax as you don't pay capital gains tax on primary residences and he will only be liable for tax on the increase since he has moved out.

It doesn’t sound to me like FIL does want a ‘project’.

It seems to be the OP’s DH who seems to have taken over, and the DH who has found a house to buy and is focused on saving inheritance tax.

DH (their son) has found a house to buy near us and wants to sell their house (500 odd miles away) it will give FIL and MIL a project, and will save on inheritance tax

Everyone on your previous post said don't have FIL move in, so it being awkward can't be a surprise to you, this could be your reality for years.
Mil in nursing care why can't fil join her If he is unable to live independently? If they have capacity to make stupid decisions like 'a project ' then they have capacity to deal with the consequences as disastrous as it will be.
Tell fil to instruct a solicitor to deal with the finances, house sale, house purchase, care home fees etc it simply isn't worth the aggro and your sons feelings to keep this situation going. Is your husband hoping for an inheritance and trying to save the money, at yours and your sons expense?

Definitely not a project for him. A retirement place where things are going on and he can keep himself busy. Rental if possible but if not try and buy a second hand one. He can keep his savings for his future care needs.

Choose a place for his possible long term future needs such as dementia and other care needs.
If he has memory loss, then the sooner he makes this move, the better.
His house needs selling and you need professional advice on how much of the proceeds are to be designated to MIL for her care.

Oh ok, I missed that, my apologies.

Still, that would really freak me out as a teenager.

The OP mentions both memory loss and a UTI in her first post, both reasons for him entering the son’s room. He may not know where he is or what he is doing. Put a lock or bolt on the inside of your son’s door as he deserves privacy.

I think you need to sort suitable accommodation for your FIL, not a project as lots of others have said. I think your son is also old enough to realise his grandad needs support right now and you need to emphasise that to him if he doesn’t understand. He may prefer Christmas alone, but is he happy to think of his grandad on his own for the day?

What was he doing going in your son’s room in the middle of the night? So fucking weird.

Sorry you are unhappy son but its REALLY important that your grandad pay as little tax as possible so suck it up.

Where is your mother-in-law's care home? Near you or near her old house?

Never mind about the tax. This is your life and your son's life. You will never be happy if your father-in-law lives with you and neither will your son. It's not fair that you are expected to live with him.

I would talk to my son out of the house even if that means taking him to the café every day for an hour or two after school. I'd get him a lock for his bedroom door as well. He needs his privacy.

This all sounds insane.

MIL is in a care home, likely forever (your words). FIL who has had a heart attack and is suffering memory loss doesn’t need a project, he needs to sell his house asap and buy or rent a nice one bed flat somewhere close by.

You and your DH seems determined to complicate this by talking about buying a project and going on about main residences and capital gains tax, which as a PP rightly pointed out is a red herring. Why?

And if you’re finding your fil annoying why do you think you have to pretend to your son that he shouldn’t be finding him annoying?

tell him clearly you understand that this is imposing on him, your finding a solution and thank him for putting up with it

and go somewhere just with your son to do something nice one to one

it would only be capital gains tax on any increase in value from the date they moved out - and capital gains on property is 24%

so that is very much a red herring

there might even be exceptions if moving into care home etc (don’t know about that)

sell The house and get them into a small
flat in supported living

So you and your son are having to put up with this so your FIL can pay less tax?

He doesn’t live with you. He’s just staying while he’s unwell. Sell the house quick and get a retirement place for granddad. Take your son out for tea once a week, just you. Leave granddad to DH. Tell son how you feel and you know it’s hard but it’s just for a little while. Tell granddad not to go into his room.

PLEASE put your child first.

You tell FIL he is not to go in DS room. If he tries it again FIL moves out. Your poor son!

Why would there house be yours. Why doesn't he just sell the house.