So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 4

Hi everyone

Thanks so much to all of you who supported me during my mum's final weeks and days. I couldn't have coped without being able to talk in here and just to have your thoughts was incredibly helpful.

Mum is being cremated this morning. It's another beautiful sunny day just as it was when she died, and I feel blessed by that.

Especially love and hugs to @AgitatedGoose and @cupofteaneeded - we went through the end of our Mum's and Dad's lives together, our nighttime vigils, and sad relief when our lovely parents were gone. ❤️🌷☀️

I hope everyone in this brutal club finds solace soon 🙏

I travelled home for a few days and am back at mums just now. She's v frail, but still managing to get out of bed herself, gave her a shower this am, and she's eaten more than I have over past few days. Still dropping in thoughts of care home to her - but she moves between thinking about it to being adamant she wants to stay at home.

She's much more confused than she was when I was home a couple of weeks ago.
Think Dr's are expecting a rapid decline, don't think she's come to terms with that, but we'll take it one day at a time.

@rickyrickygrimes the conversation was entirely at the home’s insistence. They’ve been burned before when a new resident collapsed their first night and their paperwork including DNAR had not been transferred from their previous institution yet, so they try and get the plan in place as soon as possible.

they did acknowledge that some people find it a very difficult conversation to have. But their ethos is giving their residents the best quality of life they can have, and they made it clear that that includes all the way to their death. I’m reassured.

Well done for having the courage and foresight to have this conversation. I don’t think it even occurred to DH, FIL, SIL to talk about this with the home where MIL was. I sometimes asked questions about ‘what happens if…?’ but was either met with a shrug, or FIL just looked outraged at the very suggestion that anything could / should be done other than just keep her going at any cost.

I sat down with mums care home manager at the weekend and went through her advanced care plan. Mums never discussed what she’d want so I can only go by what she did for her elderly relatives when they were at end of life.

Shes doing ok but very frail so one fall or bout of pneumonia away from a crisis. The manager has specialised in end of care life and they support people dying there and only a few of their residents pass away in hospital. With that knowledge and a GP that has a very pragmatic approach when it comes to the care of the very elderly, I think she’s in good hands. It’s her birthday this week and they’d already bought and wrapped some gifts for her. Little things like that make it feel like she’s really cared for, I’m very grateful.

@CaveMum Hugs gratefully accepted! (I have had a truly shit year, not just my parents and internet hugs have been so helpful)

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 plenty of understanding hugs (or manly shoulder punches, if that’s what you’d prefer) from me.

It’s so tough when they won’t recognise that there are things that can be done to help, if they’d just accept them.

I hear you on the distance, I’m a good 3.5 hours away from my parents, with work and primary school children to juggle. My husband is great and understanding, but there’s still so much frustration (on my part) that I can’t split myself in two!

I posted here a while back, feeling so helpless this morning. My father is back in hospital after a couple of months in a nursing home. He had an infection, but seems to have rallied. But he is unhappy. My mother at home is frail and riddled with arthritis, and got stuck in bed this morning. She is resistant to suggestions of more carers for her, sensible things like a key safe. We spoke last night that she feels guilty about letting him go into hospital last year, which was the last time he walked. Although she accepts there is no cure for what is going on, she is unhappy about everything.

I live 4 hours away, by myself with pets and work that have to be managed. I can think of so many options to make things easier but she will not accept them.
I find myself praying that they might just die in the night and that makes me guilty, but I think that is what they both want.
where is the dignity and choice. 🥀

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing?

Sorry for your loss @AgitatedGoose. You were with him in the room and that's enough, no one can go for days without sleeping sometime.
I have been thinking of this thread while watching the updates on Pope Francis, funnily enough, who seems to be receiving artificial ventilation now. I wish they'd just let him slip away, he is a very sick old man and his body is spent. Aggressive medical intervention to prolong the life of the Pope seems to be the ultimate irony!

Sending you much love ❤️❤️❤️

It was just Mum and me, too, so I empathise with you.

Be kind to yourself, @AgitatedGoose and go gently xxx

@AgitatedGoose my sincere condolences. No matter how ready you think you are, and how much you want the “release” for their sake, when it actually happens it is so devastating. You did all that you could and, in time, knowing that will be a comfort to you. Look after yourself

@AgitatedGoose I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Be kind to yourself, you’ve done so much in the last few months/weeks.

@AgitatedGoose im sorry to read your update. You have been amazing, please remember that. The feeling of emptiness is gut wrenching. Your DF is at peace, no more pain. Take care of yourself .

@GoldenSpraint Thank you for thinking of me and I hope you’re ok. Sadly my lovely and brave Dad died at daybreak this morning. I’d spent three nights sleeping in his room at the hospice and must have missed his last breath by minutes. It’s been a beautiful day here today and I’m glad the sun was shining. I feel heartbroken, lost and alone at present as I have no immediate family left.

@AgitatedGoose

I'm wondering how things are with you and your dad. Hopefully everything is peaceful and winding down, and that you can join us soon in the graduation group.

I've been thinking about you both.

❤️❤️❤️

I was here under another username a few months ago whilst supporting my DF through end of life care. I ended up back reading through as I mull over events a few months on. I’m so sorry for those of you have lost a dear parent recently. It’s a hard time.

I just wanted to thank you. Reading the emotions and hearing the love expressed here has brought me a lot of peace as I try to process my Dad’s final weeks. My thoughts are will you all.

catching up with some of the pages on here since I last wrote.
im so sorry to read of the losses, so difficult and personal, yet so peaceful too.
You have each given so much love and comfort to your DMs, you will look back and know you’ve done your best.

@Cupofteaneeded Sending love and heartfelt condolences. x

Sending love to @GoldenSpraint and @Cupofteaneeded .

Thank you all for your good wishes, such a supportive group of people! And good advice and words of wisdom from those who have "graduated " too.
I wonder how long my immediate reaction to events is the thought "must tell Mom, that'll make her laugh" will be. At the moment, being without her around seems unimaginable

@Cupofteaneeded @AgitatedGoose thinking of you both at this tough time. Look after yourselves.

Sending love to you both @GoldenSpraint and @Cupofteaneeded , sad times but you did your loved ones so proud.

So sorry also for your loss @Cupofteaneeded. My nurse friend told me she used to open a window for patients too, it’s a comforting thought.

@GoldenSpraint when MIL died 6 years ago (unexpectedly) DH found he was so busy with phoning people, making arrangements, etc that he didn’t actually have space to draw breath and process what had happened for a good week or so. As she had died just before a bank holiday we had to wait 3 weeks before we could hold the funeral so there was a very strange waiting period then.

Sending you much love @Cupofteaneeded
And to you @AgitatedGoose for your continued vigil

Mum is being picked up at 7pm, the first time she's been out since last September.

So many emotions today, I'm going to miss her unconditional love, her support, her friendship. We were so close despite our ups and downs over the years. She was and is everything to me.

I am bitter about how dementia robbed us of so many good times, but we persevered and pushed back as much as we could. Nothing took away love.

I spoke to the funeral directors this afternoon and I'm getting exactly what Mum would want. A beautiful coffin from Colourful Coffins that the directors will order. All my plans are acceptable to them and the whole thing sounds absolutely what Mum would cherish.

I think I must have said I Love You to her a thousand times over the last 24 hours we had together, and I held her hand pretty much all of the time.

The only bit I'm not looking forward to and won't like is the period between them picking her up, and her cremation. I'm going to feel very bereft without her, and will be looking forward to the day I get her ashes back.

Thank you everyone for your support over the last few weeks. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️