How has this changed how you will approach it?

I think people start struggling then actually lose awareness. They lose awareness of how much they are struggling and the impact it has when it all falls on the children. Looking after an elderly parent could literally be a full time job if you let it.

I’m dealing with my mother’s failing health right now and it’s just awful - she’s so needy, so sad, so difficult, so unreasonable and I’m so exhausted.

So yes, I’ve already told my daughter that I will carry on by myself (I’m happily on my own already) until I can’t manage anymore and then get myself off to a care home. I’ve told her that she & her brothers can visit me a maximum of once a month each) and not have any of this awful faffing about.

@BlueLegume thank you got your kind words. Like you we are just expected to sort it out. It’s strangely cathartic writing it down

My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly at 80 . My father who was 85 quickly realised how unprepared they had been regarding finances , etc. Both of them had been very capable and independent and my father continued to do so . The only thing he needed help with was food as he had never really cooked but he was so cooperative and grateful. His finances had always been his private business but he was then more forthcoming and involved me in joint accounts, POA . He even talked about his desired funeral. They never burdened us at all but they both had good health and very quick medical issues that they both died of .
I see so many of my contemporaries aged 50 - 60 juggling still maybe working and elderly parents coupled and also wanting to help out with childcare. I have already had these conversations with my DCs and I am OK with carers or nursing home and money situations have been explained. Currently doing a Swedish death cleaning type thing and looking to downsize.

I'm old and now frail. I've got every aid known to humankind. Including, but not limited to, three rollators (one upstairs, one down, one for going out), mobility scooter, chair lift, large walk in shower with shower chair. You get the idea.

I'm lucky that I can afford it, but I've done it to play my part. My adult child and their partner do so much for me. It seems the least I can do, to take advantage of all the things that can help me, thereby helping them.

Power of attorney and Will done, I've had the discussion with family about what I would way 're end of life care and funeral ect.

One of my aims now is to keep my estate, such as it is, below the threshold so adult child doesn't need to go to probate.

I've done this for one reason. Because I love my child.

I am going to dignitas if I get terminally ill. I couldn't bear my sons watching me die by inches . I'm really struggling right now with arthritis and mobility problems. They have done enough

Will has been done since I was early 40s (needs updating) and will set up both POAs once my kids are over 21.

Have a conversation with both of them about 'putting me in a home' if I'm not coping at home.

Simplify bills and bank accounts. Or at least keep an up to date record of what's what.

Swedish death cleaning. I don't want my kids to have to deal with all my crap once I'm gone. All I want to leave in the loft is a Christmas tree not the 50 boxes of crap I've still got from my parent's house

My mum, caring for her mum, used to trot out that line about shooting herself when she got to that stage (people say go to Dignitas now but it didn’t exist then). Now, at the age of 93, she’s fighting tooth & nail for every extra day.

So, the difference it’s made to me is not to make any assumptions about how I’ll really feel when it comes to the crunch.

Do you think something happens to our thought pattern as we get older that makes us more selfish? The amount of elderly people I have known who won’t accept any care unless it’s from their DC or won’t sign POA’s even though it can cause a nightmare if they don’t. I’d love to know more about what happens to our brains, I wonder if the current older people thought they’d be less of a burden as they got older and then over time they either don’t realise they are or just become selfish or is it a survival instinct or something else?

Oh my goodness, so many things!

Only keeping what we need and use. Simplifying the finances. Will move somewhere with GP, dentist, optician, bus, train, supermarket, post office all within easy reach. Will also make sure we are near a day centre and care home should the need arise. Will also choose a property on one level with a level access shower.

No children so we will downsize and buy in help as needed. If you have a support network you've got people keeping an eye on you. It's almost like you need a surrogate daughter to manage it. Do they exist?!

My parents are mid sixties but my mother in particular is a huge concern. Constantly exhausted despite not working, dizzy a lot and has had a few falls. Refuses to see a GP despite there being a strong history of high cholesterol and diabetes in our family. If she's like this now, I dread to think what she will be like in 10 years time. Unfortunately I still live with them and I have my own chronic health issues. My mother says she would never expect me to become a carer but she would point blank refuse to go into a home and says she hates the idea of carers so I think she's just lying to me. I see a lot of colleagues who are helping to care for elderly parents and they are constantly stressed and one, on the verge of tears all the time as constantly having to deal with their elderly mum falling, not making it to the loo on time, juggling their hospital appointments etc.
I wish I could have an honest discussion with my mother about future care needs but she would just laugh it off.
I have as I say my own health issues so this really worries me to the point of keeping me up at night.

We're both in our late 50s. I retired in June to look after my wife who had a SCI 4 years ago. Her mobility is ok, but, she needs a mobility scooter for longer distances and a few other medical issues. These aren't massive problems at the moment and may get worse as we age. The last few years have been an eye opener and have made us to really think hard about the future.

We have just moved to the coast. We've bought a bungalow that has been completely refurbished. Access is good. Bathroom has a walk in shower and the bath can be removed if my wife needs a carer to help in the future. There is a bus stop 50yds away. A few shops literally around the corner. A doctors less than 10mins walk. Town centre with lots of amenities is 1/2 mile away. I can walk to the beach in 10mins. There is a big retirement community where we've moved with lots of things going on. We researched many different areas and took our time to consider what we need now and what our needs maybe in the future. Nothing is certain, but, we've tried to future proof the move.

We are lucky to not have had to sell our old house about 50 miles away at the moment. My wife gets tired so there wasn't the rush and panic to sell and move quickly. Our old house will go up for sale in the next month.

Our children are grown up and moved out. We have lived in our old house for over 30 years. If we didn't move now then we would probably struggle to move away if my wifes condition deteriorated. It's a big move for us, but, we are sure it's for the best.

We have wills and POA for health and wealth.

My parents are in their late 70s. Did wills about 35 years ago. No POAs. Live in a house that has living accommodation upstairs and bathroom downstairs. Talked about moving about 15 years ago, but, banged heads about what they each wanted so nothing was done. Dad only retired about 5 years ago ( got caught in the ' one more year and I'll retire ' cycle ). His health has declined quite rapidly over the last 12 months and now mum is his carer. They can't have a stair lift as the stairs have 2 turns and are narrow. House isn't really working for them now and I fear things will get no better. They don't really do anything as dad isn't well enough.

They were my example of what not to do.

We've had a rough time with my wifes health over the last few years and that has made us focus. We are doing all we can to enjoy our golden years. Don't wait until your health declines and think you'll be able to act then ( move house etc ). If you have a dream start to make it happen. Have no regrets.

I tried maybe three times or more to tell both parents that they needed the Dr or to get a cleaner, a gardener etc then I had to find peace that they had every excuse why they couldn't. Then the next phone call saying "I can't mow the lawn, I can't lift the lawn mower" I'd reply with "that's a shame, but it would cost me £30 in petrol to get down to you" and change the topic. I think mum wanted me to use my time and money to do what she could have easily paid for. I was 2 hours away with 4 young kids. I just could not do it. Impossible and that was that

Yes to sorting out stuff and not having loads of things hanging around that needs sorting out! Not equipment for still-active hobbies or similar but the I amount of tat and junk shoved in cupboards that hadn't been opened in years - clothes with holes in, ragged bedsheets.

And getting paperwork in order. Why my elderly thinks I've got time to lovingly go through mounds of paperwork then try and work out which bank accounts are still active when it could have been sorted and obsolete information destroyed years ago! Mortgage they paid off decades ago?! Payslips from a job in the 1970s?!

If you own your house then keep all the paperwork related to that together, it makes it so much easier when selling. I have it divided up into things that belong with the house (eg FENSA certificates and boiler information) and other things that could be removed.

@Lytlethings yes my mother really thinks her and Dad were ‘fiercely independent’ for years . Reality is for around 15 years all of us have sorted utilities, phones, car, handymen etc because they refused to address the fact their home was unsuitable. I have posted this elsewhere but as things deteriorated over the past 2 years our brother sent my DSis and I a very hoity message about the state of the storage shed being full. It literally is stuffed with storage boxes of toiletries cleaning products paint etc etc. I immediately responded with - ‘really? The kids used to want to go and play in grannies shop when they were little.’.

A childhood memory from the 70s was an airing cupboard so rammed with sets of towels you needed a step ladder to reach.

This is a house stuffed with stuff. Not messy but every wardrobe and drawer full. It is interesting because I am the absolute opposite. I have what I need plus a very few luxuries and it works.

DH and I have both observed our parents and are using it as a blueprint of what not to do.

We sorted both health and finance POA a year or two ago, and gave each other and our DS POA. We also sorted out wills about 10 years ago and have updated them once already since then and will continue to update as our circumstances change.

We’re about to move house into somewhere we’ve completely renovated. The plan is to stay there for 20 years all being well, then we will do a huge downsize. At that point we’ll both be mid 60’s. We’ve realised the time to downsize is about 5-10 years before you feel you want or need to. Our parents left it too late and now don’t have the energy or ability or mental faculties to deal with a house move and are living in completely unsuitable homes.

As part of the downsize we will gift DS a good portion of the proceeds of the sale of our home. We’ve already told him there will be no inheritance other than a house and maybe some small amount of money left in a bank account. However we have paid for him to go through Uni, he has taken no loans and hasn’t needed to work, we will be giving him a sum of money towards a house purchase when he’s ready and plan to pay towards a wedding, family holidays, meals out, etc whenever we we can. We’re going to spend our money and enjoy watching DS and (hopefully) his family benefit from however we can help and spoil them now rather than him getting a lump of money when we’re dead.

We have no expectations of DS looking after us in any way, we will buy help in as soon as it’s needed. We already have a cleaner and gardener and don’t see it as any different to that. I cannot fathom why parents are sitting on pots of money and refusing to pay for any outside help while expecting their children to run themselves ragged for them, it’s utterly selfish and it baffles me.

I'm live-in carer to my remaining parent. I'm using the opportunity to get fit and lose the weight I gained when I ate my way through an abusive marriage.

This winter I'm decluttering all my stuff. A bit of Swedish death cleaning is in order. I want to get my own affairs in order and work out my finances for when I'm eventually alone.

We accumulate so much stuff and don't really need much at all.

i am trying to save enough each month so that I can pay for things for myself in old age. So many people in old age refuse help because they want to be independent. By independent they mean relying entirely on a family member to take the whole burden. So what I take from my experience is to already have a chat with my kids about how I want my old age to feel like. Not that far in the future for me.
I continue to have a mass clear out of my home and am gradually persuading my reluctant other half to do the same. All of them have asked whether I would consider moving closer to them and I said. “No”. They laughed at the vehemence of that.

Yes, we had a good think about the house layout and location before we started the current round of improvements, which have all been designed with our future, tottery, 80+ year old selves in mind.

Near to bus stops, surgery.

Can put in a stairlift.

Loos now fairly high up.

I was lucky enough to see DM doing things that did work for her (so we can follow her example!).