DFIL Has Dementia & DMIL Just Died

That is heart breaking, OP, and I am so sorry.

We had to tell my Dad (with dementia) that Mum had died...and every day he was looking for her and asking about her.

It is hard for your DH and BIL to lose a parent, but they have each other -they have to support each other through it as a team.

Just stop doing it. They’re not doing it because you are. It’s not your job, none of it was. All of this stress for you can stop- just don’t do it anymore.

Sorry for your loss, Op.
Going forward with lovely DFiL, now that you've told him once and he has learned about her death, every time he asks about DMiL just tell him that she is staying with her sister or off at the supermarket. Often a little white lie is the kindest way. This is what was advised by hospital staff when my DF died unexpectedly and DM was actually under section in the same hospital.

This is bringing back memories of handling my deceased great aunt’s house and furnishings and the utter emotional incontinence of her nephew when asked to go through some drawers. Hours later he had barely made it through some photos while I and a less closely related female cousin were powering through all the tasks we had accepted.

These self indulgent weepy prats need to get over themselves. Difficult tasks still need to get done!

Good.

I know DH and BIL should figure it out for themsleves but I would be tempted to you say you can’t do any of the organisation but you will help them sort the to do list and at the top needs to be sorting DFIL care. They need to find a care home which is suitable for him now and in the future, which will include end of life care.

What exactly do these two think will happen at the end of the four weeks? do they even care? shameful behaviour
My DP had to become the carer for his 92 yr GF as his fit and able father would not do more than a once a week 10 min visit( even though he lived on the same street)

They are grown adults they can do it now.
You done your bit.
Give them age concern helpline number

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, my in laws are/were also really lovely so I can totally understand why you felt you couldn't leave them. I spent a lot of time on the phone to my mother in law last year while my father in law was terminally ill although I am a long way from her with primary aged children and no local family so couldn't be there very much in person. In your situation though it sounds like your DFIL won't be aware of what is happening with the house or the funeral so it's ok to let those aspects go for the sons to sort out or not as they choose (unless you would personally find it helpful to choose readings or similar for the funeral for your own grief process). I wish you all the best.

It sounds like everything is sorted for the minute, inheritance is simple, DFIL is in the care home, obviously can't go home, so they will have to find a permanent place. DFIL owns the house and contents so no need to do anything urgently, except make sure it is insured if no one is living there.

Sit down with DH a BIL and tell them they are now in charge, you have done your bit, got it all on an even keel now it's up to them. Carry on visiting DFIL as a friend and because you like him, all the rest of it step back, they can cope, all the really important things are done DMIL is at peace, DFIL is being cared for everything else is up to the sons.

Stop! Just STOP doing everything for these pathetic men-children!!

Tell them that you have done everything you can or are willing to do, so over to them now. THEY step up for THEIR own parents just as you did for your mother. You can play a background supporting role if you wish, but FFS stop letting them take the piss.

None of us knew really how to organise funerals or care homes before the first time we were confronted with it, but we managed because we had to, as most people (women or men) do. There are funeral directors, vicars, priests, celebrants and registrars of births and deaths who can direct them. That's how most of us got on with it. There's also Google.

Just leave them to it. They'll soon realise that they will have to get the house sold when the care home begins asking when/how their fees are going to be paid (leave that to them too).

They will have to clear the house. Do not let DH just bring all the stuff back and cram it into your house. A few nice items each as memorabilia, but make them get a house clearance firm in for all the rest. That's something you might well have to hold firm on if you don't want to end up under an avalanche of stuff.

They can do it. They are just choosing not to because you are stepping up. Stop.

Tell them you can't cope either. Step back and leave them to do the rest. You have been more than patient with both DH and BiL. Hopefully FiL will be put into a good home and cared for well.

Step back and drop the reins op. They need to get on with it and they won’t if you keep doing it. This is not your responsibility. So stop

Hugs OP. You have done enough, and you have been saying for years that it needed to be dealt with.

what happens if you just stop, does it impact FIL at all?

Is FIL in a care home now? And do you have power of attorney for him? Did your MIL leave a will, and who is executor? Is the house jointly owned?

Because if FIL is now sole owner of the house and you don't have power of attorney but he doesn't have capacity to act on his own behalf, I am afraid you are in for a long, tedious and possibly expensive legal process to sort out the mess before you can do anything. And by 'you', I mean your DH and BIL, who really need to step up and take responsibility.

Your H and his brother have behaved disgracefully, leaving their elderly mother and you to struggle on when it should be them stepping up.
I'm sorry this would be relationship ending for me, he a disgrace and has been for several years by the sound of it.

@WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe your user name is very apt.

As long as you step up your DH and BIL will let you do it. It’s feigned incompetence to get out of doing something they don’t want to do. A 5 minute Google provides lots of links on what to do when someone dies, how to plan a funeral, suitable readings etc. There is no reason they can’t do this.

Not being available due to work or other reasons is your best tactic.

Your ILs have been very lucky that you married into their family. I understand that when it came to taking care of the actual people, you couldn't stand by, but now MIL is gone and FIL is safe and cared for, I think you step back and let them get on with it, or not get on with it, whatever they choose. They sound a remarkably pathetic pair of individuals, so I understand your annoyance completely, but I would nevertheless leave it completely up to them. Like all other adults, they will just have to cope.

I would also be thinking about your own future, because your useless husband is obviously not going to do anything.

You need to step back and leave them to it. It's an important part of the grieving process. I also reckon you'll get blamed for all sorts down the road if you do continue to organise things.

Does not bode well for you if you ever need care from your DH.

Echoing everyone else

Google a “what to do when someone dies” checklist, tick off all the things you have already done and send it to them saying you have done more than your share and it’s now over to them.

All this is only falling on you because you are doing it! Just say NO. It is not your job.

I admit I did the bulk of all this when my FIL died, but I did it happily and voluntarily because my OH was a very busy GP and I had more time. But if I had said no he would simply have got on with it.

My answer when an adult says they don't know what to do in this sort of situation is to tell them thank goodness for Google and leave them to it.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have done so much to honour your inlaws but, as others have said, it is time to step away and let your BIL and husband deal with it.

Losing a parent is incredibly painful and dealing with the house, possessions etc is mentally and physically gruelling. This cannot all land on your shoulders.

You’re a saint for putting up with lazy arse DH and BIL.

Where DFIL now? Is he in a care home?

Funeral director and vicar will hand hold them through planning the funeral and they have internet access. I would leave that but to them. If they haven’t even got a date for the funeral then it’s too early to sort the house. When’s it’s time I would suggest they take out the bits each want, use a charity which does house clearance (BHF) get an estate agents who does the viewing and use an estate agent who does all the viewings, solictor to do probabte.

They needs to start stepping up.