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Original poster

DFIL Has Dementia & DMIL Just Died

64 replies

WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe · 13/11/2024 14:10

I've name changed for this as I suppose this is really going to be a bit of a rant.
DFIL is 91 and has dementia and has deteriorated quite a lot in the last 3 months. He was at home with DMIL - who spent a lot of time moaning about it but would not accept help or support or consider a care home for him.
I noticed the signs about 5 years ago, but H, BIL and MIL would not hear it. They finally agreed to look into it 18months ago and he was quickly diagnosed. They would not activate the Power of Attorney either, saying they would do it when they felt it was time rather than getting everything in hand for when it was needed.
Over the last few months he has started wandering at night, became doubly incontinent and the sundowning was getting worse. Managed to convince MIL that he at least needed a morning carer to help get him up, showered and dressed.
This has continued until about 2 months ago when she finally decided she couldn't cope and wouldn't have extra carers in, so that left the only option being a care home - which was definitely the best option for DFIL.
During all this time, DH would not engage at all, BIL visited at weekends to take them out.Neither would take responsibility for making sure their parents were safe, secure and content. I work only 10 minutes away from them. DH works from home and is also 10 minutes away (we own our own business so going over was never an issue). The distress calls arrived every morning by 9.30am and neither of them would visit or help sort out their issues. As I couldn’t see them struggle that much it all fell to me.

They all finally agreed that DFIL probably needed to be cared for out of the home so a 28 day care home assessment was arranged for him. However, 1 day before this, MIL died suddenly at home. DFIL carer found her.

They have both basically abdicated all responsibility for dealing with any of this as they “cannot cope” with it. They would not even tell him that his wife of 60 years had died. I did this and whilst he now does not remember he did need to know at the time.
I have dealt with paramedics, coroner, funeral director, care home and told everyone who needed to know.I have booked the appointments to register the death and arrange the funeral with the funeral director and vicar.Today I have told them they must do this together and I will not be going with them – I actually do have to be at work that day which will be hard to rearrange. I just think that much as I loved her dearly she is not my parent and I do not want to do anymore and being in their mid-50s they both need to get on with it. All they say is they don’t know what to do (nor do I really as when my DM died she had sorted everything out beforehand).
The house also needs to be emptied and sold to fund DFILs care now. My H has flatly refused to get involved as he can’t cope and DBIL who is helping spent 5 hours going through one drawer (it was him who wanted to start the process) and the donkey work is again being left to me.

Thanks if you’ve read this far. I needed that rant. I love my ILs greatly, they accepted me totally into their family when I met DH, but I cannot and will not do it all for H and BIL (there is no “D” at the moment).

OP posts:
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PatchworkOwl · 14/11/2024 18:14

WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe · 13/11/2024 20:02

For me and DD he can't do enough, so no worries on that score. I'm just really disappointed in both of them burying their heads in the sand over their parents.

Words have been had with H and he is now on board. Has the tears and "I can't cope and don't want to accept it". I finally pointed out that he gave me no assistance when my DM died. And he's pulled himself together.

They both now know I am not going to register her death or sort the funeral arrangements. DMIL paid for a very basic cremation package but they want a church service so I am not getting involved in that. Particularly as me and the church do not get on.

Thanks for the kick up the bum and making me realise that what I was thinking was OK.

Well done, op.

You've done far more than your fair share. I think it shows the mutual love and respect there was between you and your ILs. But from this point on, it's your H and BLs job to manage.

FictionalCharacter · 14/11/2024 18:02

WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe · 13/11/2024 20:02

For me and DD he can't do enough, so no worries on that score. I'm just really disappointed in both of them burying their heads in the sand over their parents.

Words have been had with H and he is now on board. Has the tears and "I can't cope and don't want to accept it". I finally pointed out that he gave me no assistance when my DM died. And he's pulled himself together.

They both now know I am not going to register her death or sort the funeral arrangements. DMIL paid for a very basic cremation package but they want a church service so I am not getting involved in that. Particularly as me and the church do not get on.

Thanks for the kick up the bum and making me realise that what I was thinking was OK.

Well done! H and BIL have been behaving disgracefully. “I can’t cope” means “I can’t be bothered, I’ll let the servant deal with it”. Competent adults HAVE to cope, even in distressing situations.
Him not helping when your DM died makes it even worse.
Facing up to it and getting on with arranging the practical things is likely to help him - much more than denial and saying he can’t cope.

Twilight7777 · 14/11/2024 17:28

LoveSandbanks · 13/11/2024 14:24

Just step back and they’ll HAVE to cope. Stop picking up the reins when they drop them.

This! Unfortunately they will only learn by you stepping back and letting them get on with it.

SeulementUneFois · 14/11/2024 15:02

Avatartar · 13/11/2024 22:14

Good on you OP. Keep out of the aftermath with house clearance and sale too.
it may be cathartic for DH and BIL to do this and will help with accepting their loss and starting the grieving process

Well done OP.
And make sure you don't take on anything else.
After all you've already done hugely more than your DH did for you and your DM when the shoe was on the other foot. Think about that if you get (even implicitly) emotionally blackmailed going forward.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 14/11/2024 13:25

Good for you OP.

Avatartar · 13/11/2024 22:14

Good on you OP. Keep out of the aftermath with house clearance and sale too.
it may be cathartic for DH and BIL to do this and will help with accepting their loss and starting the grieving process

HarrisObviously · 13/11/2024 22:06

CollisionCourse · 13/11/2024 14:29

You sound like a saint op and they are all lucky to have you even if they don't know it, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

I have little sympathy with people who declare they "can't" cope with these things when they can cope with the more palatable bits of life. They could cope, they just really don't want to and so rely on someone else picking up the slack. I think you should start stepping back, even if it is hard to do. x

Edited

This sums it up perfectly. They can't cope because they know you will step up so they don't have to. They need to put on their big boy pants on.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/11/2024 21:45

Great update, glad it’s getting sorted and your DH is stepping up.

Fire86 · 13/11/2024 20:32

You sound lovely. But it’s really not your responsibility. Sure, you can support and help them but it shouldn’t all be on you.

SockFluffInTheBath · 13/11/2024 20:14

Sounds like a good outcome OP. Look after yourself.

Danascully2 · 13/11/2024 20:12

It sounds like you've done really well to be kind but firm in a stressful situation. I hope you can now grieve for your DMIL without doing all the running around too.

SheilaFentiman · 13/11/2024 20:09

Well done OP!

Original poster
WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe · 13/11/2024 20:02

For me and DD he can't do enough, so no worries on that score. I'm just really disappointed in both of them burying their heads in the sand over their parents.

Words have been had with H and he is now on board. Has the tears and "I can't cope and don't want to accept it". I finally pointed out that he gave me no assistance when my DM died. And he's pulled himself together.

They both now know I am not going to register her death or sort the funeral arrangements. DMIL paid for a very basic cremation package but they want a church service so I am not getting involved in that. Particularly as me and the church do not get on.

Thanks for the kick up the bum and making me realise that what I was thinking was OK.

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 13/11/2024 19:36

LoveSandbanks · 13/11/2024 14:24

Just step back and they’ll HAVE to cope. Stop picking up the reins when they drop them.

This. They are able to sit and flap because they know someone else will do it. With kindness, either accept the task and do it, or refuse like them. Just stop. I’m assuming FIL is now in the home? They will push for what is required. Not actually your circus, OP.

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

SheilaFentiman · 13/11/2024 17:50

In a NAMALT moment, DBro does more than half of what is needed for DM’s admin and splitting the funeral and care home stuff for DF was 50/50

Not to boast, but to note that a penis doesn’t prevent participation!

LisaJohnsonsFacebookMole · 13/11/2024 17:44

What a pathetic man you have married. It doesn't bode well for you should you need care at any point in time. Do his good qualities outweigh such pathetic wormlike behaviour and your inability to count on him should you become unwell?

betterangels · 13/11/2024 17:25

WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe · 13/11/2024 15:39

Thanks for all of your messages. You're all absolutely right and I will be having a word tonight. Thankfully the Power of Attorney is now activated (they had one of the old style ones), their wills are straight forward. Thankfully there is no probate as it all goes to DFIL. He is safe and comfortable in the assessment care home but can only stay for 4 weeks so they've got to look at alternatives for his care. He's the kindest, most gentle man I have think I have ever met and all he wants to do is find his wife of 60 years, from whom he was hardly ever apart - it's heartbreaking.

That's so heartbreaking. Your care for him shine through your words. It's beautiful.

StandingSideBySide · 13/11/2024 17:18

Same here
Brother did absolutely nothing for either of our parents alive or after death
Couldn’t understand it
My cousins had the same she did it all and her brother…nothing

My brother even moaned he didn’t like the funeral flowers I chose
No help whatsoever emptying the house even though I couldn’t lift heavy stuff and l live hours away and he was 20 minutes up the road.

I gave up last minute and he was moving the ladt of the furniture as the new buyers were moving in, all the while shouting messages down my phone asking why I can’t help.
Years on my own doing everything and his lack of respect for my parents ( he suggested just chucking their cats out and let them find someone local to feed them 🥲🥲 ) processions was sickening.

Leave them to it now!
If you start they will do nothing

Xenia · 13/11/2024 17:16

It sounds like now he has 4 weeks of residential care these men in the family who were leaving it all to you (very typical) will have time to sort things out now. This reminded me of the news today that Timonthy West (90, actor) has died leaving his wife of 60 years Prunella Scales in the family home who has dementia.
My late father died after our mother but then got dementia. Luckily for him his physical health gave out after a year or two of having care at home and he died in the house.

You have done so well and even if he is unable to realise I bet the father in law does know what you have done and I am glad you did tell him about his wife as even if you have to tell him regularly she has died someone had to tell him - he has a right to know. My father who was a doctor thought his carers at home were a team of nurses working for him which was quite a nice delusion really so it could have been worse. Sometimes you just have to play along with it to keep the person happy.

FrogsLoveRain · 13/11/2024 17:11

Good advice above OP from many posters.

Just here to give hugs to you and your lovely FIL.

I'm afraid I would have lost a lot of respect for "d"h and "d"bil. You're a saint but you need to reassess your boundaries and reassess your future for your own wellbeing.

Hugs

BruceAndNosh · 13/11/2024 17:07

I would seriously be reconsidering my marriage if my husband dumped all of this on me

unsync · 13/11/2024 17:03

@WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe Depending on asset type, savings, investments and property ownership, Probate may be needed. It shouldn't be assumed that everything just transfers across.

Also, I agree with everyone else. Step back and leave your husband and brother to sort out the house. As Attorneys for your FIL and presumably also Executors, it is their legal responsibility to deal with.

AInightingale · 13/11/2024 16:59

Just curious about what kind of role OP's husband plays in the business they own. I would have thought anyone self-employed like this would have assumed the responsibility for the admin quite readily. Please don't tell us that you do all his paperwork too...

ladymalfoy45 · 13/11/2024 16:36

'DH/DBIL why not get a house clearing company in to relieve you of this burden. Of course they will profit from the sale of the contents ,but as it's too much for you both,maybe it's for the best. '
That'll put a rocket up them.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 13/11/2024 16:35

Beamur · 13/11/2024 14:58

I very much doubt they will be able to step up and sort the house out.
There are companies that will do this for you - I'd suggest they collect all significant paperwork and memorable items they want to keep and get someone in to do the rest.
It's a gruelling job if you're feeling resilient enough. I suspect your husband is really struggling right now.
Don't feel the need to take up all the slack but do get some help in.

I'm sorry to be blunt but I feel this needs to be said.

As an adult in his 50s whose mother was most likely in her mid - late 80s if she had a 91yo husband, it is self-indulgent in the extreme to be behaving this way with the death of an extremely aged parent and foist all of the work involved onto your wife. I think the OPs husband and brother in law are behaving disgracefully.

they aren't 14 and nobody's death in their late 80s comes as a horrific shock that should be sending their middle aged children into meltdown. They are doing it because they can. Just stop doing it, op.

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