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Original poster

I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

406 replies

Dreamsfallapartattheseams · 28/11/2024 08:36

I am fed up to the back teeth trying to constantly appease cankankerous old men.

Quick background - Every Christmas, for the last 20+ years, we have had the same family routine. My in-laws would have their Xmas lunch on their own (their choice as they liked lunch dead on 12pm), My sister and bil would have Xmas lunch with my parents and DH, our dc and I would have our lunch at ours. Then every Christmas afternoon around 5pm everyone would come over to ours(we all live very close by) for a lovely buffet tea which I would put on every year. We would have a fun filled evening of games and laughter, our Christmas days were always good....

However, sadly that all changed in 2020. My lovely MIL got cancer and died and my own mum was 2 years into her Alzheimer's journey by then. However, we still endeavoured to have a good time. FIL would come over to ours for Christmas lunch so he wasn't on his own and as usual we would have the evening buffet and fun over at ours.

This year things are going to have to be a little different. Although my mum is not yet in an very advanced state with her dementia this year she is getting worse and she does get very confused easily. She also gets very tired as she was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. So Dsis and I have decided that we will host Christmas lunch at mum and dad's with us all together (dh, my bil and I are all going to cook the meal). It means mum won't get so confused as she is in her own surroundings and we can all have a lovely lunch and leave around 6pm so not to poop her out, a full afternoon and evening would be too much for her and now my dc are older ds19 will want to go and see his girlfriend in the evening and dd16 wants to come home and watch Xmas movies. It seemed a win/win situation and it would keep everyone happy.

Apart from FIL.

DH went to see him today to tell him the plans and invite him over to my parents for lunch and he has said no. He doesn't want to go to theirs. This throws our plans completely out of the window, we can not leave him to spend Christmas day alone which means dh will now have to spend lunch with his dad and my dc and I will have to go to my parents as planned (dc find FIL boring so won't want to go to his). This will be the first time in 25 years that dh and I will have Christmas apart.

FIL has form for being awkward and he is a very quiet man, I get that, I am quiet too but my family are not strangers to him. We have all been in each others lives for 35 years and we all spend every Christmas together as well as any other family function/celebration. Mil would have been round like a shot, she would have caused no issues.

I am just so fed up spending my days trying to please everyone. Life is far from easy when you are caring for a parent with dementia and I just wanted to have a happy Christmas day all together as we have no idea what mum will be like next year.

If I had the money I would book a flight abroad and piss off for the week but I can't.

There is no persuading FIL, he is as stubborn as a mule. What can we do?

OP posts:
Mummyto2boyz · 02/12/2024 07:56

I think you've invited him and he said no. End off! Don't change your plans to suit one person. Maybe he's happy to be left alone. I'm quiet and suffer from social anxiety so a change of plans would fill me with dread so maybe it was a first response and he'll come round to it. Keep the invitation open. If not make him up a plate on the day for your DH to deliver to him and enjoy the Christmas you planned with your mum.

JFDIYOLO · 01/12/2024 08:19

There's a conversation on Threads at the moment:

I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.
saraclara · 01/12/2024 07:22

He didn't 'refuse', he declined

That's what I've been wanting to say all the way through this thread. The title indicates that @Dreamsfallapartattheseams expected him to conform to a decision that she made and that in some way she's the head of the family and should have accepted her direction.

He was invited to something, and her declined the invitation because he wouldn't be comfortable. That's his right.

I've reached the age where it's my offspring who are starting to 'take charge'. It takes some getting used to. For decades Christmas revolved around my house and my hosting, and I loved it. The change is natural, but it's hard.

JFDIYOLO · 01/12/2024 00:33

He didn't 'refuse', he declined.

Nobody has to fit in with other people's plans.

Getting so upset because he knows his own mind does suggest a certain degree of control is in play.

You don't have to be the in charge of everyone and everything martyr.

Enjoy your family Christmas.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 30/11/2024 18:59

FridayFeelingmidweek · 28/11/2024 10:28

He's a grown adult and made the decision to say no thanks. End of. Remind him he's welcome but that your hear his choice but why would you think you now need to change plans? I don't understand. He's said no thanks, it's a bit strange if you now upend your day to accommodate him when he's already said no.

If he's on his own, that's his choice. Not a good message to send to your kids if you're trying to change everyone's plans for one man. Accept his response. Respect it. Move on.

This! Why do some people feel the need to save everybody from their own company? Let him do his own thing. If he doesn't like it, he can go along with your plans next year. Your dh can spend the day with you and dc.

DearDenimEagle · 30/11/2024 16:13

I’m glad you have a resolution. Have a lovely day. It’s been a while since I had to deal with 4 generations, and I remember the work involved.

Original poster
Dreamsfallapartattheseams · 30/11/2024 14:41

browneyes77 · 30/11/2024 11:36

@Dreamsfallapartattheseams Ignore those calling you controlling.

It’s quite clear you are not and are just trying to please everyone and ensure nobody is alone at Xmas.

I’m 47 and my Mom is about hit 80, my Dad about to turn 89. And as the oldest of two children, it always falls to me to take responsibility for supporting them. So I totally understand why you’re trying to ensure that you have a solution that makes everyone happy and feel bad if anyone is left out.

Hope the day goes ok for you and you make some lovely memories with your Mom 💐

Edited

Thank you.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 30/11/2024 14:36

cowandplough · 30/11/2024 12:24

Let him get on with it. Perhaps one Christmas on his own might change his mind in the future.

Read OP’s update. He has explained his reasons and all has been resolved.

Hoppinggreen · 30/11/2024 13:29

Your DH does not have to spend xmas apart from you and the DC, its a choice.
FIL has made his and there is no reason why your DH can't spend at least most of the day with you

cowandplough · 30/11/2024 12:24

Let him get on with it. Perhaps one Christmas on his own might change his mind in the future.

StaunchMomma · 30/11/2024 12:24

Dreamsfallapartattheseams · 29/11/2024 11:34

Thank you, you have obviously read my op and updates and understand.

Show quote history

I think pretty much everyone gets that, OP. It's just we don't agree with your reasoning that you 'have' to split for the day. You don't.

It's perfectly reasonable to feel guilty about him being left alone, even though it is his choice to do so, but it's also perfectly reasonable to point out that you are allowed to prioritise other family members over him, especially as he is the only one who isn't happy to go along with the proposed plan.

browneyes77 · 30/11/2024 11:36

@Dreamsfallapartattheseams Ignore those calling you controlling.

It’s quite clear you are not and are just trying to please everyone and ensure nobody is alone at Xmas.

I’m 47 and my Mom is about hit 80, my Dad about to turn 89. And as the oldest of two children, it always falls to me to take responsibility for supporting them. So I totally understand why you’re trying to ensure that you have a solution that makes everyone happy and feel bad if anyone is left out.

Hope the day goes ok for you and you make some lovely memories with your Mom 💐

diddl · 30/11/2024 11:28

Glad you have a solution.

My dad was on his own for many years & by the time he was in his 80s he was quite set in his ways.

Well if you can't do what you want when you want in your 80s-when can you?

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 30/11/2024 11:12

So true, OP, so true.

Glad you have a plan that works for everyone.

Loveandlaughter18 · 30/11/2024 10:27

A lovely update & all so true. Happy Christmas to all.😁

Original poster
Dreamsfallapartattheseams · 30/11/2024 10:15

We have popped in to see fil this morning, he is grateful for the invite but says he is only comfortable at ours, sadly that just can not go ahead this year so DH is happy spend some time with him on Christmas day and I will go ahead with the original plans. Dh, dd and I will then spend our Christmas evening at home, in our pj's watching films, which I am very much looking forward to.

Thank you to all those who understand my predicament (which is why I placed the op in the Elderly Parents section in the first place).

For those who have given me a harder time suggesting that I am controlling and over organised etc I can assure you that I really am not.
I can't help but wonder if you have little idea what it is actually like being part of this 'sandwich generation'? - caring for elderly and often unwell parents but also living with teens/young adults and also dealing with your own health issues? It is bloody hard work and if you are going through this and have it all panned out well then I applaud you because I actually find it a struggle keeping all my plates spinning in the air.
And that does not make me a martyr, I am a sensitive person who hates to see my loved ones struggle and suffer. Old age is not for the faint-hearted.

If you have no idea what this is like because you have not yet reached this stage of your life then make plans now because it is not an easy ride especially where dementia is concerned.

Regardless of everyone's personal situation, I hope you all have a very happy and peaceful Christmas.

OP posts:
BrightLeader · 30/11/2024 08:12

I absolutely get where you are coming from. Some people just don't want help though. Sounds as if you try and always do your best to please everyone & I get that.
Please take care of yourself aswell & have a peaceful time.

Ukrainebaby23 · 30/11/2024 07:25

I would offer this to Fil as a option, second to; I'll bring your dinner round, or feel free to join us for lunch at my DM.
He can then choose.

You sound lovely and amazing and caring but maybe you are a bit of an organiser and not everyone wants to be organised in your way? Let him choose.

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 30/11/2024 07:07

If him and MIL were so rigid in their routine (along with social difficulties you’ve mentioned) he could well be someone who made it all the way through life with undiagnosed autism. If so, change is incredibly hard and possibly he’ll come around once he’s had time to absorb it. I know I would need time to come around but the knee jerk reaction would be to panic and say no

BSky · 30/11/2024 06:30

"You're trying to make everyone happy and sometimes that's impossible! You're doing your absolute best, and you sound like a lovely person. "

Well said @BruFord.

I think some people are giving OP a hard time. She is clearly an incredibly thoughtful and caring person trying to balance the needs of her own immediate family, her parents and FIL in the best way possible in these changing circumstances.

Sounds like you have a plan OP to see FIL in his home at some point as well as keeping the door open for him to join you all at your Mum’s once he's digested the change of plans.

There are other family members around who could step in this space to support FIL and OP this Christmas. Maybe it's their turn to offer to have FIL or to pop in and see him.

Good luck OP and I hope you manage to have a rest over Christmas /at some point over the festive period.

TorroFerney · 30/11/2024 05:58

Dreamsfallapartattheseams · 29/11/2024 11:57

I understand, I too have autism/adhd.

But we are talking about a man who was born in the 1940's. A man from a different generation, mil did everything for him (even bringing him buffet food at parties). My fil has never in his 83 years organised a Christmas lunch and has no desire to. When he came to ours he would eat it, never offer to clean up or wash up and then sit all afternoon watching sexist 1970's tv shows. What plans do you propose I get him involved with?

Show quote history

Yes my mum and dad are the same (now 80’s) They’ve been coming to ours on Christmas Day for at least for the last 15 years only my mum now as my dad is dead but it’s as you say they get collected , fed and watered and then get taken home so either me or husband don’t have a drink. They don’t come and help, they don’t turn up with a bottle of wine. My dad was the same with the buffet thing and asking my mum in restaurants “do I like that?” When looking at the menu.

Loveandlaughter18 · 29/11/2024 23:56

Dreamsfallapartattheseams · 29/11/2024 22:23

DH has said this is probably what he will do. We will pop and see fil this weekend and see if hes happy to comes to ours as usual but dc and I will spend lunch with my parents.

Show quote history

What a lovely & thoughtful idea. If FIL refuses you've tried your best & that's all that counts.

DearDenimEagle · 29/11/2024 23:45

Just talk to him. Tell him you’re all going to be doing differently this year and ask what he wants to do, Does he want left alone, a meal brought round? Could you all pop in for a wee visit before or after the other festivities? Maybe do an early or late Christmas visit on a different day eg he comes to you on Boxing Day for lunch ?
Some of us like Christmas Day in peace on our own.

Original poster
Dreamsfallapartattheseams · 29/11/2024 22:23

Jack80 · 29/11/2024 19:45

I would think that if DH and Fil have lunch together and you take your kids to mums then DH can come to your mums later.

DH has said this is probably what he will do. We will pop and see fil this weekend and see if hes happy to comes to ours as usual but dc and I will spend lunch with my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamsfallapartattheseams · 29/11/2024 22:18

BrightLeader · 29/11/2024 20:30

Xmas is so difficult. I am approaching 70 have RA & quite frankly finding it all too much to cope with. Have 4 grown up children ( 3 with partners & kids & yet it is always me that has to cater. There was a rift in the family last xmas so this year we are hopefully off to our holiday home in Scotland with daughter who has special needs & our 13 year old foster son. ( sorry forgot to mention that we have been fostering for the past 12 years. ) Looking forward to a less stressed time this year tbh..

Christmas can definitely be a tricky time of the year.
I hope you manage to have a relaxing time in Scotland.

OP posts: