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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad wandering in the night - is it now time for a care home?

31 replies

BigBarm · 12/11/2024 05:01

I’m currently on a long haul overnight flight back to the UK and I decided to use the wifi so I could catch up on a few work emails before I go to sleep… but I’m now unlikely to get any sleep!

Background: My dad has dementia and still lives in his own home - we have carers visit every morning and evening and a few other visits across the week. And he has some social arrangements with friends and family that I organise/oversee. He’s still able to do some things for himself without help, eg microwave a meal, walk to the shop for milk.

His Blink camera has pinged me to show that he was wandering around outside his house @ 3:45am. His carers make sure he locks up after their evening visit (8pm) and he’s never wandered before or left his home after they’ve been, so this is a worrying change in behaviour. He’s gone inside now, so I think that he is safe. But as I’m on a flight, there is bugger all I can do anyway.

I’ve been looking at care homes recently, thinking that it’s something for in the future - either when it becomes unsafe for him to live there or when I crack and can’t cope any more, whichever comes first! I live 200 miles away and I’m exhausted trying to manage his care/house and travelling to see him frequently. (I have a sibling who lives closer, but they are not doing much compared to me). I was hoping that it would be a little while yet before he needed a care home… but now this has happened I’m thinking it might need to happen soon?

I’d like to know what others think. Does this wandering now make him unsafe and need to be in a home? At what point did you realise that your parent can’t live in their own home?

Thanks for listening!

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBarm · 12/11/2024 08:29

Thank you so much for your replies. It helps to hear from others who have been through this. Friends and family are sympathetic but unless you’ve been in this situation, it’s hard to understand exactly what it’s like.

I will of course speak to him. Whether he will remember or tell me the truth is another matter! He often tells me things that I know not to be true because I have the tracker and camera. Sometimes he will tell me eg that he’s been for a walk/weeded the garden - sometimes he genuinely thinks he has done so, other times I think he just says it out of habit or to make conversation.

whilst he is capable of eg using the microwave, I suspect sometimes this is not happening as well as it used to and we’ve recently been considering extra care visits to make his evening meal. The morning carers already prepare a sandwich/salad lunch for him because he has forgotten/is unable to do this now. His personal care would not be good without the care visits, which is sad because he was always so clean and well groomed. There have been a couple of other issues - I’ve seen him looking confused on camera and once taking his clothes off outside (his house is tucked away so luckily this was not seen by anyone else). And we’ve had continence issues 3 times where he’s tried to hide it or cleaned up badly.

He doesn’t have a social worker and would be self funding, but I think this is a good idea to get a needs assessment. We’ve talked about the possibility of going into a home before - he’s shown understanding about why that might happen, but I am not sure he will ever think he’s at the stage where he needs it.

Talk of depriving him of his liberty makes me feel even guiltier than I already do! This was my first holiday in two years. He’s been ill for four years since my mum died. I constantly worry about him and feel like I am on call 24/7, his camera can ping me up to 100 times a day. The exhaustion and anxiety is sometimes overwhelming and affects the rest of my life, especially my work.

Thanks for listening, it does really help!

OP posts:
parietal · 12/11/2024 07:52

Start looking at possible care homes. The good ones have a waiting list, and it is much better to plan in advance for a move than to need to move in a hurry. So get things lined up that you know which home you like for 6-12 months from now.

Is your dad at risk of falling? Would he wear a call bell with a location tracker, like an AirTag, so he doesn't wander and get lost?

What is his opinion on care homes? It could be good to start on telling him how marvellous they are.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/11/2024 07:15

That was the trigger for us to move my mum to a Care Home. She started wandering in the night, forgetting where she was, it was frankly awful. My sister lived locally and was getting calls from the police night after night. She went into a (lovely) Home with locked doors after that. Safer for everyone. Sorry you are going through this op, it’s tough.

starpatch · 12/11/2024 07:01

So he is quite able he can use a microwave and go to the shop for milk. You only know he went out once at night not for long then he went back inside. I don't think that is enough evidence to deprive him of his liberty in a care home. You could ask for a care needs assessment from social care if you are worried everyone is entitled to an assessment even self funders. I work in social care.

January2015 · 12/11/2024 06:54

I’m really sorry to hear about your dad and how his dementia is affecting him, I completely understand how you are feeling, as I have been through all of this too.
It’s the feeling of guilt that you have too. If you’re starting to consider his safety now, as you are beginning to get worried… then I feel that the time is right for you to consider residential home.
My mum has dementia and this happened to her. She lived alone and was coping quite well, however, over a period of time she lost all sense of time and routine.
Her self- care and hygiene was also deteriorating.
She started having hallucinations, that there were people in her house that wouldn’t leave; sometimes she would go and change the bedding so that they would be able to stay. Sometimes the hallucinations were of people that she knew, but increasingly of strangers - over time she became scared and confused and would ring me at any point during the night to say that there was someone in her house or she would wander outside and knock on her neighbour’s door upset and scared, he would then check the house for her and call me. She started to become frightened on her own.
Despite having meals delivered during the day, and microwave meals to hand, it was around this time that she then also started to put pans on to cook something and then dangerously forget about it,
She started to become frightened on her own and it was clear that her safety was at risk.
When it got to this point, I rang adult social services to ask for advice and support.
We spoke to mum about our concerns and worries and it was suggested that she had some time in a care home for respite, which she agreed to.
Once at the care home, the hallucinations stopped and she was given a daily routine that she could relate to. At the home, she made a few friends had daily interactions, regular healthy meals, personal care and hygiene needs met, medical needs met and she felt safe.
It greatly eased my mind that she was safe and cared for 24 hours a day.
Following an initial 6 week respite stay, and following lots of support from her social worker, it was decided to make her stay there permanent and she has been there for 2 1/2 years.
Over that time, she has progressed through the stages of dementia and is now in the last stage. Although it has been an upsetting journey, it was completely the right thing to do and completely in her best interests.

DustyLee123 · 12/11/2024 06:51

It depends why he was wandering. He might have heard a noise and gone out to investigate. I think you need to speak to him and see what his recollection, or not, is of the situation.
How does he feel about going in a home at some point? Does he have a social worker?
My DH was told that his parents would need a home once they needed more than 4 visits a day, or overnight care. One of his parents started wandering and hassling neighbours/random people walking down the road, that’s when the SW pushed for a home.