Peace at last but feel guilty

Hi,

I'm in exactly the same boat. My dad had dementia and lived in residential care for over a decade and finally passed away yesterday. He's been 'gone' for so long that even his teen grandchildren have no real memories of him as a person.

I mainly feel frustrated that because he died at a weekend, I can't do anything practical.
I'm also worried about being judged by others for appearing not to care, but I've been grieving for 10 years and I'm mostly just relieved that it's over. I'm planning to delay telling my boss so I can crack on at work tomorrow to get some stuff finished that can't hang around because I think I'll be told I need to take leave...

It's really hard when you've already lost them to them have to lose them again publically.

I feel for you.

Sorry about your Mum.

You do sound a loving son. It’s heart wrenching watching a frail parent suffer the odd of the other.

She had a loving son, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

You've probably already done most of your grieving while she was alive and gone through all the classic stages, and this is 'acceptance', if that makes sense. I'm assuming she had dementia/depression, and dementia is a terminal illness OP, a physical disease of the brain. It doesn't make you a terrible person to wish for release for a person suffering in this way. 💐

I know how you feel about just wanting it to be over. I got through a horrible year of bereavement by counting down the days to the end of that December. Taking down the old calendar and putting up the new one felt very cathartic.

You've been through some very tough years, and reading between the lines, it seems you're the one who had to make tough decisions where no option was without negatives. That kind of experience can seriously deplete your energy. You only realise how much it has taken out of you when you're able to stand still and take a breath, which is what's happening now.

Be kind to yourself, and patient. There are no "good", "proper", or "bad" feelings. Grief is a rollercoaster.

Funerals are tough - I would have given almost anything not to attend my dad's funeral - but so far I have nearly always felt better afterwards. I really hope you find the same. Is it all planned now?

My mum has been in a home for 3 years. I know what you mean about the dreary guilt. She nearly died last winter and my feelings were extreme, a longing for it to be over along with chaotic grief, and a terror above all that she would recover, which she then did. I'm assured by others that memories of the better times will revive after it's over. I can only hope so.

After a previous bereavement I had counselling which I'd really recommend.

“Just roll along through them”

This is good. Kind of, accept the good and the bad feelings, it will all come and just try to let it wash over you somewhat.

Sorry about your mum OP, but pp is right. You will go through so many emotions when dealing with grief, all valid in helping you to digest it. Just roll along through them, how you feel is how you feel at that time. Hope things get better for you, take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry OP. Any feelings are normal when you're grieving, and guilt is very very normal indeed. But I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you carrying that around with you.

You can post wherever you want, but here is dadsnet because you mentioned it -

www.mumsnet.com/talk/dadsnet

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum, OP. But please don’t feel guilty about anything. I’m sure your mum had certain health or mobility needs that made her living in a Care Home somewhat inevitable. Lots of people live in them when they get older, it’s not a dumping ground, it’s a home which enables them to be looked after in a suitable way.

I can’t suggest any resources for you, but I have had some counselling sessions in the past. If you feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with your feelings (or indeed with your lack of feelings) then give it some consideration. You must be a mix of emotions right now, which is entirely normal and to be expected.

You said you’re dreading the funeral but want to do the right thing, if your mum left some wishes you can follow those. If she didn’t you can take guidance from the professionals. There’s no right or wrong way to do a funeral, or indeed a direct cremation if that’s what you/she prefer.

Accept any offers of help and don’t push yourself too much.

And I’m sure the people on this board will be able to give you more specific advice but I wanted to acknowledge your feelings.

Hugs can't imagine how hard that is. HUGS

Sorry to read about your mum. She is at peace. You need time to process everything. It's natural to feel all over the place. Try to get some sleep, have something to eat in the morning, and be kind to yourself. You have nothing to be guilty about. Big hugs OP x