Pressure of expectations

Barney16

The only child situation does not help as the issues/responsibilities cannot be shared

Alibabandthe40sheets

Your post us very true

My parents treat like their PA despite having a tricky childhood with them, every time I see them there is something else ☹️

A point of view I found helpful is to consider what my expectations would be if a respected male colleague was in the same situation. Helps me sort out in my head whether I'm being sensible/a martyr/a bit too hardheaded.

They live in another country, little can be done. But thanks for your kind words.

Someone had mentioned Attendance Allowance. My health is not too good now and Age UK helped me to fill in the application which was granted at the full rate (just over £100 per week). I took on a cleaner who was fantastic the first time she came but then went downhill spending a lot of time on her phone. We are managing for now but I will try to find another cleaner if we are struggling too much. We will need a gardener next year.
My two daughters live too far away to help but I know that one of them feels very guilty about it. She is a busy mum working full time so I do not want to add to her worries.

This is very common. From family experience and talking to family members who are nurses and see it all the time. Some people, as they age, feel that they are entitled to have their children as their carers irrespective of any past family dynamics or other responsibilities that their children might have. It is almost as if they develop a mental block to realising that the people they expect carry out their wishes are individuals with their own responsibilities and needs.

You need to steel yourself towards these expectations @Barney16 for your own wellbeing. Feel the emotions of guilt and shame that they bring up and remember that you can choose how to respond to those emotions. You don’t have to respond to them by doing exactly what you parents ask, you can choose not to absorb their negative emotions and you can choose to do what you can reasonably manage.

Sounds like it’s attention they want rather than help.
DGC already goes in everyday, they have an active social life…it’s not help they are after

Apologies @Possiblynotever my reply was a bit brutal. I'd be tempted to talk to their Council's Social work team if you believe your DM to be vulnerable / needing safeguarded. They might get the measure of your DF very quickly. Maybe it would be worthwhile to start your own thread as other posters will have valuable advice?
OP, you have found your voice! Your positive updates mean your DParents may have to think before they speak/ demand.

Agree that offering to source carers might be a solution but they already have the support of the church and one of the OP's adult DC. They just seem very unwilling to source any real help for themselves.

Im sorry OP but your parents sounds bloody selfish. They shouldn’t be fine with becoming a burden to you. Id shut down any expectations asap and offer to help them find carers etc but thats it.

No. SHE doesn’t need to arrange anything. THEY need to arrange it. She can if she wants to, but she doesn’t NEED to 🙄🙄🙄

The death of my DM is what I truly want to avoid

I can only beng to imagine how hard it must be to sit back knowing that your DM is unwell. Adults don't always make the right choices and it's hard to watch, especially when it's your DM

The death of my DM is what I truly want to avoid

Me too. That's a lot to cope with.

I also wondered about the DGC.

I feel a bit sorry for the DGC has anyone spoken to them about these daily visits and whether that is Ok with them?

@Possiblynotever That sounds very hard but in those circumstances distance is your friend. Your DF sounds vile. Messing carers around and being difficult is incredibly common. Eventually though, an almighty crisis will happen and then he will tolerate them. The almighty crisis might be the death of your DM
Look after yourself.

people don’t tend to whinge to me repeatedly as I am hard arsed bitch who says ‘so what are you going to do about it?’. That includes my parents, they whinge to my sisters instead

I prefer to call myself "a fixer"

OP: I do not manage.
The more I try, the less effective I am.
I have found an agency that finds staff, and they mess them around all the time.
My DF is complicated. He has had a very, very powerful job, for a very long time. He is highly trained to boss people around and is highly effective at doing it.
He is a master at using psychological violence.
He was a military since a very young age, and he was very effective in his job. I am probably one of the few people who can withstand him.
My DM plays victim all the time: it's not me, it's him, but I cannot do anything about it as otherwise he turns against me...She serves him all the time ( he has some health issues), and then she is exhausted.
I have offered her to stay with me for some time, to get better...but she is of the generation who thinks it is her duty to stay with him.
It is a very complex situation. I am currently leaving them to their own decisions and looking at it from afar...

Sounds good @Barney16 ! Every time throw it back ‘what are you going to do about it?’ ‘Nothing? Mustn’t grumble then’.

Extra brownie points if you use one of their phrases back to them.

then write Hip = Doctors and stick it on the fridge.

people don’t tend to whinge to me repeatedly as I am hard arsed bitch who says ‘so what are you going to do about it?’. That includes my parents, they whinge to my sisters instead.

Great thread!

@Barney16 it's difficult to say. Day by day, it's the chair lift. But the rolators keep me from falling. I couldn't shower without my walk in shower and chair. And my cleaner makes me feel comfortable in my own home. What price can you put on that?

each and every aid does just what it says on the tin. It aids.

I guess it depends on the level and type of an old persons inability to handle it alone. And also what is important to them.

Just a major 👏 for turning that conversation in a new direction @Barney16. Apart from anything else, waiting until the last possible minute for a hip replacement may not be the best strategy anyway.

Just beware the post- surgery rehab phase...