I am so upset, FIL has refused to go with our xmas plans this year and now I don't know what to do.

If FIL wants to stay on his own at home, let him. You've invited him, he's said no thanks, that's it really. Don't spend the day apart from DH unnecessarily.

You are running round, stressing to make sure everyone else is having a nice Christmas.

Who is concerned about you having a nice Christmas?

Answer: as the woman in all this, no one is concerned of course!

I’m so over being the Christmas Martyr. My in-laws have played Christmas chicken with us, and my lot are still undecided where they are going, maybe mine, maybe not.

So, I told the lot of them I’m not available. Have a lovely Christmas 🤶 😘 xxxx

I thought Christmas was about goodness and kindness and all that.

It wouldn't be nice for a son to leave his father alone if being around lots of people feels too much for him this time even if he knows them well. The FIL is allowed to change his mind this year too. It can't be easy for him either.

The DH should spend time with his father. OP still has both her parents and children around with her for the day. Hopefully in future years her and DH can spend most of the day together again.

Obviously he if wants to be totally alone then let him be.

Sensitive and wise.

Awwww.

You sound very caring and lovely op.

Also sounds like fil hasn't kicked up a fuss or been selfish and your belief DH needs to lunch with him is a projection of your feelings over the way Xmas should be spent.

Sounds like you've got some helpful perspective and can offer a more modest solution that will work for everyone.

Good stuff.

I think if he wants to be alone at Christmas that's fine and should be respected, the only thing I would say is let him know that if he changes his mind he's still welcome - including on the day itself.

He may revel in the peace and quiet or he may find it feels more lonely and depressing than he anticipated and I wouldn't want him to feel he couldn't join you if it were the latter.

He has chosen not to come - there is nothing more that you can do - I am sure that there will be another bit of Christmas that he can share. Being with someone with dementia might feel hard for him. You have done your best - you have asked him - you can do no more.

Why does your husband have to spend it with his Dad? If he doesn't want to come then let him spend it on his own.

You invited him and he said no, therefore making the decision himself to spend Christmas alone. He is an adult, presumably with capacity and it's not up to your DH to facilitate his choices nor spend Christmas apart from his own family.

I'd have your DH gently tell him that you'll all be continuing with your plans as arranged.

Christmas dinner is not the only good part of Christmas day. Personally it's my least favourite 😅.

Stick with your plan and, if you can, get your DH to pop a plate over for him and then come back to your parents'.

I don't think this is as simple as an old man being grumpy or stubborn. Can you try and see it from his view - he had also had the same routine for 20 years. He is possibly feeling lonely, scared and overwhelmed at having to do something different. Perhaps he isn't very social and spending a difficult family time without his wife may be difficult for him if he has to be around other people like your parents. I am speaking about this from the eyes of my dad who can sometimes come over grumpy and stubborn but deep down he is struggling.

I think it would be kind to grit your teeth and have at least some part of Christmas day apart from your dh, so he can be with his dad. You will see him again later. I honestly think that whilst you have a strong desire to be with your dh for Christmas lunch, the needs of your fil around potential grief and loss can trump that.

You have essentially the option to help you fil with a bit of self sacrifice in terms of wanting your dh with you, and I think that is a in the Christmas spirit, if you can frame it like that.

This - your FIL is an adult and can make his own decisions. Invite him over to yours for the buffet tea in the evening. If he doesn’t come, it is his choice.

Well done OP. You are a carer. Cut yourself some slack! Hope you get time to put your feet up and be pampered during this festive period

I’m assuming with a dgc of 19 this man is at least 70. He’s widowed with grown children. If he can’t decline an invitation and be left in peace with it at this point in his life then when can he? There is nothing bloody wrong with being in your own company and given that everyone in this situation lives close by then he can either visit or be visited at some point in the day or be invited for Christmas Eve supper or Boxing Day lunch or any number of other things.

By OP & DH explaining the reasons & FIL still of the same mind they can all rest assured he is happy to spend the day alone & they need not feel guilty. I don't see it as putting a guilt trip on him. It's only fair he has a proper explanation as to the change of plan so he can consider how he feels afterwards & make a final decision based on this.

There are several things to factor in.

The Christmases you’ve had in the past can and do change. Your children are getting older and no longer want or need the child traditions of Christmas.

Changing health needs, changing circumstances and bereavements, all mean that day to day life and special occasions are different. You don’t need to try to make them the same.

Traditions will change again, as your own children acquire partners, move away, start their own family traditions.

People, as they get older want and need different things. Your FiL is a quiet man and maybe now, he just wants to have a quiet day and reflect. For him, perhaps it isn’t the same going to someone else’s house, even though he knows them, especially without his wife.

You described your MiL as ‘lovely’. You don’t speak of him with the same fondness and it’s hurtful that you say your children find him boring.

Bear in mind that you can’t keep things as they were ad infinitum. People change, circumstances change and you’re just causing yourself angst.

Agree with this.

I actually understand FIL, but then I prefer being at home for Christmas.

If you and your sister are leaving your mum and dad's at 6pm, will your sister and her family be coming back to yours for the evening buffet like you usually do? If so, could you ask him if he'd like to come along for that.
I think dropping a dinner round to him before you go to your parents is a good idea too.

Why can't your FiL spend Christmas day alone? Is he unable to cook himself a meal?
Of course, I understand that 'it's christmas' and everyone gets so stressed about trying to please everyone. But this is his choice; perhaps he would feel overwhelmed at just being with your family without 'support' (yes, your DH will be there, but still hard)
Why not pop and see him on your way to your Mums and bring him a plate back?

When he refused the invitation to your parents, did he do so amicably and indicate that he'd be quite happy on his own? Or was it more of a grumpy refusal, with the expectation/hope that you'd change your plans to make sure he wasn't left alone?

If the former, I would leave him to it but pop in for a drink with him at some point. If the latter, I would try and have a conversation with DP and FIL together and work out a compromise (such as DP bringing him lunch, or a FaceTime call with everyone, or FIL coming to you in the evening).

My experience - with my father, my aunt and my godmother, all of whom I am very close to - is that somewhere between years 2 and 3 there comes an acceptance.

Not that you don't constantly miss them, but that their memory is a source of happiness and not hurt, and that you find a way of living day to day that works. At Christmas, doubly so.

My godmother likes to be surrounded by people on Christmas Day, my aunt likes to see the grandchildren in the afternoon but prefers to keep the rest of the day private, my father wants to either be with us or spend the day with Radio Four.

That's not "won't be grieving"; that's "lives with grief". Let's not get melodramatic about an adult who is capable nof choosing for himeself.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh, you're obviously just trying to keep everyone happy

True. Equally, FIL has agency. There is nothing inherently wrong with him saying no, not this year. Its well within his right. OP is unnecessarily making herself a martyr here.

He's an adult.

Leave him at home. See him another day.