MIL constantly falling - we are at our wits end

Early 70s isn't old really but I agree with the poster you quoted in saying that it's the best time to make adaptations, get rid of things like over-bath showers, install anti slip flooring in bathrooms and kitchens, install a downstairs toilet etc. But a lot of people on pensions wouldn't have the money to do this. Adapting homes to reduce risk would save the social care system a lot of money in the long run.

I don’t see that older people necessarily need to downsize. Surely all you need is a down stairs toilet. I am in my early 70s. I am not going to downsize because I have visitors. My grandchildren stay very often. Quite a few of the people in my street are older than me and manage fine. One very old lady has a live in carer and the fact that she hasn’t downsized means that the live in carer has their own bedroom and sitting room. You can always fit a stairlift.

Frail old people fall getting out of bed...

Oh yes, that's how my mum broke her hip.

She was never able to spend another night in her home - the home that meant everything to her and for which she sacrificed so much. She literally cut down on food and heating, just so she could live in the house in which she brought up her children.

Her last year of life was beyond distressing. I'll spare you the details, but trust me, you don't want this for your relatives, or for yourself.

It turned out my DM was OK about falling because she thought she'd just die quickly from a head injury.

When I pointed out it was far more likely that she'd end up not dead but with an unfixable disability that she had to live with for years she got on board more.

However I try not to 'parent' her except when she is off the scale self-sabotaging.

^^ this is exactly what happened to my gran. Never able to walk unaided again. She wouldn't be told. I just don't understand why there isn't more of a campaign for older people to be more 'aware' of their fragility.
Our hospitals are bursting with old people - many of whom have no clinical reason to be there.

By 70 everyone should have an idea of what adaptation they may need to make to their life or home. But many don't. It's especially annoying for people who have the means to downsize, live somewhere age appropriate but don't. They bury their heads in the sand until it's a crisis without any regard for those who need to care for them. We all need to learn from this.

We have endless guidance on birth and the start of life but none on the end. We must talk about it.

I worked in elderly care, OP, and it's sadly a very common tale. The chances are that she's dehydrated because she's worrying about getting to the toilet, not taking her meds properly and is scared of moving around so she's getting muscle wastage. It's a vicious downward spiral. But her head is telling herself a different story to her body - be gentle, accepting your own frailty is a tough call. I would talk to the hospital about getting a social worker for her, and go from there.

I do like your user name OP...

Just echoing what pps have said - it's not a question of if, but when, your MIL will fall and break her hip/femur/pelvis, and if you read this forum for any length of time, you are all into a new level of nightmare/circle of hell with a hospital admission, trolley wait, the multiple urine infections which seem inevitable, delirium, rehab that doesn't actually help very much, rapidly declining mental/physical heath, mad searches to find a residential or nursing home/ set up a care package for the house...your MIL needs to accept that she needs this care now. I know that she is probably very stubborn, but prevention in this case is most definitely better than cure. My own mother fell three times in her sheltered accommodation, so that's not always the solution. Frail old people fall getting out of bed, over their own feet, over plant pots in the garden...

@FeralNun keep us updated if It helps xx

You might find this website useful, @FeralNun

https://www.yourstride.com/blog/life-expectancy-after-a-fall-in-the-elderly-in-the-uk/

Sending a huge hug. It's really tough! 💐

Yes this, really. My mother has fallen due to exactly these things. Usually she just slid to the floor, between chair and her frame. Easy enough to help her up when that happened ( with two people) She has twice fallen backwards, pulling her frame on top of her,resulting in injury. Sorry to say once a person reaches a certain point, all the mobility aids won't help. Though for many years they have kept her living independently. But in my experience ( as a hca) once a person starts falling frequently, it's a slippery slope.
Currently she is walking with a zimmer under the supervision of physiotherapist or nurses. The carers are transporting her to the bathroom on a sara-steady ( commonly used in hospitals and nursing homes) and otherwise she is pushed in a wheelchair. Unfortunately my mother needs constant supervision because she forgets she can't walk, so she will try to do it, and fall.
It does depend on what point of frailty and/or confusion a person has reached, but it's really not straightforward at all!

Agreed. Nothing will stop her from falling. Not downstairs bathrooms, not chair lifts, nor beds in sitting rooms.

When elderly people get weak, their legs don’t hold them, they get postural hypotension and positional vertigo - they fall when they stand up, their eyesight is poor so they can’t see level changes or objects on the floor etc.

One of my relatives had several falls in a bungalow.

The only thing that will stop her falling now is care. She needs to be monitored 24/7.

If money isn't an issue, can you install a downstairs bathroom for her so that she can live downstairs? That might be a halfway house before she has to move out of home.

It doesn't seem harsh to me. It might have done before I was in the position navigating my relative's behaviour and Social Work quite happy to let my health deteriorate in the meantime because I was clueless about the system. But having been in the position, I try and gently tell people to not end up in the position I did. Agencies will not change but will manipulate you into doing things that will make your or your DH's health deteriorate. To repeat an earlier post, your health (and your DH's) are as important an your elderly relative's. I wish someone had told me this when my health was deteriorating because I was being forced to do caring I was not able to do

see if you can arrange a bed for the sitting room.
I am sorry but this won't work. She will still fall. I did this with my mother the bed was down for a week had another fall ended up in hospital again. The hospital decided she was no longer safe to go home and had to go to a residential home. Is this an option.

I’ve said this before, and it sounds harsh but it’s true (been there). Your DH needs to stop doing what he’s doing. She has capacity (totally different if she didn’t), and she is making her choices which she is entitled to make. He needs to step back and let what will be, be. Or he continues, which is his choice - but in which case nothing will change (apart from his own health declining further), because his mother, and the agencies involved will not change.

You don't seem critical to me, more like realistic. I wish you very well

There really is no need for your mother in law to keep falling.

I'm old and frail, the third time I fell I decided enough was enough. I have a chair lift three rollators (like a Zimmer frame on wheels), one downstairs, one upstairs and one for outside. A walk in shower with a shower chair and other aids.

I never ever try to walk without a rollator because the chances are I will fall. The NHS is stretched enough without looking after people who don't help themselves.

I'm sorry that, reading this post back, I seem pretty critical. I don't mean this post as a direct criticism of your mother in law, but I admit to getting frustrated when people won't help themselves. I guess I just don't understand that type of mentally.

Grab a coffee in the cockroach cafe ☕️

You have encapsulated the problem, and thank you. You don't know how the system works. Most, or at least very many, don't know how the system works when their elderly relative is in need of help. This means Social Workers can manipulate the middle aged people and they end up driving 500 miles to help their parent when Social Work dept are actually legally responsible. I was manipulated into providing care to my elderly relative I was not actually able to provide. I have never properly recovered and I don't think I will now. I worked in a responsible job for almost 40 years but the care system just about broke me . I hope you get advice and enforce your rights. You are as important as your elderly relative

How old is she? The stubbornness could be a sign of cognitive decline. Has she been assessed for that?

Is it possible to install a downstairs bathroom, & put a bed somewhere?

Moan away, it sounds really difficult. DH can't be driving up every time.