I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

No, not those sort of plans. The whole plan in the first place is what I meant.

I don’t know how he would feel but for me - being told everyone else has changed plans, this is what’s happening now and being told where you will be (a house I presume he hasn’t gone to before, with unwell people in it that he isn’t close to) would make me feel a bit miffed. Like I was the last spare part, kinda?

I’d have preferred a phone call during the planning saying “we’re thinking it would be easier to do blah blah blah, what do you think?”

I’m just offering up a possible thought process he might be having.

I would say that you have done your part in making sure he is not alone in inviting him. If he chooses not to join then it’s up to him.
Maybe tell him that the invite is still open if he changes his mind and plan something another day with him at his/yours

You don't sound controlling at all, you sound incredibly thoughtful and empathetic- to the point that as you have recognised, you will have to step back a little here.
I know what it feels like to know that you won't enjoy a special day knowing the people you care about aren't enjoying it.
Your families are lucky to have you.

@saraclara it depends so much on the personality of the person doesn’t it?

Thats why I think the answer ‘if he offers to spend Christmas on his own, it’s his choice’ is such a good one.
Because, if he like you, that’s what he genuinely prefers, then it’s great.
If it’s because he is manipulative, then no one has fallen for it.
If it’s because he is cranky and likes things his way only (and is used to people doing as he says - like many men), then he isn’t forcing anyone to do what they don’t want.

This may be a better option rather than have fil eating a Xmas dinner alone. However it will depend on OPs DHs ability to eat 2 Xmas dinners in one day

Keep the invite open to FIL. Everyone including your DH eats Xmas lunch together 12 noon with your parents. DH plates up two xmas lunches for FIL and himself to eat 5pm. This way DH has two xmas dinners and FiL one.

And you have no reason to assume that he is like your parents. You're massively projecting

I'm widowed and I'd make exactly the same decision as he has. Not because I'm manipulative, but simply because I wouldn't enjoy it or be comfortable spending Christmas Day at my daughter's parents in law's house.

If my daughter then decided that she was going to come to me instead of being with her husband and children on Christmas Day, I'd refuse to let her.

Of course my ideal Christmas Day would be with my family, but being on my own would be second best, and spending it at her (perfectly pleasant) PIL's house would be way way back in third place.

How does that make me manipulative? Why do I not get to make my own choice?

If he's anything like my parents he is a master of emotional manipulation and doesn't need to say things in words to make it clear what he expects everyone to do.
maybe you don't have parents like that. Lucky you.

She made it quite clear that she does see him as a bit of a mardy old git and she's obviously angry that her family could be split because of his refusal to agree with plans.

I don't really care about the whys and whens, my point is they don't HAVE to split the family to ensure someone is with him.

I feel for him as Christmas in someone’s else’s home wouldn’t feel right when you’re used to what you’re used to. Plus he has been told this is what’s happening rather than involved in the planning. I would feel the same way as him.

Maybe if you give him a choice in the matter and take the pressure off he’ll come around. This is what tends to happen to me, after saying I’d rather not and the pressure comes off I realise in my own time it won’t be so bad and think I might like to come along actually. (I have adhd and autism if this seems relevant).

well that's a distinct possibility

Read the OPs posts. That might help you.

Calling out his behaviour isn't ageist or sexist.

What behaviour?

100% this. I honestly feel a bit sorry for FIL, he’s had an absolute kicking in this thread for little more than politely turning down an invitation, from what I’ve read of the follow up posts.

Lots of assumption and supposition based on the tone of the op (and op herself has come back and said he hasn’t necessarily been difficult in this instance)

I'd missed this post Op.

Seems like a good solution.

He'll have a Christmas lunch & a couple of visits.

He's invited, he declined. OP is tying herself in knots to try to please everyone. He doesn't have to leave his home. That's how invitations work, you can accept or decline. Calling out his behaviour isn't ageist or sexist.

So from this, he was looking forward to coming, but doesn't feel comfortable enough at your mum's place.

That's understandable and also for you to have the evening to yourselves.

I think your latest suggestion is great as he won't feel excluded.

He wanted to spend it at OPs house like he has for the last few years since his wife died, but she needs to be at her mums this year and he’s not comfortable with going there. So he’ll be alone. Which makes OP feel guilty. Which is understandable.

I think it's hard to tell if FIL is actually holding them all to ransom so to speak or if Op thinks he is because the idea of him being alone is so awful to her?

As do many old men, they create a caricature of themselves so they get their own way.

Why shouldn't he have his own way? Why should he have to leave his own home to spend Christmas Day with people who don't even like him?

(Not to.mention the ageism and sexism in this and many other posts on this thread.)