Mum in care home with challenging behaviour, wants to go home

From your description, OP, it sounds like your mother absolutely needs to stay where she is. She is safe and cared for. There is no other option.

Unfortunately I think your mum is in the right place for her to get the support she needs however difficult that seems to you and your dd. There is no way the system will be paying for her care where she is if it’s not been considered essential to her wellbeing.

It sounds like your mum is in fact in the right place. She is safe and has 24 hour supervision - something you couldn't guarantee if she was at home ( think carer goes sick and there will be no replacement)

Sadly vascular dementia in particular is stepped in behaviour - the presentation may change dramatically if she had another stroke / seizure depending on the damage to the brain. She sounds like she is going through a very agitated stage with associated depression.

I would speak to the staff at the care home about getting a review with the psychiatric team who may be able to prescribe medication to help manage the agitation and depression.

Sadly my MIL had similar with vascular dementia and it's very challenging and upsetting to watch someone change beyond recognition. She had vascular dementia and went through stages of being lovely, being hateful ( totally out of character) , singing hymns 24 x7 , psychosis : hearing voices and seeing people who had died years previously and some violent outbursts. Changes were all associated with another stroke / TIA.

She will take a little while to settle in ( common with elderly people and dementia sufferers when their environment changes ). Having got her into the home she is in, and you are aware how difficult it was to find the placement and get funding, I would persevere with her there and see how she settles with the benefit of a discussion with the staff and psychiatric review. It's hard but would be even harder if you tried to manage her at home - she would be a danger to herself and others.

I’m so sorry op. That sounds incredibly distressing for everyone.
We had a similar situation with MIL, although not the same diagnosis. She required 2 carers 24/7 and a care home was the only option that would be funded. She cried endlessly and would fight with FIL about how it was all his fault for abandoning her, while also insisting her long-dead brother was visiting and various staff were abusing her (they weren’t, she was absolutely confused and out of it). Anyway coming home was not an option, but it was the other family members who needed to accept and make peace with it, and then they were better able to cope with the things that were said by MIL. Almost like they all needed to harden their hearts a little bit. Does that make sense? So once they could accept that it was the illness talking and not MIL, it was easier to gloss over the crying and complaining and change the subject, because sure enough in a few minutes her mood had changed and she was talking at my DS like he was her son 35 years ago.
I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but the distress was mainly the family and not MIL. Learning to respond differently made things so much easier. She needs professional care and for you to remain as family, not carers for her.
All the best op, it’s beyond hard.

OP please don’t even think of bringing your mum home. You won’t cope, and as a pp says, you likely won’t get funding for anything like the amount of care she needs, and you’ll be left to get on with it. She’s absolutely in the best place, and you’ve been instrumental in getting that care in place. I speak from experience. My mum is a bit older than yours and has advanced dementia. It’s so awful - her behaviour is totally unpredictable and is escalating. She is at home with DH a myself, and it’s exhausting. She doesn’t sleep, behaviour is challenging and she’s a huge fall risk because she is unsteady on her feet and wanders round during the night. We’re in the process of trying to secure full time care because we just can’t cope any more.

I really can’t see any other alternative to what you’ve put in place and l wouldn’t risk losing a place in a care home prepared to take on challenging behaviour like this. Dementia can only get worse, and with respect, at 67 without full time care it will be a long and utterly draining journey for everyone concerned.

Sadly sounds like home isn't an option, we have the same (vascular dementia) with my partners sister. Heartbreaking to see here wandering around the care home with carrier bags asking when the taxi is coming to take her home. She thinks home is where she was born (83years ago), and not the house she has lived in for 30 years.
Like someone said above you can only hope for the least worst solution.

It’s sounds like she is safest where she is which I understand must be very upsetting for you. I would explore a Deprivation of Liberty Order with social services in case she insists on leaving (unless she already has something in place via her mental health).

Like pp mentioned, her idea of what ‘home’ is may not be that accurate anymore. When my mum had dementia in her 70s, she stopped recognising the home she was living in, and had lived in for 30 years, and home to her was her childhood home.

Now you’ve found a suitable place and ss are funding, I would be very reluctant to give that up. Maybe look for other care facilities to see if there is a quieter one that can offer the same care.

What a sad and stressful situation for all of you, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It might well take your mum a bit longer to settle in where she is. I'd be scared of bringing her home - if her behaviour is that challenging could she be managed by one carer? And what if the stress causes your Dad to drink/smoke and she starts again?

I'd keep her where she is for a bit at least and see how she does. Big hug, dementia is horrible and she's so young xxx

With her dementia, do you think she knows what home is? Does she definitely want to go to the home she lived in most recently, or is it somewhere from her childhood etc? There's a possibility that you will never be able to fulfil this, even if she does go 'home'.

I’m really sorry to hear this. Are you getting any support yourself?
is mum getting all the mental health support possible - could you perhaps look for Community psychiatric nurse to review, maybe look at her medications, a stress and distress plan made up with them and the care home that tries to make sure she is getting the best and most consistent support when her behaviour is more escalated?
what does the care home nurse /manager say?
if all that in place and still dire, maybe look for a social work review of her placement to explore if there might be somewhere better suited to her. I’ll be honest though, that will be just a different care home and the move itself will unsettle and risk increasing/progressing her dementia further.
I do feel for you, it’s a horrible disease.

Sadly, I suspect bringing her home would turn out to be completely unmanageable. It's hard enough when someone has dementia, let alone if this is accompanied by challenging behaviours.

Sometimes there are no good options and what you end up looking for is the least worst option. I'm sorry. It sounds unbelievably difficult.

@kitkatnatnat I'm sorry your mum is so poorly. I think if someone needs 24 hours care social services will push for a nursing home. They won't be able to justify the cost of 24 hours care x