Supporting a bereaved elderly parent

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have experienced this a few months ago. I am slightly further down the line than you although I don’t particularly have words of wisdom.

The main thing I’d say is definitely make time for yourself. Put your oxygen mask on first. I feel much calmer when I have had some space.

I felt like I’d lost both parents because DM was so lost she wasn’t and still isn’t herself. She’s quite snappy and isn’t interested in anyone else. It’s really sad.

It is one of the toughest most emotional things to go through in life. Unless friends have experience of losing a parent it’s unlikely they will fully understand how it’s affecting you.

CRUSE has a great helpline for support. They are a fantastic bereavement charity. I’ve called them a few times and their understanding and advice has always been spot on. Definitely use them, they are such kind people.

Sorry for your loss OP. We lost dad summer 2023 after a short and sudden illness
Mum is in good health but is broken with grief still. They were together since 16, over 60 years and she fell apart.
She is fine with the house side of things, she did bulk of the domestic chores but still doesn't go anywhere alone. She only goes out if we go with her. She doesn't drive either which makes things harder.
We all try to see her as much as possible. I see her two full days a week. One of my siblings is further away so barely sees her.
It's hard going we all work and have children and I feel like I don't get a second to myself. But it is what it is and we won't abandon her. It's just part and parcel of life

I've also come to the realisation that I'm not responsible for dad's happiness. I can help him and give him ideas, but I can't make things better.
This is a really important point. I felt that I was so responsible for my mother, widowed just before lockdown and living 75 miles from us, and in a temporary remission from incurable blood cancer. In fact, she was a tough and resilient person, in a way I couldn't have predicted.

She wasn't my child. It took me some time to become aware of this and to understand that by limiting my own life too much to worry about her I was, in a sense, letting my parents down, being less than I could be, not experiencing life in the fullest way. I still did a lot for her but emotionally I kept in mind the fact that the only person whose state of mind I could really influence was mine.

When I have doubts I think of my own children. Would I want them to live life less fully than they could because of me? Is that what I brought them into the world for?

Tough days, OP. You'll get through it, but let yourself feel the emotions as they come. I have had days after my mother died when I felt like a fountain. I was actually thirsty from the tears. That stage passed for me fairly quickly but this week I have been feeling the dull, pressing kind of sadness for my parents, missing them. I don't think November is my best month, anyway!

How are you doing @Earlydarkdays ?

How is sorting out the funeral going?

I know many posters talk about the importance of putting boundaries in place. I'm not yet in a position that I can do that yet, my mum is having major surgery in less than 2 weeks, but it is something I think I am going to have to broach in the new year, when she has recovered. Boundaries is quite a strong word, I suppose it is more saying I'm sorry, but I cannot be your everything. Like you mentioned in your first post, my mum (whom I didn't spend that much time with on a weekly basis previously), needs more company and over the past few months I've been it, pretty much. For the first 2 and a half months I went over every day, but with the kids back at school, and myself back at work I can't manage it and it dropped down to 3 or so times a week. But it's still difficult juggling everything and feeling guilty all the time.

I suggested joining things like university of the third age etc, and researched local groups etc but she said she wasn't ready/wasn't interested. But its tough knowing that you're the only person they speak to on a daily basis and if you can't pop over then they won't see anyone at all for days on end. She doesn't have any local friends really. But I think, once she is mobile and feeling physically better after surgery, then I need to try and encourage her to make new connections with others.

I'm starting to appreciate self care is important, like @MargaritaPracticallyCan said. I spoke to my GP finally yesterday as I have a minor ongoing health issue and I ran out of meds just before my dad died and never got round to getting my blood tested and making sure levels were ok and getting a new prescription. I think feeling physically a bit crap has made things harder mentally.

I have had to drop the things that give me joy, mainly my time intensive sport/hobby, and the friends that came with it, because I just couldn't fit everything in. It's been a carousel of looking after the immediate needs of my nuclear family (my DH was incredibly supportive and did the heavy lifting over the summer but is now back at work full time and very busy), working 3/4 days a week, and my in any free chunk of time visiting my mum. But I don't want this to be 'it' forever more. I think logically I know that, but the guilt is very hard to deal with.

@Earlydarkdays thank you, and same goes, am here for you. I don't know if you'd come across this, but when it comes to informing any government-related services about your DF's death, you can register with 'tell us once' via the gov.uk website and it will contact lots of agencies on your behalf, so you don't need to call/email them all.
I found organising the funeral kind of cathartic, and actually, it was a beautiful day, despite being cloaked in sadness, it was just right for mum, and for us. I hope you can take the time you need to make time for yourself in coming days, and if you can, be gently honest with your mum when you need space. I've found that if I explain things to my dad in terms of 'it would really help me if...' then he understands, as he really doesn't want to burden me, though of course, that happens. We've had some really nice days together recently when we've been able to be just dad and daughter, but it's taken time to get here.

@Earlydarkdays and everyone, thank you so much for setting up this thread. I'm so sorry others are going through this hideous time, but am also reassured by the lovely people here who want to support their parents through the darkest days.
My beloved mum died in June, six weeks after being diagnosed with a brain tumour, completely unexpected. My brother and I moved in to their house to care for mum and support dad, which was the right thing to do, we wouldn't do anything different if we had to again, but it was physically, mentally and emotionally challenging.
Dad's 80 and in good health, now facing life without his rock. Mum was the glue, the do-er, the organiser, social secretary, house-manager, finances, the lot. Dad is smart, proud, kind, sociable, very capable, but mum was the energy in their relationship if that makes sense?
I've been supporting him practically and emotionally and he is trying, by keeping busy at home, seeing friends once or twice a week, food shopping, looking after our dog, but he's struggling, he's lonely and he's just terribly sad.
He and my brother have a habit of bundling all their grief up and dumping it at my feet, so I've learnt to set some boundaries and we've had some tricky but productive conversation about it. I've also come to the realisation that I'm not responsible for dad's happiness. I can help him and give him ideas, but I can't make things better. He's making the right noises about counselling and joining bereavement groups but he's not actually done that yet.
I've moved to compressed hours so I can support him one day a week if needed, but not a weekly commitment.
I feel like I'm unravelling a bit emotionally as I try to manage my own grief and I know I need to get some help. I will make enquiries this week. I have a great support network but I feel like I need something different to try and help me work through stuff.
Thank you to everyone for your advice, there are some excellent suggestions which I'm going to take forward.

I’m in a rush so a very brief message @Earlydarkdays .

It’s crude but having been, and still going, through it, it’s completely and utterly shit and awful, and you have my deepest sympathies.

My wonderful amazing DF died completely unexpectedly of a heart attack (12 days after his annual check up that said everything was fine) this summer. I feel like my whole world is in ruins.

Not only have I lost ‘my person’, I’ve gained the responsibility of looking after my mum who is in poor physical health and now mentally struggling. It’s really really rough. Like your situation my mum relied on my dad for everything. She doesn’t drive. He was the sociable one, he was her everything. Her world has become very small. We are quite different people. I love her, she’s my mum, but I don’t find her easy tbh.

I’m trying to juggle all the balls and it’s really tough.

I don’t have any answers for you I’m afraid but sending some very unmumsnetty hugs.

I'm so sorry.

Are there any people supporting you? Your dh, your GP? Anyone your mother is able to spend time with - vicar, cousin, neighbour? Do try and take those breaks.

I'd say get more time than you think you need on the fit note from your GP. Maybe a month? More? It sounds as if you need a significant chunk.

@Earlydarkdays oh much love to you and condolences on the death of your father.

Your user name is spot on because it is a horrible horrible horrible time. I've been through this a while back and I would say

-the death of your parent is one of the toughest emotional experiences you will go through in your life. People often say grief is the price paid for love and there is a lot in that. Do try to hang on to that sense - the pain is a reflection of your love. Even if it is expected, its a shock. if it was unexpected, the shock will be multiplied a gazzilion-fold. So first thing is don't expect too much of yourself (or your mother) for at least 12 months and possibly longer.

-Do NOT make any big decisions (her selling the house/moving etc) for at least 12 months because you aren't functioning normally.

-You are in the worst of it. It's all raw and the pain is so searing and you are in shock. This time will seem like a blur in a year or so because of the shock but you will remember the kindness and the friends who stuck by you. Grief makes many people disappear.

-You and your mother are in the same boat - having lost the same person you both loved - so you can help each other in your grief. BUT your grief will be different because you were a daughter and she was a spouse AND because everyone grieves differently. There is no hierachy or judgment in grief. It all hurts, its all different.

-If she wants to be with you but you need space, my advice would be to manage that as best you can to give her what she wants at the same time as getting what you need. If her grief means she wants to be with you all the time, honour that and do that as much as you can because it will comfort her short term and long term she will remember it and you won't judge yourself adversely/feel guilty later (not that you would have a reason to but we all have capacity to feel irrational guilt). HOWEVER, your grief is important too so if you need some space, manage it as best and as gently as you can. So for example rather than saying to her 'go back to your own house for the afternoon', I need time to sort out the funeral' find an alternative - can you contact a friend of hers or another relative and get them to sit with her for a bit or do something of low engagement and intensity - like go for a walk with a dog.

-A very useful piece of grieving advice I was given for spouses/people who live together is to get the spouse to move into the deceased's usual spaces in the house - by which I mean if DF had a favorite chair, DM should now sit in his chair and if he had a particular side of the bed, she should sleep on his side of the bed. This has two massive benefits, it avoids the discomfort and upset of sitting there just looking at an empty chair or waking up and looking the direction they've always looked to the empty side of the bed. Secondly, it can allow them to feel closer to the deaceased.

-Don't forget yourself. A book I'd highly recommend is

Coping with Grief 5th Edition (Paperback)
Dianne McKissock (author), Mal McKissock (author)
https://www.waterstones.com/book/coping-with-grief-5th-edition/dianne-mckissock/mal-mckissock/9780733339578

Condolences . I went through this albeit a while ago.

I would say make sure you take time for yourself, you're grieving too. I ended up doing some counselling. Don't try and be all things to all people- you've got parent, child, probably job too.

Losing a life partner is huge, especially if they've been very dependent on them. But be aware of how much support you're committing to long term and what you can feasibly give. The first few weeks are very intense and admin heavy. And a bit of a blur to be honest.
There are other sources of support out there eg the local hospice ran a bereavement group which my surviving parent found helpful (needed some persuasion to go!) and longterm gave a group of new friends in the same position.