So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 4

Thinking of you @GoldenSpraint and everyone else in this very sad situation. My DM passed away in November last year, I relate to many of the sentiments expressed on this thread. Sending good wishes to you and your loved ones.

Really lovely lady here overnight. She has a similar spirit to my mum, I feel at ease. 😊

Beautiful messages @GoldenSpraint and sending you and your mum all the best. Our animals are such a wonderful presence at times like this, grounding and reassuring ❤️

Thank you everyone ❤️

I realised I hadn't eaten so heated some soup and ate with a cheese scone. Am currently heating something for tea.

Mum has helped me through so much in life, she was there when my marriage disintegrated, and she and my paternal granddad brought me up as my dad was busy with his own life.

We've always been close. I sat with her earlier and held her hand for a while until she dozed.

Looking through photos took my mind off things for a while. And sorting some bits out.

The two loveliest carers will be here soon, then later the night nurse.

I'm hoping it's tonight, I'd like her last care to be the two best, and for there to be someone here so I can have a sleep.

If Mum is here tomorrow night, I think I'll have to stay up somehow.

I don't feel alone - it's pretty much always been me and Mum against the world, we're not outgoing people who need lots of other people around, so don't anyone feel bad for me!

Our cat is here bringing me back down to earth when he wants his meals and letting out. 🐈‍⬛️

@GoldenSpraint I feel heartbroken for you when I read about the relationship you and your Mum shared. This must be unbelievable hard for you to cope with on your own and a very lonely journey.
My Dad is hanging on and I’ve spent the day at the hospice holding his hand. The staff are incredibly kind and I’m glad he’s being so well looked after. Sadly I had a complicated relationship with Mum and Dad isn’t my biological Dad although I’ve known him for most of my life. I feel a huge sense of loss and dread of what lies ahead.

Welcome to The Club No One Wants To Be In™️ @CeliaCanth. Sometimes it’s really helpful to just vent, and you’ll get no judgement here.

@GoldenSpraint it’s hard to know what to say to you, everything I can think of feels so trite or cliched. I guess all I’ll say is I hope this period, be it hours, days or however long, passes peacefully for both you and your mum.

We had a scare over the weekend, I was visiting my parents to check in on them (I live 200 miles from them so my brother and I have an arrangement that we take it in turns to visit them once a month to do practical stuff) and within in an hour of me arriving my dad was showing signs of a stroke - he was incoherent, slumped in his chair, couldn’t raise his arms from his sides. I called 111 who called an ambulance (emergency call but still took 30 mins to arrive), long story short he was taken to hospital where we had a 1 hour wait in the car park followed by another 7 hours inside the hospital. They did a load of tests inc a CT scan but couldn’t find anything (other than the very long list of existing issues) wrong. He’d reverted back to normal (well, his normal) by then and they decided to discharge him.

So now we’ve got a whole new thing to be worried about/on watch for. He’s racking up quite the list of conditions/medical issues. It’s like a bingo card of “What Will Kill You First” <dark laugh>

Can I join the thread please?
Just returned from a 500-mile round trip to visit my mum in her nursing home. So much of what others have said resonates with me completely. My mum is completely bed-bound and barely able to speak or hear after a series of strokes. I have spent probably the last 12 or 13 years worried about first my dad, who died six years ago, then her, as she has become increasingly frail, and the constant stress of wondering when my next trip will be, what the next phone call will bring, how to arrange time off work, what will have to be cancelled, etc., does take its toll.
She was awake on Sunday, slept through my visit yesterday, and was awake intermittently today. Her friends do visit too, but pester the nurses to force-feed her, try to wake her up, move her around etc.. Fortunately it is agreed that this is not the right thing to do at this stage.
It feels better to type all this out…!

@GoldenSpraint I'm so sorry, it's heartbreaking isn't it. My Mom and I have also been close so I know how you feel. My Dad died 30+ years ago so we've involved her in everything we've done. She helped so much when my children were young, I'm glad that I've been able to repay her in some way by looking after her since cancer diagnosis

your love for your mum shines through your posts @GoldenSpraint , and in hope it sustains you through this vigil.

It's just me and Mum here. Very quiet as we're quiet people, and just as Mum would want. 😊

Tonight there will be a nurse from the hospice sitting with Mum. I had to sleep last night and managed three hours, so a sitter will be lovely, so Mum won't be alone, and she can wake me if necessary.

Mum looked at me so intently earlier for ages without blinking. Like she was drinking me up for the last time. And not wanting to go and never see me again.

I've spent most of today sobbing. I feel wracked.

I've sorted a beautiful outfit she loved for her final journey. And am gathering some items to go with her.

I can't believe me and Mum are almost at an end. We're so incredibly close, best friends, have spent so much time together, done so much until the terrible dementia disease came.

I feel like I'm having my heart ripped out.

Us too, @GoldenSpraint how are you feeling? The house is full, family all paying visits, plus carers and district nurses. I don’t think that the kettle has had chance to get cold! Whilst you don’t wish the inevitable to happen, it’s so difficult not knowing when. One nurse said “hours”, another thought that it could be a few days yet

Another day dawns. Mum is still here. I thought she might go last night. It's imminent and I think it's very very unlikely for her to be here in March. It'll be a blessing for her when she glides away. ❤️

Carers she may not see again have been saying gentle and loving farewells which has been wonderful. 🌷

Sorry to hear about your grandmother @HellsBells67.

Thinking of you both @GoldenSpraint and @Cupofteaneeded.

It is hurtful, Goose, my mum's a beautiful kind and generous person, and it hurts a lot. The only time they got in touch was when their cat sitter fell through and they wanted someone to stay at their house when they went away.

I'm heading to bed now, I feel Mum might have hours or a day left, and we've had hugs and kisses earlier. She's fast asleep looking so peaceful and I feel at ease hoping she might go in her sleep. She deserves something so calm and restful. ❤️

Night everyone, hope everyone's vigils are calm, and your loved ones have peaceful nights. 🙏🤗❤️

Wishing peace at this difficult time. X

@GoldenSpraint Wishing you and your Mum a peaceful night. I think it’s really hurtful when family members of friends don’t phone or visit. My Dad has some amazing neighbours he saw regularly and they keep checking in with me but Dad’s extended family have been awful.

Could be a long night for both of us @GoldenSpraint , I hope that you and your Mum get some rest too xx I’ve cried so much today that I can barely see but only when I’m out of her bedroom. I think that I’ll be fine when it actually happens, it’s the anticipatory grief plus seeing other people upset

@cupofteaneeded Mmm, let's not mention absent relatives who live just down the road and haven't seen Mum for years!

I hope your mum has a good night and gets some peace now. Xx

The night nurse has just been and administered Midazolam.

Mum was asking for her mum and getting a bit worked up. She's finding it difficult to sleep, so hopefully this will give her a restful night.

Mum's carers came and I had a good sob. I didn't want her disturbed so we chatted in the kitchen and they gave me big hugs 🤗

Ahh @GoldenSpraint, I feel for you, I think that I’m in a similar position. I’ve been nursing my DM in her own home for the last 18 months (terminal cancer plus very elderly) and after quite a good week and eating and drinking well, she was suddenly very ill in the early hours and the district nurse thinks it might be a matter of hours. I hope so, for her sake but it’s very hard. She’s dosed up on morphine and midazolam and appears peaceful so I’m just sitting with her
It does hurt when people who profess to be friends never pop round, mind you, there are also a couple of relatives who haven’t shown their faces, probably in case they might have to help somehow! I’m determined not to be bitter though, let it be on their own consciences

@AInightingale yes it did make me think too, although I didn't mention it to mum as it would only worry her. Probably midazolam as there was a box of just in case meds in the house it seems. I think it was a kindness although I wish they had warned mum it could be quick as she was told she was sleeping peacefully, went out for something and missed her passing. But we can't have it all I guess.

Mum's nurse has just been and agrees there's been a big deterioration since Friday and that it won't be long now.

I told our neighbour it wouldn't be long (I didn't want her to look out the window and be shocked if she saw the bed and other items being taken away), and she said she felt guilty for not visiting mum since she started receiving palliative care in September.

Wasn't sure what to say to that. It really hurt that she's stayed away. So I said something non commital, and left her with her thoughts.

My own grandmother died suddenly 24 years ago in her nursing home after being 'settled down' in a private room after being agitated and distressed, your post has made me wonder @HellsBells67. That was just before the Shipman era reforms, and doctors and nurses may have been a little less cautious about prescribing to those with severe dementia and the terminally ill.

Sometimes a powerful drug or combination of drugs can take a very old sick person over the edge very quickly and I don't think it's a bad thing really. Sorry for your loss but also understand that it's a mercy.

My grandmother (102) passed away peacefully in her own home last week. It was a mercy. She was distressed for one morning, nurse gave her antisickness and something for anxiety, my mother is unsure what the name of it was, and she slept then passe away an hour later. It was an absolute year of hell caring for her but it's soon forgotten I'm sure.

Sending love to you all.

It's so difficult isn't it @AgitatedGoose to know what to do, and not be constantly second guessing what the best thing is.

I'm pleased you've done what feels right for you. 😊

Here, a nurse from the surgery has just been and she thinks that going by Mum's output her kidneys are shutting down, and other organs will follow. She had a lady recently who died after 24 days of not eating or drinking, but the lady was occasionally nibbling tiny bits of chocolate.

Since my mum has eaten nothing at all for a couple of weeks and drunk nothing at all for almost the same, she feels Mum will leave us much sooner than that.

My mum has her own nurse from the surgery who's coming to see Mum on her way home. She also saw Mum on Friday so it'll be clearer to her how much of a deterioration there's been.

We've had some lovely weather and the birds have started singing, and it all feels so right now.

I'm sleeping okay, and have spent a fortune at my local farm shop on homemade ready meals and yummy handmade pies and soup. I'm not great at self care so at least if I'm living off quick stuff, it's nutritious and good quality!

Hugs to everyone here 🤗 ❤️ 🙏

@GoldenSpraint I’m pleased you were able to have a helpful conversation with the hospice nurse and I agree knowing a loved one is going to die but not knowing when is incredibly difficult.
I’ve decided not to return to work as I don’t think I’d be much use and being 3-4 hours drive away when my Dad has no one else is too awful to imagine.
I’ve self certified for this week and then plan to register as a temporary patient in Dad’s area. I don’t have a GP where I live ( complicated story) so I hope this won’t be a barrier. Wishing you strength with the long vigil with your Mum. x