Elderly parents abroad, only child, how to handle this

I vote C as well.

If my mother had watched while another person abused me, I would consider her worth less than a slug. If said slug decided to go and live far away, I'd be relieved never to see her again, far less help her.

The exception would be if she had since realised what she had done to me, been hugely and genuinely remorseful, and left the revolting abuser and never spoken to him again.
Then if me and her could build a positive relationship moving forward, and she moved back to my area in the UK, I would help her with some things depending on what spare time I had.

If you cannot see this, it's because you are still mired in the effects of abuse. I hope you can get the help you need.

C

For a couple of reasons:

1. they were awful to you. Abusive father, mother who stood by and let it happen.

1. You say they're happy living as they are. Leave them to it. Otherwise you're just going in and imposing yourself and your idea of how they should live.

I'd think about getting some counselling to talk this through. Wishing you the best - you're entitled and allowed to live your own life and not set yourself up as a carer.

Option A, but cutting down your visits to maybe every 3 months. If you engage with local social services you may not feel you need to be there so often anyway. You say they are happy there, so no need to feel guilty about going less often.

@Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo awful situation really feel for you. You will get lots of sensible advice and help on here. It might be that no one option is the solution it might be a bit of everything. Would they consider returning to the UK then you could get some sort of routine in place?

I ended my relationship AND cut of toxic family. Highly recommended. Do you have support? Are you in therapy? It was a long road for me, but I have no regrets.

You can do a combination of A and C. Visit less often, insist they hire a cleaner / home help, and tell them if they don't you won't come running to pick up the pieces.

Tell them very plainly that they are making your life very difficult and being selfish and stupid by not taking reasonable steps to get help.

Tell them that their notion that they are living independently is bullshit, because it is YOU who is having to facilitate that and they are actually not capable of living independently without help.

Read them the riot act and take no prisoners.

C with a dash of A.

They very obviously would benefit from a cleaner, more help etc (and you haven't mentioned that they can't afford it). I would stay engaged to the point that you stay in contact and keep suggesting these things.

Which voices are in your head telling you that you can't detach yourself more?

C.

honestly this your conditioning as a child that makes you feel responsible for them. You aren’t. They are making their own choices as grown adults. Don’t infantilise them - you may not think the choices are right, but it doesn’t remove their right to make them.

they didn’t even give you a happy childhood for you to want to do this for them so why are you? Genuinely I think you need to step back and recognise that guilt is the only thing making you do this and you are sacrificing your life for them.

Please put yourself first (they never put you first and will not do that now either) and choose C. Or as close to that as you can manage. You are not responsible for them or their situation. What kind of toll is this taking on your mental health and wellbeing?

Is the capital city somewhere you’d like to live? If your marriage is dying anyway it could be the perfect solution. How far is it from their main home? As you’re aware of the potential to pulled there permanently and have recognised the risks- you’re less likely to succumb.

C.

They weren't good parents to you.
They are chose to retire to a different country.
They don't ask for your help.
They refuse to help themselves even though the issues are obvious to them.

And most importantly they are still so horrid that you can't tolerate them for five days.