Talking to parents about their death & wishes

I hear you OP. It's tough to talk about the end with anyone you love. My DH died v. recently at 57. He had been fighting cancer for several years but we still didn't think the end would come so soon or so quickly - 4 weeks! We only just barely managed to organise a will for him to sign whilst he was in hospice! The solicitors had to make a bedside visit!

If your parents have organised wills which are valid both in Spain and in UK, be grateful. Sorting out an estate, even a 'simple' one, is pretty complicated so let them tell you as much as they want. This way, when the time comes (ideally a long time from now), you'll have an idea what you're facing in terms of accounts, property, belongings, pets. If you're feeling squeamish, I understand, but ask them to request that their solicitor brief you? Get to know their solicitor so that s/he can help you.

Most solicitors also keep with the will a 'letter of wishes' this is NOT legally binding but can be very helpful. Encourage your parents to write these so that you know their thoughts. They could copy you or ask the solicitor to send you a copy.

When my DH reached the very end, he was too upset to talk about wishes and I realised that, as well as I knew him, I wasn't completely sure what he would have wanted at his funeral. He was able to choke out 2 important ideas and I had to decide the remainder.

In the short/med term, it sounds like your parents have a good few years ahead of them so go ahead and start chatting casually. Maybe start with a funeral in a TV show - ask their opinions, just like you would about a wedding.

Realistically, they've got an excellent chance of another two decades & more, & plenty of time to sort out their own funeral arrangements.

I'm in my 50s, live overseas, & if I pop off here I'd like to be buried without undue fuss in the local cemetery. If I happen to be visiting the UK, I'll be happy with cremation & couldn't give a scooby what happens to my ashes.

I'd mostly just like to avoid my frozen carcass being freighted across an ocean - wherever I drop, just do the local thing, with the least fuss.

I'd be annoyed if I thought my grown kids were going to ignore my wishes.

Not much I could do about it, obviously, unless I haunted them, but I can't actually imagine them thinking 'well I wanted to celebrate my mother by building her into the rockery/firing her into space/wearing her ashes in a locket, so screw the fact that she made it perfectly clear that she'd prefer to be quietly mouldering in a mango farm in Cairo'.

So YABU a bit.

You do sound a bit anxious about the whole thing - they'll probably be with you for years yet.

Kindly, OP, you need to pull up your big girl pants and have this discussion with your parents. I’m the same age as them and I’ve been talking about these things with my DC for a while now - not because I think I’m going to go any time soon (and I hope your parents won’t either) but the reality is that we’re all going to die one day and trust me, the time to think about these things is not when someone has gone. It makes it so much easier for everyone if you - and they - can talk about what should happen, where all the important documents are etc etc…. For everyone’s peace of mind, it’s a matter of fact issue that needs to be talked about in good time.

I am sorry to read that you feel as you do. It is not just your parents who should be making a will, you should make one too, especially if you are a homeowner. Your parents are doing the right thing, not having a will when the day comes makes things more complicated at a time of grief.

As for burial or cremation, whether to have a funeral service in a church, these are wishes you should respect in my opinion.

My wife is very unwell in hospital. Before she became ill we made an appointment for us to see a solicitor and write our wills.
I had a long phone conversation with my daughter yesterday telling her exactly how much I was leaving to various people. It really helped me.
Talk to your parents for their sake.