MIL constantly falling - we are at our wits end

I don't know exactly how the system works but given these are frequent and all requiring attention I would speak to the doctor and ward supervisor and tell them you're not happy for her to be released back home. She needs full time care by the sounds of it.

Yes. People in middle age get stressed into caring for their elderly parents on top of their other responsibilities - helping with grandchildren, having a job, and unfortunately elderly parents (not them all but a lot of them) prioritise themselves and don't take their childrens' other responsibilities into account. Many (I realise not all) of today's elderly population maybe didn't have a paid job (mainly women), got their pensions at 65/60 and don't seem to realise or care the next generation down have many other responsibilities to juggle. This is why Carers Assessment is necessary to help the people in middle age

So sorry for this difficult situation. I truly empathise with you

My father was similar to your MIL & as an only child, it was a difficult time. In all probability she will fall again & SS may intervene & refuse to let her go home even with a care plan in place. I would begin looking around for suitable Care homes. Maybe bring her near to you. I think in the end my father gave up rather than risk being moved out of his home.

Thanks , he likes to bring it up sometimes and I bring up how horrible he was when I was doing most of his mums care and personal care . Honestly if it's taught me anything is to always say no , there's so much help out there , but when family is seen doing anything , you won't get help atall

My MIL was a frequent faller, she had no downstairs toilet, would not use the commode provided, couldn't leave the house by either the front or back door. It was clear to the family that the house was totally unsuitable for her needs but she would not look at other options. The falls escalated until the week she fell again within two hours of a discharge after a fall and then fell again after the next discharge. At that point the professionals decided that she was not acting in her own best interests (the family would have said this about nine months earlier) and when she said that she wanted to go home she didn't have an appreciation that this might mean seven hours on the floor overnight. She was discharged to a residential care home where she put some weight on and several medical conditions resolved (presumably because she was taking the medication as prescribed). She wasn't happy there but she hadn't been happy at home either. The family were a great deal happier as they knew she was eating and being looked after.

The last year that she was at home was not an easy one, it was a massive relief when we knew that there was someone within call all of the time.

I agree with this and it is helpful. I would just add .. your DH driving 500 miles when she falls. He is, I will emphasise, HE IS A CARER. He is entitled legally to a Carers Assessment. Not for his parent. For him. You might have to force the issue of Carers Assessment because Social Work seem to hope people don't know about it, but it's a legal right and they cannot deny it. Don't let them deny your legal rights.

Sorry when you said the relationship broke down I thought you meant it ended. At least he saw sense eventually.

I'm still with him . Pathetic I know . I went out in a pyschosis state and thought I was in love with someone hence the relationship breakdown 😳 I've never cheated on him in my life but I told and told him , it's making me ill , I can't do it anymore and then he told me I'll just put her in a home then 😭

Unfortunately until you step away and not rush up to see her when she falls, nothing will happen. For various reasons, my sister and I are fairly low contact with our elderly mother. She has a carer once a day but she knows that if things get any worse she will have to go into a home. She has had one fall and broke her hip. She was in hospital for months. She now always uses her frame and sleeps downstairs.

I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t believe the cheek of your ex guilting you to look after his mum. He could always have cared for her himself if he didn’t want her to go into a home.

I'm so sorry OP , but much solidarity. I cared for my MIL when I really shouldn't have tbh , I had already had a postpartum Pyschosis relapse months before but I felt extremely pressured , I then had another one which was so bad my relationship broke down because of it . I should have put my foot down more and said no , which I did by telling my partner I'm getting ill but I should have been more persistent . People don't realise how hard it is and how much it sucks the life out of you. I had All the guilt of my partner of I'll just put her in a home then . I wished I'd have said go on then do that and I absolutely loved my MIL btw .

@WinterFrog the daft thing is there genuinely is loads of support out there. As you said and happened in our case - because we made no decisions for Dad, because mother and brother wouldn’t everything got taken out of our hands.

Is your mum near you? Would your MIL consider moving into the same place that your mum's in, so there's someone she knows there?

Raises a tired hand - am also a wits ender though thankfully mine is a bit less stubborn, and nearer than @FeralNun's

If she's going to rehab you may well find the problem solved. My mother is currently in one and they assess the home before they are allowed to be discharged there. We've had family liason meetings to discuss what care we are able to offer. Mum's house could be made safe enough for her to go home but she'll need 24/7 care for the foreseeable, and we can't manage that, so she's hopefully ( see what i did there...it's not yet settled where she's going) going into residential care.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his mum and Social services that he cannot help. When she calls him, he should just call her an ambulance. If he won't do thst, nothing will change. Sorry.

Not really. Once they’re using a frame it’s hard to get from the frame onto the lift.

OP we had an elderly next door neighbour like this who had frequent falls, house very unsuitable with steps and different levels and her eyesight was failing. Eventually after one of her falls, social services decided that she wouldn't be allowed to go home (she was always adamant that she wanted to stay in her house) and she went into a local care home. If your MIL is having frequent falls, she isn't capable of taking care of herself. I hope social services will step in and make the decision or that you can persuade her that it's no longer safe at home.

I’ve dealt with a number of elderly relatives and now carer for elderly parents.

DH needs to step up to the position of a parent to a demanding elderly child.

Her health is now a safeguarding issue. Not just falls but fires, break ins etc. Would she be able to get out if there was a fire? She is no longer safe in her home and unless your DH has the courage to take charge of the situation and organise a care home for her she may well die from a fall. That’s the reality. She may complain and make a fuss but she will come to terms with it.

In one relatives case they visibly relaxed once they were in a home with carers around them all the time, despite having resisted for a couple of years. They actively enjoyed it. That experience changed my views of the wisdom of keeping people in their own home until the bitter end. Like your DH we left it until they were a safeguarding risk and then did it the move for them.

If funds aren't an issue would a stair lift be helpful? At least minimise the risk of falling on stairs.

It sounds really tough.

If she has got capacity then I’d encourage your DH to have a firm and frank conversation with her, putting boundaries in place, do not be afraid to tell her if you think she is being unfair. Ultimately, as others have said, it is her choice what happens if she does have capacity until the point that she doesn’t.

@MrsJoanDanvers oh yes to the ‘we just thought you would eventually move home’…..so firstly you ‘assumed’ without actually asking and secondly what planet are you on? I moved an hour away 35 years ago and built a life here.

In all honesty @Paganpentacle she just stares at us but you can see her seething but too clever to say anything. She has this knack of saying ‘ well Mrs So and So’s son is at hers every day’. He well maybe but perhaps Mrs So and So doesn’t criticise absolutely everything done to try and help. Grrr. Feel your pain @FeralNun

I understand @FeralNun

unfortunately, it took me having a nervous breakdown for mum to accept some things

it can't all be what they want unless they have a 24 hour robot helper

in the meantime, has she been asked if she's falling due to dizziness? I know sometimes it's hard to get an answer about the cause of the fall though. But there are meds that might help with that one and it's not been a suggestion that medics made. I only realised it was a factor with mum because I know her well enough. Sometimes the knowledge isn't easy to come by if no one lives near the person.

When she says 'I dont want that' ....

.....what does she say when you reply- no, we don't want to be driving 100's of miles at the drop of a hat every time you fall either...

She’s not being fair to you. It must be scary being alone and frail so she’s clinging onto her son and shutting her eyes to necessary things which have to be faced. Some elderly people are expert at guilt tripping. My sharp as a tack but frail (fell twice with fractures) mil has to have carers even though she doesn’t like it and complains about them-trivial stuff not poor care or anything. Her own daughter has had to keep the fact she’s recently retired from her to avoid the pressure to move 150 miles back to her childhood home to look after her-mil keeps mentioning it how nice it would be to have her back at home. My mil’s family love her but you need firm boundaries about what you an and can’t do.

An urgent referral to the falls clinic would be helpful, in my experience they are brilliant.