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Elderly parents
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Elderly Parents, Terminal Illness & Long Distance Care

31 replies

lookingfortheadult · 17/11/2024 20:46

Hoping to hear others in a similar situation for advice!

My parents are early 70s but with some
major health issues. My dad has early onset Alzheimer's and my mum has cancer which is terminal. Mum is doing okay for now and primary carer for dad but when she is ill, everything goes downhill.

Our parents live 2.5 hours from both my sister and I, we both work full time and between us we have 5 kids under 6.

My question is if you've been in a similar situation, have you found a way to survive this? Even if they wanted to move, it's not possible due to house prices and mum has been adamant that she doesn't want to be in any kind of care or have carers when she's ill. I've asked her what she sees as a solution but she gets upset and says "I don't know" on repeat. My instinct is that she subconsciously wants it to be me or my sister as full time carers but I can't see how we can do this without entirely upending our lives. Last time she had major surgery she and dad moved in with my family for six weeks but it was very difficult and not a long term solution.

I have no idea how we will survive when she deteriorates (and it is a when). Has anyone found a way of doing this? I hear so many stories of people who are present with their parents when ill/dying and I don't see how we can do that.

Hoping there is a solution I haven't thought of!

OP posts:
KeyKnowledge · 17/11/2024 21:31

I moved 600 miles to be with her. I would not make that same decision again. If you can find the money, buy in care.

cestlavielife · 17/11/2024 21:29

They need to buy in care. Sell.it to them. It s OK to have domestic help.

notanaturalmum · 17/11/2024 21:21

I second what @ByQuaintAzureWasp says. Start the drop in carers now so your parents are used to them.

I am similar to you although only an hour away and perhaps a year or two further on from you.
Realistically i can only visit one day a week but my parents have very kind neighbours and someone is there every day.
Do they have neighbours? Or weekly cleaners?
Anybody who you can trust?
I've got access to the ring doorbell so I can check if they don't answer the door.
they also both wear a bracelet with a panic button - which links to another care provider who will send someone round if needed.
There's lots of options for this phase. The next phase will be more tricky.
Presume you've sorted POA out too.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/11/2024 21:10

I would start by getting care in now, just an hour a day x 5 days ... so you can find the right company before the situation becomes desperate. The other option is sell their home and move near to you and your sister .. though they will still need care if you are both working. Good luck.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/11/2024 21:04

Your parents will need to buy in care and you need to have the conversation sooner rather than later. Neither you nor your sister can do it even if you wanted to, make sure your parents know this. You have lives, jobs, you are not living close by, you have young children who need you. They just can’t put their heads in the sand on this, the more you organise now the better. Start the conversation, and keep raising it, I know it’s tough I’ve been there. Look into it for them, give them choices and options, but make sure they know you and your sister can’t and won’t do it. We moved my mum into a sheltered flat first, then she went into a Home - it wasn’t easy but it was the right thing to do, none of us could have had her to stay due to location, jobs, unsuitable housing for her, etc.

Miley1967 · 17/11/2024 20:58

I think the only thing you can do is for your parents to buy in care when it's needed. When your dad is left on his own, you will need to move him closer to you. It must be so hard with young children involved as it's not even as though you could ask for an extended period of time off work and move to them temporarily. Sorry there's no easy answers. Just make sure your mum uses local support networks, asks the local authority to do a carers assessment for her etc so that she can get respite care for your dad etc. Make sure they are claiming any disability benefits available to them ( Attendance Allowance) so that that extra money can be used to buy in care.