Supporting a bereaved elderly parent

@Alister45 I am in exactly the same situation as you.
My DM passed away in hospital 2 weeks ago of Motor Neurone Disease. We got the diagnosis 2 days before she died.
I live 3 hours away from my parents so have been staying with Dad for a month now. I was going with him to the hospital 2 weeks before Mum died and I am here another 2 weeks to arrange the funeral & all the other admin that needs sorting out.
Dad & I have probably been with each other for too long now. He is starting to get cross with me & at the moment any suggestion I make about anything gets rejected so I am now really afraid to speak or have any opinion about anything and we seem to be arguing or disagreeing all the time.
It makes me feel sad as I have supported him above any of my own needs but then the guilt sets in and I understand it is grief that is causing this and I am the one to take it out on.
My brother seems to get on better but he has only stayed for one week out of the month and I have been the main one supporting my Dad.

Hi, my mum passed away on the 11th April this year. She was diagnosed with liver cancer the cancer had spread and was at stage 4. From the day of diagnosis to the day she passed was just 3 weeks.
Obviously me and my dad are grieving but we are not grieving differently.
I think he may be going through an anger stage, he seems to be irritated with everything I say and do and we just end up arguing which is not what I want.
I try to explain to him that I'm grieving as well and there is no right or wrong way and there is no timeline.
He always seems so impatient, like everything needs to happen right away.
I can't seem to get him to realize that I need my space.
Has anyone else experienced this with their father?

I'm glad it was helpful! I think the research shows that learning new skills helps, rather than doing, say, a crossword every day. Ie the same thing on repeat. It’s the doing something new and learning from it that encourages brain plasticity and helps ward off cognitive decline?

I’ve seen my elderlies decline in ability and confidence from about 75 onwards, and dramatically so after 85, so if you can encourage her to get to a higher level of ability and independence now, that’ll make it easier in the longterm for both you and her. That doesn’t mean she has to drive where she doesn’t want to, it could be encouraging her to get used to buses, patient transport or using a local taxi firm. More skills, she’ll see more people and also help future-proof herself.

I do get very impatient with that attitude though. Early 70s isn’t too old to learn how to do some things or find alternatives. I know some (particularly) women didn’t have much choice if their husband always insisted on managing the money or doing the driving, but surely it’s everyone’s responsibility to think about how they’d manage if their partner was no longer there or even if botb of them were unable to drive?

Mine was very keen for me to take over some aspects of her life (and widowed far younger than yours was) but I’m very glad now I put my foot down and insisted on showing her how to do things rather than doing it for her. Otherwise she’d have driven me mad by now!

Thanks for starting this thread. My DM passed away suddenly in March and I'm supporting DF 88. He stayed with us for a good few weeks and returned home a couple weeks ago. He seems to be doing well. Some good advice upthread about sleeping on the other side of the bed. I had suggested to Dad he moved Mum's chair so he could sit in that instead of his own. I think I will raise this again otherwise he looks at the empty chair from his own

I feel like I'm just supporting everyone always. I have a teenager, partner who works long hours, a busy job and my DB is often out of work and needs financial support which is very draining emotionally also. (It transpires DM helped him more than we knew).

It's all quite exhausting but I appreciate things could be more challenging. I guess we have to remember to look after ourselves to make us able to look after the others!

I’m quite a few years down the road on this one. The weekends were particularly hard, especially bank holiday weekends where she’d potentially be on her own for longer. Ultimately I didn’t want her to be dependent on my company (I ended up moving five hours away several years later!) as it wouldn’t help her in the long run. So made sure I wasn’t available every weekend, encouraged her to arrange to meet up with people then. She did gradually build a network. The bereavement group via the local hospice was great as it meant people in the same boat who were often also at a loose end at weekends.

It gets harder when your children get bigger as regular weekend activities, parties and playdates happen more often and it’s then harder to meet the needs of everyone (elderly person who wants to sit and chat vs chauffeuring children to often loud venues the elderly person would hate!). So starting to encourage her to spend time with others at weekends will help.

After a few months, I've noticed a pattern in how I feel I'm dealing with grief, and, unsurprisingly, it's hormone related.
The week before my period is the worst in terms of feeling low, lots of tears about losing mum, spiralling, just feeling very, very emotionally vulnerable. The rest of the month isn't as bad.
I guess what I'm saying is when we feel like we're 'not coping' and like there's no escape, there are often other gremlins at play.
I'm perimenopausal (nearly 50) and dealing with the fluctuations is interesting. HRT has definitely helped, but it's still a rollercoaster.

@Earlydarkdays It was really awful to be honest, as the coroner was lovely and we’re really helpful (and disgusted with the GPs behaviour). He died on the Saturday, so we had to call the corner Monday morning and they said they’d contacted the GP but they couldn’t do anything till they got back to them, but it normally took 24 hours so don’t worry. The coroner contacted the GP at 945 Monday and again on Wednesday morning. I had to wait on hold for almost an hour Wednesday lunchtime to have the GP receptionist tell me they hadn’t received the details and the coroner was ‘lying’ about sending it (which was bollocks, they’d cced me in on the second request and forwarded the first. They denied they’d had it until we turned up at the surgery and refused to leave until they’d found it. Magically it reappeared but by this time it was too late so the coroner didn’t receive they response till Thursday morning. They were in touch Friday to say they needed a PM but there was nothing available in the coming week so it would be the week after that. Obviously that meant nothing else could move forward, no death certificate or being able to book the funeral until the results from the PM we’re done.

Good idea from @MargaritaPracticallyCan about written things in the OOS if you can’t fit them in as a reading.

I would also suggest you practice reading it over and over. I did the eulogy and the first few times couldn’t get through it (and so it took a lot longer). With a lot of practice, on the day it meant I only wobbled at the very end and finished with a few seconds to spare.

Yes, we had a lot of people viewing the livestream who couldn’t make it.

@Earlydarkdays if the content is a little too long, could you include some of it written in the order of service?
We had a poem which mum loved, and asked to be shared at her funeral, but rather than have someone read it out, I designed it into the order of service (we had a celebrant, I wrote mum's eulogy and my uncle, cousin and my sons wrote and read their own tributes.)
That way, people could read it and also take it away with them as a way to remember mum.
I ended up designing an 8 page order of service, filling in any extra space with photos.

@Earlydarkdays is there any scope for being two crematorium slots? This was offered to us, if we didn’t want to feel rushed. Each slot was 45 min but that included people coming in and leaving, so really it gave about 35 min or so.

We couldn’t get two back to back slots because we had ten days to organise the funeral (which was a stress in and of itself), due to the clusterfuck caused by delays by the GP sending medical records to the coroner causing significant delays to the post mortem. We had family needing to come from far flung places and had booked flights for the week that we’d hoped the funeral would be (as it was summer holidays they were worried they’d be sold out as well as astronomical in terms of cost). In the end the funeral was about s month after the death.

But could it be an option for you?

Otherwise, the way we worked it out was to time each section and work out each bit was x min and we had y time left, and work it that way.

@CompletelyLost24
I really would recommend CRUSE. I rang them on a really bad day, I’d been planning to call them and was worried about crying too. When they answered the call I burst into tears because the woman sounded so kind, she said don’t worry I’m here, don’t rush, I am not going to leave you. I spoke for an hour and mostly crying, sniffing and everything. I felt so much better for ringing them. They do listen, but also give great advice and support. Whenever I’ve spoke to them they are lovely older sounding women.

I’m on the waiting list for their support/counselling sessions. They are very friendly, kind and supportive people.

@CompletelyLost24
. After my conversation with the GP he sent me a link to their website and said I should call them. But I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know I am fairly likely to just burst into tears as soon as they answer the phone and just feel foolish.

I had grief counselling and like you wasn't really sure about it but it does really help. Part of it is that you are talking to a person specialised in grief so they aren't shying away from it (as friends can do) and they have seen it all before. All grief is different but whatever strange things you think you are doing in your grief, some one else somewhere will be doing the same thing.

I was told that it isn't recommended until 6 months after the death because you need to be in a space to be able to talk about it. Crying during grief counselling is fine and to be expected. We all cry when grieving and bereaved but it you can't even talk about it all because of tears then it maybe too soon.

Bear in mind that many Cruse and bereavement counselling that is free are heavily over subscribed so there is usually a waiting list. Contact them now and get your name put down as it may be a couple of months before you get to the top of the list - by which time you will be ready.

I am in this. Mum died 3 weeks ago and the funeral is this week. I know my dad needs company but I'm finding it so hard to process my own grief when his is so overwhelming. I'm sorry for your loss and all others on this thread.

@Earlydarkdays She is expected to be in hospital for 2 days after surgery. She is then going into a care home for respite care for at least 2 weeks. She (quite sensibly and understandably) doesn't feel safe being alone in her house after surgery due to the risk of falling (she has other health issues that generally make her unsteady on her feet). I cannot move in with her as she lives 30 min away (can be up to an hour in rush hour), and I've got to get the kids to school/after school sports etc and my husband has to leave home before 7 to commute to work and we have dogs at home. She doesn't have any washing facilities downstairs and so it's just not practical for her to go straight home. I did (rather hesitantly!) say she could come to stay with us, but we don't really have room and have quite a busy household so it wouldn't really be sensible. I think it would have been a disaster for both of us and she said the same. She is funding the respite care privately. Luckily she is in a position to be able to do so as it is going to cost £1500 a week. I'm not sure how things will pan out after the two weeks in care.

I didn't know about the care support package post surgery. No one has mentioned it. Do you know if the scheme has a name, I'd like to look into it. Thank you for telling me.

Good luck for registering the death today. I found that really hard (I had to do it, my mum wouldn't and there were rules about who could). Sounds ridiculous but it was making it official. There was something about it that made it more real, like there was no going back from it - which was obviously absurd, there was no going back from it no matter what. I suppose that was related to a lot of the 'what ifs' around his death, which could have been prevented if they had done more thorough testing.

Just a heads up, it may be completely different where you are, but I found the registrar, quite cold... or at least very abrupt and businesslike. I'm not sure how to describe it. I don't know if it's how all of them are, whether it's a method of trying to keep to time etc. But with everything else people started their interactions asking if you were ok/gave their condolences etc, asked how you were doing etc, polite pleasantries and a friendly vibe I guess... there was none of that. I wonder if it's perhaps because in asking that people often respond by breaking down? So in being very matter of fact there was less likely to have people cry (more) etc? I don't know. I just felt it very abrupt- come in, answer my questions, sign the form, get out.

I understand the exhaustion. I felt (and feel) the same. I have found the admin never ending. We are still in the thick of it. It doesn't help as there are multiple instances of banks/financial services saying 'yes we'll do x and be in touch' and then not, and having to chase them up. It is made extra complicated as they had recently bought a retirement home abroad so we have to deal with that too, which is like walking through treacle and we are barely started.

The only thing to note with 'tell us once' is it doesn't cover all providers. It does the main banks etc, but my dad had various savings accounts with other companies that weren't on the list so needed to be contacted individually and then they need all the documentation and have their own forms to fill in too. So it is worth double checking. You will get given a code at the registration to activate the tell us once service, the registrar should be able to give you the details.

@DobbyTheHouseElk That's interesting you found cruse helpful. After my conversation with the GP he sent me a link to their website and said I should call them. But I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know I am fairly likely to just burst into tears as soon as they answer the phone and just feel foolish.

Like you I am also finding that my mum is snappy on occasion. It's really difficult. Logically you know why, but it is hard to deal with and be on the receiving end.