MIL constantly falling - we are at our wits end

You can’t take away peoples right to make decisions, but if their decisions are unwise, especially if they are unsafe, you can intervene to support them to make better ones. Why do need a fireman to tell you DF a risk to himself and others?

I think there is too much farming out of responsibility to over stretched services -social services, GPs, hospitals, occupational health, fire - because offspring are unwilling or afraid to take charge of the situation. That can be done respectfully.

My mother had SOO many falls in the last 5 years of her life. She had quite a few in the years before that. She was finally unable to go home when she broke her pelvis , cossing the road with her walker after going for lunch with her sister in law (also quite frail)

It was a very very stressful time but she often didn't tell me. I remember calling her once for my usual update call and she said she was fine and chatted away . A couple of hours later I got a call from my sister that mum was in hospital with a broken wrist. When I had called her, she was sitting waiting for the ambulance that was coming after she had fallen and called 999 for help

We spent so much time nagging her to be more careful that she just lied about falling if she could get away with it

I wish I could tell you what to do, it was a very very difficult time though

Just to be clear, I didn't say people should move at 70 ( that was another poster) What I did say was that we should all take responsibility for our own ageing, and I used my mother as an example of that working well for her. So i think we are broadly in agreement 😊

@FeralNun this thread has been brilliant. I love a good thread with robust debate - which frankly many of us cannot have in real life with family members. It helps hearing other people’s experiences, clinical staff experiences. It is hard being strong and saying ‘I cannot commit to that amount of care’. But it is sensible advice.

I had a call today from Dad’s home. They are bloody amazing. Call starts with ‘Hi BlueLegume, absolutely nothing to worry about’ …..then update on what had happened as a courtesy then update on a funny thing Dad had then done.

Some of the system is broken. Some of it is utterly amazing as are the angels who staff it.

Stairlift and domicillary carers?

My PIL did this and it was a fantastic decision for them.
Im only in my 50's but as a HCA Ive seen how the responsibility can be placed onto DC and I never want to be that person

Moving house is always a big step and it becomes bigger and more intimidating the older someone is. And often they leave it too late, then get to that point at 75+ or 80+ when things can start to deteriorate rapidly, it becomes harder to get out (eg have to stop driving but house requires car use) and if they do end up moving it requires a lot of assistance and it's harder to build a new social life in the new location.

I know you're trying to be helpful. To give you some insight, I did become my father's carer. It was a debilitating experience for me. He had mixed dementia, didn't live nearby and I had to take bus and 2 trains to go to him. Until he was deemed to have lost capacity, it was his decision to stay in his own home. Was it a good decision - no, I don't think it was but you can't take away people's right to make decisions about their own lives while they are still deemed to have capacity, even if you think the decisions are unwise. My father did go into a Care Home when a Fire Risk Assessment was done by a firefighter and he was deemed a risk to himself and other residents in the tenement he lived in. This was not long after his Consultant said he had lost capacity. This experience did not teach me that I had to move into a bungalow when I hopefully get to 70. It taught me that my decisions are mine to make but I need to live with the consequences of these and not foist them on to my children

Encourage your DH to check out care homes near you as well as in MIL’s area. She would be so much easier to visit nearby and you can keep much better tabs in her care. (Where are the rest of the family?)

The elderly relatives I had who went into care homes near their old homes - their friends didn’t actually visit much nor did they visit old haunts much so they might as well have been nearer their families.

In 20-30 years the number of people with dementia is predicted to increase - from around 980,000 now to 1.4 million by 2040.

A heavier population is not a plus - the increase of overwieght/obesity is causing a rise in illness across the board.

Obesity is actually a risk factor for dementia, and many of the illnesses that obesity causes also cause dementia - diabetes, high bp, cardiovascular disease etc.

@pikkumyy77i still don’t understand. Surely it’s better to be near the bathroom than the kitchen? Even if it’s just easier to empty a commode. My mum was never going to use the kitchen again but she certainly needed bathroom facilities

I'm sorry your mil has had such a scare @FeralNun but grateful that you and DH have time to breathe, and consider this, while she's safely tucked up and being looked after.
This really is an excellent and supportive thread, on a supportive board. Even when there is robust discussion there is solidarity and understanding.

I look forward to the update!

Best wishes for all of you!

When the falls are this frequent, with accompanying hospital admissions, statistics show that MIL is on a rapidly downhill trajectory now with regards to prognosis.

Because often people want access to the kitchen to prepare food or to open the front door, or other rooms in the house.

It's so tricky. I just pray I'm not selfish for my children's sakes. Your DH needs to put in boundaries quickly and get care in place.

She can pay for carers. Your DH can't keep driving that far. He must be exhausted. What if he falls asleep at the wheel? If he can't make that decision, then he needs to talk it through with a counsellor, to learn to give himself permission not to half kill himself in the process.

I am very grateful to all OTs. Ours have been points of sanity amidst the chaos. Thank you 💐

They suggest this so she can move downstairs and be near the kitchen.

I'm sorry, I stand by that comment. He isn't helping by not making it clear to her that he isn't an option for her care. It's not fair on her, on him or on you.

I've been where you are. It isn't easy to make it clear what your limits are, but it's vital.

I'm an OT 🥰

Forgot to add the post i was agreeing with!

Agree with all this. We have found in the rehabilitation unit, the staff - particularly occupational therapists- are very good at understanding just how well or otherwise the patients understand the consequences of whatever decisions they make. So my mum retains capacity, and she could say she wants to go home. The OT established that she did not really understand that she will not be back to how she was before when she is discharged. The fact that @FeralNun mother in law is in ( or going to?) rehab is really helpful. Hopefully like us, there will be meetings regarding her discharge where you can say how much care you will be able to provide. Then they will make recommendations based on that, and what mental capacity she is deemed to have.

A spell in rehab will involve a planned discharge at the end, where MIL will have support from the team in figuring out what her 'home' options are. This is your chance to say what level of support you and DH are able to offer. You should be open and honest about this, as agreeing to a plan that you can't sustain is unhelpful to everyone, not least MIL

Bottom line though is that if she has capacity, she can make what you and DH might consider an unwise decision to go home with minimal support. Adults make unwise decisions all the time, often with unfortunate consequences