Pressure of expectations

Another idea is maybe framing it differently. When they say you should be visiting every weekend and doing more, then sigh and say "I wish i didn't have to work full time at my age, so I could do more for you. Let's keep our fingers crossed I win the lottery."

Say this each and every time they mention you doing more, hopefully becoming a broken record will encourage them to move to other topics.

I am not there but how about writing a list for every request - writing the solution and leaving it pinned to their wall or fridge? With ‘have a think’…..

sounds like a daily visit from their DGC, a monthly one from you plus the church help then they have a lot of support. You need to protect yourself

When my MIL was in her 50s!! She just got it into her head that DH needed to come home (4 hours) constantly.
Over the years it got worse and worse. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t pop up to go the shops for her, visit after work, refused to understand he had a job and children himself and wasn’t just available.
Then FIL died and it got worse. I think literally it was like the youngest child should be at home for life, not to do anything in particular, just ‘there’ to pop to the shop or do small tasks or watch TV with her. She suggested her pension was enough for them both to live off so he could move home, ignoring we had a mortgage (and a life).
She also would do nothing to help herself. Her and FILs parents had lots of children each so there were always their children and wives popping in and out multiple times a day, so nobody had the full responsibility. I think she expected that, but she had 2 children, not 8!

What was their response to you as a child if you said "I want..."?!

I hear you, same here...but bigger distance. I have started to organise carers, but they hate and fire each single one of them. I do online shopping that is never right.
It is bleeding my finances and my heart.
" I want" is their choiceof words.
It is heartbreaking.

They have activities, a DGC that visits daily and a DD that visits monthly.
I would really call them up on it, each and every time. "When you say step up DF what do you want me to do ? I work full time and you live three hours away.
You are getting daily visits from DGC, should I ask them to do different things from what they are currently doing ?"

I have been there with the cleaner too, although my DPs are a lot more self sufficient and never complain. I established from DM that she apparently doesn't want me to do their cleaning ( just as well really what with me working full time and living an hour away), but even though I filled in the forms with her to get full attendance allowance so she would have no excuse not to get one, she stonewalls me when I raise the topic and starts talking about how DF doesn't help (91, frail and with mild dementia).

If your parents are regular church goers then they have an automatic network of helpers available to them, they are choosing not to use it and moan at you.

My DM is in a similar situation but has had a cleaner for a long time. If something needs carrying upstairs it waits until the cleaner is there. If she has simple DIY jobs need doing, cleaner's husband does it. She's loaned her garden to someone at church. Similarly church friends come round frequently and are very happy to take her to the shops.

The whole load is spread round a large number of people so no-one is getting fed up.

I think you need to be clear with your parents that you work, live 3 hours away and so there is a realistic limit on what you can do to help.

My mum moved closer to us so I could help but in a casual chat the other day about retirement was utterly shocks about the age of state pension being 67.

I don't think some older generations realise we will be working until they are in their potential 90s, so that gap and buffer for us is now gone, no option to semi retire or go part time to help.

Although I would want nothing more right now than to retire at 50, and spend more time with mum, it's not going to happen until the mortgage is paid off.

You sound lovely OP but maybe they don't realise you need to work, or like working and feel you can drop everything for them?

I get so very angry when I read threads on here where elderly parents will not help themselves.

I'm old and frail. There's a lot I cannot do for myself. But I've got every aid known to humankind. Chair lift, rollators, walk in shower, cleaner, someone to do my ironing ect.

That's my contribution now. When I was fitter I didn't need these things, but I also didn't need my adult child and their partners support. I hope they can see I do (or pay for) as much as I can. So (I hope) they don't feel I take advantage of their good nature.

Honestly, if your parents arent willing to help themselves (by getting cleaner or having others in to help them) I see no reason why you should up root your life to help them.

No self respecting adult should choose to have others, family or not, help them, unpaid, if there are other ways of achieving the same outcome

They obviously need carers coming in to help.

The best response is one that gives them the problem back to solve.

Sounds tricky mum, what do you think you could do about that?

Don't offer solutions at all, just keep getting them to solve it

Could you work on the nearby extended family to extol the virtues of paid help/carers/cleaners... without mentioning your name?
They might take it from someone other than you?
At least let said extended family know about the pressure being exerted on yourself.

Oh and stay strong.. there is no reason why you have to run yourself into the ground when they wont help themselves!!

OP my parents basically abandoned us with no notice when I phoned them and asked nicely why our first baby had dried blood on his head after they were watching him. Far too many instances of them being aggressive and uncaring. However when they got old my dad said “your mother needs help”. They refused carers offered after a hospital visit as “we are not at that stage yet”. They also told me they would make some arrangements with me! It’s par for the course with many elderly parents. Did your parents do any caregiving for their parents? Mine refused to as “we have our own life to lead”. The only advice I can give you is to see it a bit detached as if it a friends parents. You are entitled to your own life, the same as they had at your age. What were they doing in their 60s? Tell them they have to move closer if they want help and you have offered a solution (on repeat). It’s not easy but you didn’t make them old. Agingcare forum is excellent for these issues, it’s an American site but the same issues and there are some really forthright posters on there who are worth a read. I’ve also found out either on here or there that there’s a service called Driving Miss Daisy. It might be of use as well to take your parents to hospital appts etc and stay with them during the consultation. They will also take them round shops or day trips with their friends. Not something my parents would have wanted as there was always me and I’m cheaper! But if they actually want to keep their independence and have the money it’s worth a try. Set your boundaries and don’t move from them or it will take over your life. You’ve given solutions it’s up to them and they have to live with the decisions they make.

Essentially, DParents expect you to give them absolute priority. Their view is that their life trumps yours. They have held this position for 60 years. You are their Elderly Care Insurance policy and they have decided to cash it in.

You are right. You have to define your response. Set up a new mantra, learn stock responses. Every contributed post here offers a golden nugget of advice. Personally, I'd go through this thread line by line. Take confidence from the replies and let them empower you. DParents can bring in external paid-for-by-them contractors. You can probably spend the same time as you do now, but be more effective and assertive.

If you are an only child brace yourself because ultimately it is all going to fall on your shoulders. However, there is hope. Get your parents to accept local help through a carer, cleaner, contact local medical transport and try to contact your local social worker to see what she can advise to be put in place. Don't let yourself be side tracked by their refusing. If they can afford it, then needs must. If you don't put measures in place and you are in your 60s you will suffer burn out which takes years to recover from. You may need to develop teeth both to your parents and the medical agents involved. Don't allow yourself to brow beaten as you need to survive as well. How do I know?! Been there and done that!

You perhaps need companion carers to do what you do now. Go in have a chat do a few chores maybe take them for a drive shopping etc. You could find self employed ones with ( with DBS check and maybe references) and then it will always be the same person / people
You’re in your 60s three hours away and working it’s difficult to imagine how you can do more than one weekend a month without compromising your own well being

I think it's quite common for them to have expectations from daughters (particularly) that is assumed and doesn't take into account differing circumstances now - people having children later, needing two incomes to pay for housing, women having careers rather than pin money jobs, often living further away from parents, retirement age going up.

Going back a generation or two in my family often one daughter didn't marry (there was one who was denied permission because she was expected to care for parents) and then gave up work (or retired at 50) to care for parents as they aged. But was then provided for by brothers and inherited a chunk of the house in the end. But that made that daughter very very vulnerable and would be impossible now with retirement age going up, no more final salary pensions etc.

Similar here, stepfather demanding we come and sort out shopping, laundry, garden, hospital visits etc (300+ mile round trip) as Dm can't manage any more. All things he can do or arrange locally. I suggested I do an online shop if they tell me what they need, but they wouldn't accept this and only a visit will do. Every solution is met with a problem and "won't work because" (because you don't want it to you prat). I cannot stand the man and DM is pretty argumentative and unpleasant already. They've sat back and watched me struggle over the years with no interest in helping, now they expect me to drop everything.

It's caused a massive amount of stress and friction, my DH is sick of it, I'm sick of it (literally sick with stress). I feel guilty but at the same time I resent them, I dislike both of them and I work 60+ hours p/w and am shattered already, everything has to be on their terms and there's no acknowledgment that there is any demand on my time.

No solutions but I hear ya :(

Well you have my sympathy @Barney16

They sound similar to my in laws who constantly try to make my SIL feel guilty ( she is the sibling that lives closest plus female so bears the brunt of their expectations). This is despite the fact they didn’t do much to help their own parents as they grew elderly 🤷🏼‍♀️