Peace at last but feel guilty

I'm glad you got through the day okay. I think the grief is said to ebb and flow, I'm sure you'll have good and bad days to come, but that is normal and you'll get through them.

And you're right to not feel bad for ensuring your mum was in the best place for her, which was a nursing home where the staff were well trained and were able to care for her as she needed to be cared for.

I'm glad you've found some relief and kindness on this thread too.

It will go well, OP. The funeral people who attend in their professional capacity will guide you through. I remember your previous posts. Stay strong.

When my Dad passed from alzheimer's I felt relieved, he hated how he was living, and the last few weeks were awful. When Mum passed a few years later it gave me comfort to imagine them together.
With time it does get easier, be kind to yourself.
For the family issues at the funeral, I'd try to not let it get to you - let them be as unpleasant as they want - just focus on looking after yourself

Funerals are a minefield of emotion for everyone involved. Even though they are behaving badly don't fall out with your B and SIL. People are not at their best and still want to think that they are contributing to the service in a way they think of as appropriate. Not worth falling out over a hymn!
The funeral is the formal part of grieving , a public ceremony to honour your mother. However afterwards you can grieve in your way that is meaningful to you and you alone. If Irish Catholic you can have a Mass said in months time where perhaps you can choose everything. Or mark it some other way .

Ideally we would all die peacefully in our beds . But that is not reality and it will come to us all. The phenomenon of living longer leads to many more people needing residential care . Unfortunately longer lives do not necessarily have great quality lives . Your mother in her rational thoughts would have known that you tried to do your best. It is not as distressing as you think as we are looking at it from a different viewpoint . Many people in homes are glad to feel safe and taken care of, not alone although they may be unable to express it .

@Lovingson genuinely do not understand why your wife is getting involved? her only job at the moment is to support you, her husband, because you are one who has lost his mother. it isnt her mother! at least you get to be involved! I did not get a say at all in my mothers funeral. neither me nor my younger sis were even allowed in the funeral car! big sis took charge and had her son, son's wife, daughter, daughter's son, and daughter's friend in the car??

So sorry for your loss @Lovingson it is a very difficult time for you. Loads of different emotions whirling around and it is hard enough dealing with your own without trying to deal with other people’s. Just mind yourself, it is a huge loss, even if you were grieving before now. Tomorrow is just a ditch full of thorns and you have to walk through then, whether you tip toe or run through it is going to hurt, just focus on what you can manage yourself and take regular —toilet— breaks to catch some air for yourself.

@AgnesX spot on. It’s abit like when you have a baby and everyone wants be there at the beginning. When you really need them is about 2 months later. Be strong

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Grief really is a roller coaster and can do peculiar things to people so you're right, rise above it tomorrow, put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. I liked that you said you would do your own 'funeral' for you mum at a later date - that is such a good idea.

So sorry to hear about your mum. It'll take a wee while to make your peace with it but it will happen.

If your family are going to be difficult or performative mourners just step well back. It's fair to say that people do find comfort in the ceremony of religion and the words. When everything settles down that's when your family will need you, and maybe the other way round.

In all honesty, you feel how you feel. My dad died 6 months after my mum and it was a relief, I was his carer after we lost her and it was painful and difficult. Doesn't mean 2 years later I don't miss him, and wish things had been different.

Both my parents are gone, DF 30 years ago, DM 10.Both at good ages after years of needing increasing amounts of care, and worrying and all the rest. I didn’t (really) begrudge it, but certainly could have done without a lot of the constant worry and ‘stuff’ that took me away from career and my DH and my kids. One can only do the best one can in the circumstances given, no more, no guilt.

@Lovingson sorry for your loss 💐, both ways from years of decline to recent events. You will ‘get through’ tomorrow because you are a reasonable adult and will act with dignity despite your grief. You will ‘get through’ the next days, weeks, months, years because of the same.
You just keep reminding yourself that you did the best you could do in the circumstances you were faced with, and there is no reason to feel guilt. You will get there. (((Hug from a stranger)))

@Orphanannie68 💐 Sorry for your loss. (((Hug from a stranger)))

My mum 'left' about 5 months before she actually died and it was horrible. Although I was dreading the funeral, it was actually really helpful and I did feel some kind of peace and relief after. Commiserations on your loss.

@olderbutwiser great post. I am sort of a similar mindset. I had a really lovely day with my Dad just weeks before he got really ill and then had to be admitted to nursing care. That is what I remember.

@Lovingson we all hear you. We are all behind you and tomorrow will be over before you know it. Present the best version of yourself. Shake your brothers hand and know you have an army of us quietly behind you.

Your last post really sat with me. I absolutely respect anyone with ‘faith’ but goodness me it is divisive.

I do think those of us of a certain age 70s/80s children we have had an eye opener about ‘the church’. If you can put all that aside for now Father Murphy had been brainwashed to sell his own religious beliefs-to make loads of people scared that if they didn’t behave a certain way they would ‘rot in Hell’. I can’t wait it - sounds a riot. Gallows humour I know.

I wont preach ( I just did!!) but if you can stay off the booze today and tomorrow. It’s a Catholic/Irish mess up when you need a clear head and to be able to look back on tomorrow without regrets. Booze will mess with that. Tough as it is try and steer clear - the maudlin crap it brings out is just that. you know the truth. Tomorrow is the start of the rest of you life. Take care

Other than weddings, funerals are the occasion most liable to bring out the bad behaviour in families. I hope you get what you need, OP. All feelings are normal and valid at this time, including feeling relieved, angry, hyper and even weirdly elated. You’re absorbing bit by bit the loss of your mum and that’s hard. Keep posting if it helps.

DHs father had dementia; some months ago when someone was a bit shocked by DHs attitude DH said “my dad died years ago”. He grieved as FIL declined. I am sorry for your loss, but whatever you are feeling is OK.

My condolences op, I lost my mum a fortnight ago. Get the formalities over, hold it together and get through it - I hope it goes as well as these things can. Then you can get on with grieving. It’s a strange time - I am finding it harder than I expected (my mum had advanced dementia, could do nothing for herself and really it was a relief and a blessing), this realisation you are actually now parentless, and that chapter is over. Take care, be kind to yourself, and take each day as it comes.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I cared for my late DM along with my two siblings. I still think what if she had come to live with me? Even though I know with her health issues it would have been impossible. In the end she needed more care than any of us could give.
This was also the case with your Mum and you did your absolute best by the sounds of it. You were a loving son.
One of my siblings virtually had a nervous breakdown because of our situation. My siblings fell out with each other because of the strain of caring and I had to act as peacemaker. You just need to get through the funeral as best you can tomorrow.
My mother left instructions on everything she wanted for her funeral but there were still squabbles. It was the heightened emotions due to the bereavement that contributed to the arguments. We all get along fine now.
As others have said be kind to yourself and of course post here if you wish. I know some on MN can be harsh but I have had a lot of kindness on here also.

Condolences. A parent dying does weird things to your emotions. Everything surfaces in time. I found just letting them roll through and acknowledging the emotion without necessarily working out why you were feeling it was a good coping strategy.

You may find feelings about your father surfacing too, now you no longer have to worry about your mother.

Before the funeral is a weird time of limbo too, so much to organise. Afterwards there'll be plenty of time for reflection. Go easy on yourself. You've been through a few years of turmoil. Take the time to process it all and come to terms with it. 💐

It will soon be over - try to get through the best you can. Your emotions may be all over the place for a while - try not to let your family wind you up any more than they have done.

@Lovingson hope it goes well.

As for fractures in families I cannot fathom why people do not want to keep it uncomplicated and just work together. I get we all experience life differently but when relatives make it a competition to who appears to ‘care’ the most etc it is ridiculous. Hopefully things will start to pick up for you once everything settles.

Rather than packing a bag can you just decide to be dignified and rise above any silliness by just not rising to any bait which will inevitably occur?

We don’t all need to ‘perform’ our grief we can be quiet, humble, reserved, have a little humour. Some people seem to NEED to show angst etc. I am quite unemotional in public and I have been judged to ‘not care enough’ when actually behind the scenes I am desperate to sort a situation.

Stay strong and do let us know how you are doing after tomorrow. There is no right or wrong way.

I think I understand what you mean about your mum dying twice. After losing her life partner, Covid and then the home, it must feel like you have both been in limbo. Deep down you want them reunited with the loved one but feel guilty about even thinking it.

All you can do now is try to live your best life without her. You have a difficult road ahead. I don’t believe that time heals but things definitely become more bearable. I really hope you find some comfort.