Help with mum. Dementia and where to live ?

We have Poa . I expect I signed it , I can't actually remember tbh. If we hadn't of got rid of it she would have got back in it !

Even the consultant said the family need to deal with it and stop her ! 🙄

@kaos2 who signed the V5 for the transfer, if you sold it without the knowledge of the registered keeper?

We sold my mums car and sent back her licence after her diagnosis . She went mad but I couldn't have it on my conscience that she was driving with a diagnosis that made her reactions slow

The dvla gave no fucks when I called them and she even tried to get her licence back by writing to them which I had to speak to them about and they said they would give it back . Luckily she didn't follow it through but jeez ! 🙄

My Dad was diagnosed in May after a few months of various assessments. We first flagged it in January.

Mixed dementia - predominantly Vascular, partly Alzheimers

Yes, MIL has Alzheimer’s.

A friend of my Mums had this.

She was in assisted living and they refused to take her back after an accident and a hospital spell. She'd moved for help and found herself entirely at the control of the management.

She then moved into a home and had to sell the flat which was another nightmare for the family.

Dementia and elderly illnesses are unpredictable.

A lot of retirement villages/ assisted living set ups won't take people with dementia.

• DRIVING - take action ASAP

Personally I think selling and renting somewhere in a retirement village with some additional support to clean etc and somewhere with a restaurant then that would make her more comfortable and have more social activities. But wouldn't have the difficulty of having to sell when she declines and needs more care. I suspect she'll want to stay in her house though but then we'll have to do modifications and she finds that prospect very stressful.
Not sure how easy it is to find a retirement village but absolutely move her ASAP while she has opportunity to adapt. Renting is the best route as she could pay masses in stamp duty alone, and only be there a year.

Do a Mumsnet search on 'Assisted Living' and 'McCarty & Stone' threads and read all of them -the replies will point you in the direction of what others wished they had done had they had more time to sort their elderly person. You might have the benefit of time. My DM was in a care home for eight years. It is not uncommon for people to be in them for longer. Reading historic threads and picking up tips is the way to go. Also read the ones about DVLA reporting.

Ahh the driving thing. Even after diagnosis its hard to remove the car. Asked the doctor - get him assessed. Showed him the route to the assessment centre - he got lost and needed to be rescued. Asked the police - let him drive, if he has an accident its £1,000 fine - couldn't care less. We removed the car as he was confused about everything. We said if you can renew your licence and insurance online and get yourself to the assessment centre you can have your car back. It will never happen.

Its not about making them more vulnerable but keeping everybody safe - not just the parent and it is a moral responsibility. It maybe upsetting and difficult to remove the car but an accident is even more upsetting and can be avoided.

Well said @BananaSpanner

You’re talking about early stage and pre diagnosis dementia sufferers like they’re toddlers who can be told what to do not adults, with capacity who live their own lives pretty independently.
My mums driving skills did not decline immediately but she was getting lost more easily and losing her car in car parks and for those reasons I was glad she stopped as it was making her more vulnerable.
I’m absolutely not recommending driving with dementia but the decision to stop driving is difficult and upsetting for many people and is not straightforward as they are not necessarily bad drivers because of their early stage dementia.

Skirting a diagnosis? Have you ever tried to get a dementia diagnosis for a loved one? It’s the NHS that skirt it!

I hadn’t driven with my dad for many years.

But that’s by the by. I am not qualified to assess whether someone’s reactions are still fast enough or just half a second too slow, whether their brain is processing peripheral inputs properly or missing things. I am not qualified to sit with them and do flash cards and see if they still know all the road signs, not just the half dozen they see on their weekly pootle to the shops.

You have missed my point completely. Obviously they have the ultimate legal authority. I'm talking about a moral responsibility from relatives who know full well their parent isn't safe.

Why are we using the DVLA or doctors as the definite judgement on when people should stop driving?
Errrr because it’s the law if there’s been a diagnosis, the licence may not be taken away but the DVLA must be informed as must the insurance company.

Why are we using the DVLA or doctors as the definite judgement on when people should stop driving? You as an individual knows how your parent is, you know whether they are safe, whether their reactions are fast enough, their eyesight good enough and more importantly how they would cope if they did go in the wrong direction or end up in an unfamiliar situation - could they handle it calmly and get home? Don't kid yourself they are safe just because someone in authority hasn't specifically said they are not.

My dad had dementia. The first driving test after the family “knew” he had it, he passed. The second one, some months later, he failed. That is when his license was taken away.

I have no idea when in the five years from his first symptoms to his death he was diagnosed by the NHS, or if indeed, he ever formally was.

Try and get her a driving test, OP.

@SockFluffInTheBath I won't apologise for not taking on my Mum .
She has been verbally abusive to me since her stroke and consequent diagnosis in 2022 and I won't live like that . Luckily for her ( or not depending on your outlook) she has enough money to pay for care and I'll use every single penny to get her the best care available .

It's an awful situation but I have a right to a life too and her admin and doctor's appointments are a full time job alone but that is enough!

I know the dementia monster has a full headlock on her now but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with 😢

How much human waste has this mouthpiece washed out of carpets? How many incontinence pads has he changed? Everyone has an opinion on what other people should be doing for their parents, based largely on what they like to think they will do.

Thing is like you say if you take her money then she has to go to a care home you'll have to give it back to pay. Or re mortgage .

My mum is still on her own and I won't be moving her in with me . It will be care at home then a care home when needed .

Does she have money aside from her house ? If not you can get a care assessment and the local authority will pay for care

That’s very true, apologies.

Giles Fraser wrote quite an infamous piece Why won't Remainers talk about family? - UnHerd about this a while ago - it caused fury at the time.

Also I think you’re unfair to say they’re skirting a diagnosis. Like anything in the NHS, it takes time, tests and appointments.

No it’s the DVLA, who don’t automatically stop you from driving once you’re diagnosed. I’m not recommending driving with dementia just correcting some inaccuracies on the thread.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/staying-independent/driving-dementia-law

Re driving…people with dementia can drive. Yes it has to be declared to DVLA upon diagnosis but OPs mum hasn’t had a diagnosis yet.

Her medically trained sister thinks it’s dementia. Just because they’re skirting a diagnosis does not mean her DM is safe to drive. It’s not the dr’s diagnosis that suddenly renders you unsafe to be behind the wheel.