DM, 70, is in a flat only accessible by climbing 40 steps, and doesn't have the money to move anywhere she deems acceptable

Oh and I found with mine that all attempts to make sensible suggestions about what could be done (spare keys with friends and/or keysafe, hospital bag packed, POA set up, money for taxi somewhere safe and account set up type things) were ignored

UNTIL one of her friends had a fall, got stuck and had paramedics having to break down the door. THEN these things were suddenly actioned but as her ideas!

So there's a limit to what you can do until something happens to make them take action.

It is extremely frustrating.

It's encouraged to keep stairs as long as possible for fitness. My dh is 70 and he would go crazy if he thought his dc were planning his retirement home. Saying that we are planning some house changes to future proof.
The oldest person in my gym is 91 so as your dm begins to struggle she may be more open to change. Give her time.

70 is a long way off elderly nowadays. The stairs will keep her fit. I’d not be worrying about it at this stage.

Stairs will keep her fitter and younger.

70 doesn't seem old at all. The keenest salsa dancer I know is around 70.

It's also her choice if she's mentally competent, even if she wants to be a hermit in an eyrie one day.

Your mum was very lucky @Todaywasbetter. Some old people never suffer cognitive decline and also manage to avoid falls! My mother took two falls in her house, neither caused lasting damage (she fell on the stairs once so that was miraculous) and three in her sheltered accommodation (designed to minimise the chances). The last was only a trip but catastrophic for her. There is nowhere that an old person can be 100% guaranteed not to come a cropper.

My mum refused to have a bed downstairs and lived on her own in her own house until she was 93 She never went into residential care and felt sorry for those who did

When she starts needing it more could she rent her flat out then rent sheltered housing flat maybe?

Your original post sets out the potential scenario's well. She moves now or she becomes housebound when the stairs get too difficult or there is a crisis whereby she ends up in hospital and can't return home if access is too difficult. She may then be put in a short term care placement. She would be financially assessed by social services regarding a contribution to this care until a housing plan can be sorted out. If she ends up being there long term then her flat will need to be sold.

It's unlikely she'll qualify for any kind of council housing as a home owner.

You are sensible thinking about this now but if she isn't on board with the idea then there's nothing you can do. Would she at least look at the provision in your area?

I get what you're saying but realistically you can't make plans before DM declines and makes the decision herself
She owns her home and lives independently.
There are options when she feels the time is right.
Buy a shared ownership retirement property with the capital and pay rent on the rest
Some areas have retirement villages which you can buy or rent with a care home on site should she require it.
A " garden room" on your property or an annex in a property you buy together( depending on family circumstances of course)
In my area, anyone can join the waiting list for a sheltered bungalow( it's based on needs not capital)
Private carer to help with tasks in the home
I have looked into this for myself and my solution was a disabled facility grant
You could contact age uk, but realistically if DM is fit and well, her mobility may not decline to the extent you're thinking.

If she's fine at the minute who knows what options there will be in 5 or 10 or 15 years time. Can you make moving near you extremely attractive? Saying how much time you could have together, show her the great properties she could afford, tell her all she will have to do is get in a car you will sort out most of the routine selling, buying and moving for her, perhaps you could win her round.

My MIL was the same didn't like living alone, but didn't want to move and then got older and couldn't face the disruption of moving, in the end she couldn't walk very far, the stairs were a real problem and she was pretty much housebound. She died in her own house at 89. I wish we had tried harder to get her to move close to us, we did try but it would end in a stalemate every time, she was living four hours away too which made helping her really difficult.

Turns out, it's really difficult to plan ahead for old age for anyone except yourself 😔
My mother was not quite in the situation you describe, but nevertheless at 85 being very much in denial about her lack of mobility. She had a lifeline, but didn't like to wear it, so when she did fall, had to crawl the the main box ( with a fractured hip) so help was delayed for sometime.
A couple of falls later she agreed to have some assistance, but still insisted on negotiating areas not safe for her lack of mobility. Various hospital stays where they deemed her to have mental capacity.

Cue some discussion on these threads about the daft decisions people can make, family members being berated for trying to keep our loved ones safe and the fear of being held accountable if something goes wrong.

Mine had a stroke finally, went via hospital to a rehabilitation unit, and now her next place of residence is under discussion. A rehabilitation staff member went to assess her home and according to my sibling was 'aghast' at some of her strategies for getting in and out of the bathroom, for example. But...mum had 'capacity ' and wouldn't listen to any of us saying it was dangerous.
The stress of being constantly on high alert worrying about her yet her not allowing us to help was exhausting!
Anyway in answer to your question we were recently invited to a multi-disciplinary meeting with mum to discuss what's next. She's self funding so can choose either home with live-in care, or residential care, but they said if she was funded, adult social services would be finding her somewhere safer to live as she's unable to be left alone, particularly at night.

Tl:dr - in some cases you have to wait till the wheels fall off and then the adult social services will scoop them up, though you do have to brace yourself for the pressure to look after them yourself.

Good luck - it's a tough one to navigate!

Be prepared for plenty of emotional blackmail (see username) from hospital staff and her friends if they have your contact details about why you're not doing the things they think you should!

Ultimately though, it's their decision to make. Mine had chosen to live near friends rather than family members so couldn't realistically expect us to drop everything and rush to assist from a distance.

How far away are you (eg would dropping in shopping one day a week be feasible) and does she have helpful friends or neighbours nearby?

If you're not available to do anything and there's a crisis the hospital just deals with it, and in my experience, the local friends have to step in. This might be disastrous, if they're not very capable or don't have a door key or she's never considered they might need to do this.

Once crisis resolved and discharged, depending on what condition she's in she'd either get sent home with carer visits, and probably wouldn't be leaving the flat, or she'd be assessed as unable to manage there and go into something like reablement if they're felt mobility would improve, or a care home (the flat would have to be sold).

It didn't get that far when I had to do it (was unable to travel when there was a crisis and sibling couldn't be bothered to do anything) as was discharged straight home from hospital and the friends did some shopping.

You could try ringing Age UK OP just to talk through the different options if something happened

www.ageuk.org.uk/services/age-uk-advice-line/

She could get an over 60s retirement property for cheaper

Perhaps you can help her look into shared ownership.
https://www.sharetobuy.com/guides-and-faqs/older-persons-shared-ownership/

She could buy a share of the property with the money from the sale of her flat then pay rent either from her income or claim help from benefits if she is on a low income. The shared ownership for older people often has no rent to pay if you own 75% of the property.

To look for Shared Ownership homes on Right Move you can select the filter “Buying Schemes”.

There are plenty of things to fight about. This is not one of them.

I think the simple answer is that adults can make their own choices and it doesn't have to be in their best interests. The chances of you getting a hoarder to move are nigh on impossible. It would be too much letting go of any of their stuff, or even sorting through it. I have noticed with my parents and their friends, they all find downsizing difficult at the point they are still fit and well enough to manage everything.

All you can do is smile and nod and hope for the best.

I get that you'd rather she dealt with it sooner, but 5 or 10 years is a long time and it may be that she'll stay in that flat until her final move into a care home or six feet under rather than needing another property in between. She likes the city where she lives and can't afford the kind of property she'd need there, so I can't blame her for not wanting to move away now at age 70 when she's doing okay. If she can manage the stairs fine, that's the main thing. Whether she wants to do a lap of the park with your dog isn't really an indicator of poor health.

I had all kinds of similar worries about my parents, wanting to get them into a bungalow/more appropriate older person property but the bottom line is most people don't see themselves as old and don't want to change their ways until they have no choice. As it is, my worries have been unfounded so far and I hope you find the same with your mum.

There's no reason to assume she'll fall down the stairs any more than you might fall down the stairs, or any more than she'd fall down stairs in the outside world. It really depends on what her health issues are as to whether this is reasonable concern or might never come to pass.

You are joking. This will reduce the stair width for all the neighbours. They could potentially trip on the stair lift and this would be dangerous for young children.
It could also impede evacuation for everyone in the event of a fire.

Your dm is only 70, surely its going to be quite a while yet before stairs are an issue? I have relatives in mid-70's and they are fit as fiddles doing weekly gym classes and no issues with stairs?
Is your mum physically fit? 70 isn't old.