Elderly parents abroad, only child, how to handle this

Or D. They have 2 homes and have chosen to live away from you. Souse their money to have the practical help they need!

C.

They can and must help themselves.

Option C every time. If you have Catholic guilt, I assume that your parents are Catholics too? Where is their Catholic guilt about the way they treated their own daughter? Your childhood was ruined by them, don't let them continue to ruin your life. They completely failed you so you owe them nothing.

Just to add, I did have to make their local Social Services aware of them in order to arrange the Meals on Wherls, but this was actually really helpful. Once they’ve been made aware, they will do an assessment and are required to check on them etc so worth looking into
We also then found about many things on offer like free taxi services etc for the elderly

I have parents in a similar situation abroad, so can tell you what I did - although they were loving, and if abusive you could just go NC to be honest.

• moved them into the city flat, sold the rural place
• got added to their bank account
• got Power of Attorney (important to do this anyway)
• said I wasn’t cleaning anymore and arranged a fortnightly cleaner, paid by their bank account
• Arranged occasional Meals on wheels (though they then stopped it in defiance)
• As health declined also arranged a daily carer to help with washing/dressing/ medication etc

Finally, I did have to find and arrange a Care Home when things got very bad. Dad deteriorated very rapidly in the end, Mum is still in the home and taken care of there.

All of these amenities were available for a quarter of the UK cost .
They were defiant but I just did it anyway! On some level they knew they needed some help so adapted.

@kiwiane good advice

I hope you have therapy and put yourself first. They’ve chosen this life and there will come a point when they need to accept care or support; you’re helping to prop them up but it doesn’t sound sustainable. There will be a crisis and it’s not your job to support them in an unsuitable home in another country.
What do you want for your life? Don’t give up your marriage for your parents.

C because you are enabling their behaviour.

If you were not going back and forth they would need to accept that they need to put in place home support from social services and a cleaner.

They chose to move abroad, they are now choosing to ignore their loss of independence and instead expect you to 'commute' from another country to look after them. That's not sustainable.

The bit about your father wanting to kill himself if your mother dies sounds like emotional blackmail to me as well.

Honestly it looks like you have been raised to put up with poor behaviour from them and to be at their beck and call even if they failed you as parents when you were growing up.

Time to put some boundaries in place. Tell them that you can no longer travel that often and that they will need to arrange for home support.

Contact the country's social services and ask them to get in touch with your parents and tell them clearly that they are not coping and you are unable to provide any support.

And live your own life.

Another vote for C.

Nobody's awful all the time OP, so that's not saying much. If they aren't asking for help, don't seem appreciative, and weren't great parents, I'd echo other posters - stop going over so much, let them live as unhealthily as they wish, just don't cut them off entirely. My parents are getting older and have always lived in horrible conditions but I wouldn't dream of cleaning for them.

Setting everything else aside do you have a right to live wherever your parents live as well as the right to work? Will your UK employer allow you to work outside the UK as it has tax implications for them? WFH is not the same as work from anywhere and many employers don't allow cross boarder working.

As well as being a terrible idea, B may not be legally possible. You'd almost certainly need a working visa.

C. And therapy (which may have the bonus of helping you decide about your marriage as well as sorting out the aftermath of your childhood).

They haven't earned your help. And you've not said anything that indicates they want your help - which means it isn't actually help.

So, C.

If you really, really can't do C (yet) then A but cut way back.

Not, under any circumstances, B.

This

What does your husband think ? Does he also have elderly parents ? I think you need to continue as you are now but include some outside help , if they won’t take outside help then you have to accept that the problem is of their own making and stick to the current visiting regime .

Agree with @MysterOfwomanY

Yes the house is squalid.
Yes the fridge is full of out of date/rotting food
Yes the kitchen is coated with a film of raw chicken

However it's been like that for years and hasn't made either of them unwell.
They like living like that.

If they don't want to change you can't make them.

TBH first look at whether anything you're doing makes a difference.
Does it really help that they're only living in squalor 95% of the time instead of 100%?
Just saying, at least save your resources for things that make a real and persistent difference. Which may be much less than what you're doing now.

This is such a difficult situation for you. I really feel for you.

I think engaging with local social services is vital, whatever else you decide to do.

With your marriage also sounding shaky I think you need some self preservation. Looking after yourself and your business are vital.

C. With a hint of A on your terms. They don’t deserve your time, aren't asking for it, and you will likely make yourself ill if you are not careful. Ditch the guilt, seriously.

@GoldMoon makes a great point @Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo Essentially you are ( and I mean this kindly ) enabling their behaviour. I think we all want a one size fits all solution for elderly people to try and help them and help ourselves navigate the consequences of having wandered blindly into very old age. It starts with a bit of light housework, bit of shopping then you find yourself there for a full day . Do take care - your marriage situation in itself is a huge issue for you even if you have managed to put it on a back burner.

Immigration rules for many countries have changed enormously over the past 20 years - do you know for certain whether you’d even be able to move to your parents’ country on a permanent basis? You may find that A and B are impossible for you.

I bet you are financing the travel to and fro ?
Tell them you cannot afford to be coming over so much and, a reality check , is they cannot let their home fall to rack & ruin between your visits . They must get outside help because you won't be over as much .
Then do that , take a long break of not going over there , and when you do , tidy / clean minimally .
You have fallen in the trap of swooping in , sorting out , and they know they don't have to maintain the place because you are coming out to do it .
Why can't they sell up and move into their city flat ?