Elderly parents abroad, only child, how to handle this

Another vote for something resembling C here, from someone who also dealt with abuse in childhood. The bottom line is that you can do C. It's an option. It's not an easy option in some ways, because emotionally it would obviously be painful, but there are worse things to deal with than guilt. And that's all it is. A bit of guilt.

You matter too, OP, and your health matters, and your life going forward, including your life after they've both died.

It might be worth posting on the stately homes thread.

I've also recently being having CBT and EMDR which I've found helpful, so another vote for that.

If your marriage is ending and the city is a nice place to live I’d actually go for B. Build a new life for yourself completely and in between go to your parents say twice a week to cook and clean. If that was me I’d tolerate doing that for them and enjoy my new life.

Well, I'm currently doing C and I love my parents. I had a happy childhood and I live close by.

But they're my parents, not my kids (it helps that I'm child free and loathe responsibility for others). They're adults. They make their choices. I'm their daughter, not their carer or cleaner. Their house is dirty - I don't have to tell them that. I also don't have to tell them that they could spend their carers allowance on help if they wanted to. Up to them.

Another vote for C, but with some additional thoughts to all the very good advice that you are getting above.

One that this kind of squalor/borderline hoarding is not going to change in people their age. So if you move closer, you are signing yourself up to years of disgusting cleaning. Is this what you want for your life now? Is this what you owe them? I suspect not.

The second is that these kind of elderly people (there's a name, Diogenes syndrome) are incredibly stubborn and three times more likely to die if they go into hospital. They want to be independent at any cost. I think this is what they are telling you in talking about your father and suicide. To some degree you have to respect those choices. Which in a way makes things easier.

The other is to have a think about EMDR as therapy for the CPTSD. I have done all sorts of therapies before, which have helped, but this was a total game changer for me and I cannot recommend it too highly. Perhaps do this before you take any final decisions.

Also, you don't have to decide anything now. Perhaps wait until a crisis comes. This is what we did with my mother (a similar mix of squalor and stubbornness) and although it's difficult, I think it's actually easier than any of your choices.

Hi, OP, I'm in a very similar situation.
The set up is almost identical, only father died 15 years ago, which leaves my (malignant narcissist)
82 yo mother in another country.
You do nothing!
You put yourself first and that's that.
Live your own life, which belongs to you (and you haven't asked for it, anyway)!
Some people shouldn't become parents.
🍀 Don't sweat it.

This.

Do not do B. The emotional toil will be too great.

Do you have children?

Also, WRT your marriage: that needs dealing with, in whatever direction, on its own terms. Not jettisoned or neglected because you are turning your attention to something you don’t want to do.

If you want to save your marriage you need maximum time and emotional capacity to focus on it. If you don’t, or have no choice, you need maximum focus on yourself.

I am sorry things are so difficult for you atm.

If your marriage is on the possible blink, you need your friends around you, and a thriving business . Not isolation in a new city at the service of your unreasonable parents.

They moved abroad without plans for this stage of their lives. They failed to downsize before the house got too much. They failed to take measures to engage help (if they haven’t got the cash now downsizing or selling the flat could presumably liberate enough funds for cleaner / gardener / housekeeping help)

I would have a go at A, with C as your contingency. And explain to them that as their needs become higher you cannot increase your time or visits with them because of business. And maybe have an ‘emergency’ (‘catch Covid’ ???) that means there is an elongated gap that demonstrates to them how they struggle without you.

I understand the responsibility you feel (been there…) but they have neglected their own responsibilities. They could plan to swan off for an active retirement in the sun (presumably) but couldn’t plan to take care of themselves?

Good Luck OP.

When you visit, could you arrange for a cleaning company to come and do the cleaning so you are less tired, the place still gets cleaned and you can do something else with the time?

Where do you feel your roots are? Where are you happiest living? In this other country’s capital city or the UK? You need to think about your own life and happiness and then work around that. You’ll be no help to anyone if you get depressed. You need support too

C!!! Boundaries OP, you're not their parent. Seriously those suggesting anything else that's ridiculous. C C C!!!!!!

I was just about to say the same.

Would they consider moving to their flat? Easier to manage and probably easier for you to travel to?
If not then I'd mainly C with a dash of A.

Definitely c, if they will not accept any help or have anyone in then there is nothing you can do. Alert social services for whatever country they are in. I know its tough but you need to look after yourself first. Can't keep pouring from an empty cup x

C. C. C. C. C.

They are adults. They seem capable of making decisions for themselves, so let them.

Are they bad decisions - probably, but they are allowed to make bad decisions.

Why are you letting their bad decisions affect you?

You are running around trying to undo their bad decisions - this is pointless.

Leave them to it.

@Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo there is some great information rather than advice on the website and the glossary is quite an eye opener. One thing I learned from the site was that guilt is an emotion we may feel but that does not mean we are guilty, and a little guilt is better than a lot of resentment.

C with occasional visits.

THEY chose to move abroad, they are choosing not to get help. It’s what they want. You don’t need to feel guilty about their choices.

If you were the one who had moved it would be very different, but it wasn’t!

If it makes you feel better perhaps think of it as mumsnet saying you aren’t allowed to do B!! That would be very wrong and I can’t imagine it’s what your grandmother would have wanted.

C Tbh. You can choose A and run yourself ragged for the next decade or so for abusive people with no thanks or appreciation. Or you could have your own life. I’m not particularly self sacrificing though, it may be the lack of catholic guilt.

You don’t need to make a final decision. A and C aren’t distinct - you can do A with more C (go less often, don’t do things unless asked), or C with a dash of A (hardly visit at all, but don’t cut them out entirely).

it seems to me you need to be upping the C quotient! And that B would be a difficult and risky choice.

it doesn’t sound as if the situation is very stable so maybe no need for big decisions, just tweaks.

@Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo @HellonHeels makes a really excellent point about imposing on them. I reflect on what we as family have tried to ‘help’ our parents with over the years and lots of things were incredibly sensible and practical for all involved. Only our parents with a very rigid view of life and somewhat odd ways just refused to engage - on reflection we were imposing even though it was from a good place. I will leave this here for you https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt