Talking to parents about their death & wishes

@AuntieMarys my sincere condolences to you.

@Oohitscoldoutside my sister works in a legal practice in Spain which specialises in dealing with the ExPat community. She is a native English speaker and can translate as necessary. If you PM me, I can send you the details for you to get in contact with them.

@AuntieMarys I couldn't scroll by without offering you my sincerest sympathy.

I can blithely say I've lost my parents and it's a rite of passage which one copes with. But to lose a child. It's unthinkable xx

Just offer to talk about all their wishes, to protect them. My mum asked me to be executor of will. Then we talked about her funeral, made postcards of all her jewelry and who it was to go to.
I know she wants no intervention but to just pass. Now I need to talk to her about the final details, no water, pain meds only, etc.

As others have pointed out, your parents have indicated that they want to talk about it. Hopefully they still have around 20 years left so not really a rush. However it would be very sad if you didn't feel able to go out to see them to talk with them about everything.
My father emigrated to Spain from the UK two years after my mother died. He was 71. He made his will and on one of our visits to him gave me a copy. He had paid for a funeral plan but wanted the funeral to take place in my home town in England. Everything was arranged. Repatriation of his body was part of the funeral plan.
At the age of 80 he died suddenly of a heart attack. His neighbour found him and called me. My DB and I flew out to Spain and discovered that Spanish laws are complicated with regard to property, inheritance tax etc. It was a nightmare to be honest and we had to put probate, the house sale etc in the hands of an English solicitor in Spain. But that is not somethibg you should be concerned about now. Go to see them and spend some time with them.

Op death is the only thing in life that is guaranteed.

My mum did not want to talk about POA or making a will despite a terminal diagnosis. She died intestate and despite verbalizing her wishes I had to act as per the law which left her grandchildren without anything from one of my siblings. She would have been heartbroken, and it has caused a rift.

You need to have that conversation. They need to have that conversation. At the very least you need to have an awareness of the practicalities of them dying abroad.

It is vital to do this. Believe me, when you are grieving you want those decisions already made.
My adult dc took his life 3 weeks ago. He left a will and funeral wishes. This has been a godsend as there could have been conflict about burial v cremation.
I have to update my Will and POA now, which I am doing next month.

You will manage. People do.

Have you ever talked to them about how they dealt with losing their own parents? Remember, what you're scared about - they might well have already gone through.

If not, see if you can talk to someone older who has dealt with it. As you say, your partner's mum is about the right age.
DH lost his Dad when he was about 30 and his older colleagues, who had already been through this themselves, were supportive in both emotional and practical senses and gave good advice.

I'm 58 and wouldn't mind it if my children asked me questions. As it is I try to tell them and they just go 'mum you'll be around for yonks'.

I've had the conversation with my mum. She's not 60 yet. It was hard. But it's important to know their wishes before it's too late.

This is so hard but please have the conversation. It will give them peace of mind and honestly, when the time comes you will be grateful they have made decisions and you don't have to x

I wish we had known my mum's wishes when she died. Made a terrible situation even harder because we were starting from scratch.

My parents and I had this conversation years ago and I had it with DD aged 10 on what she would want. You never know what age you may go.

We're all organ doners, don't want a fuss and my parents and I have prepaid no frills cremations paid up with Co-op funerals. None of us would want extreme measure to be taken if it meant a drastic loss of quality of life.

Living in Spain complicates things a bit but it's really not a terrible convo to have particularly if they are passing on a will it's the perfect time. Do you have your own will and wishes set out?

I have never had a direct conversation with either of my parents. However, I am confident I know their wishes as it has come up peripherally in other conversations over the years. I was utterly certian my Dad didn't want any extreme measures taken and could convey that to the doctors - although to be fair I think they were being kind and we were beyond that. He often joked about it but was really very serious. My Mum is now very elderly and has expressed her opinions about other people's deaths and funerals several times which gives all I need to know. Just listen.

And no your parents aren't elderly. It is good that they are getting wills sorted but a very sensible thing they should do now is sort power of attorny. Then hopefully you can all forget about it for many years. Treat it as paperwork

It sounds like they do want to talk about it if they're mentioning wills? Everyone should have a will and it's a good idea to talk about all of this. Maybe make your own at the same time. I lost a parent a lot younger than you and younger than your parents are now. It helped a lot knowing I was carrying out their wishes.

I don't see that being an only child means you don't have anyone to talk to about it. My sibling is about the only person I haven't talked to about it...

Look up your local death cafe. It sounds really morbid but they are organised locally to bring people together to talk about their hopes, fears about death and all of this related stuff, alongside tea and cake. I was worried about going beforehand but it was an empowering experience.

Or of interest (as the mother of an only child) why do you feel you have nobody to talk to about this? I understand that you don’t have a sibling, but would a conversation with a friend or partner not be helpful? Indeed perhaps more helpful as they are more emotionally detached from your parents so can offer objective advice, and might say how they approached (or plan to approach) the issue with their own parents and it gives you a wider range of perspectives.

For what it’s worth, it sounds like your parents are trying to bring up the subject by mentioning their wills. It seems like it would be very easy to go to visit them, listen when they tell you about the wills and then say “have you thought about what you’d like to happen when you die”. Believe me, unless they are completely self-absorbed they will be WELL aware of the burden on you as their only child and probably want to do what they can to make things easier for you. Don’t forget that the fact that they will die one day and you will have to deal with that emotionally is something that every child has to deal with, not just only children. My Dad had been dead 4 years by the time I was your age (sudden illness in his fifties) so you’re already doing better than I did. My mother died ten years ago, in her mid sixties. They were very sad times but the grief does become manageable eventually.

What I am trying to say is that there is no point getting upset just thinking or talking about it now when they are still hale and hearty because even when it actually happens it is not as bad as you might fear. And talking about it won’t make it happen any sooner.

My parents are in their 70s. They aren't in the best of health. They've sorted out everything, as a PP has, and it's all in a folder for my brother & I to find. I know the basics of what they want, and I'm fine with it. It's just the next stepping stone, in my view. We are not religious, we don't believe in an afterlife, or any of that. My parents have always been practical people! Maybe my age has its advantages OP. My views on the matter have certainly evolved over time.

Or mention a friend whose made their arrangements.

I'd bring it up along the lines of either

I've been thinking about my will and arrangements I'd like made in the event I die. That made me wonder what yours were. Not that I want to die or want you to die. I'm just getting organised. Not sure how to start. Any advice?

Having just helped DD with her DH, my ex but we remained on good terms, I’d gently bring the subject up and on a visit. Jokingly for starters and see how they react. I am still sprightly and a decade before pension age but I am resolve to do some regular Swedish death cleaning. One thing I will definitely do is suggestions for music/readings as choosing those and discussion took a seemingly long time but once the service was in place other stuff began to take shape much more easily.
Obviously your choice in the end but knowing where paperwork is, an address book and some indication would have been v useful

If they are fit and well and only in their 60s, they probably don't want to talk about it.

If they have made wills they have already done a lot more than most people their age.

Probably the best way is to bring it up casually to generally get the gist of what their ideas are - for example if you are watching TV together you could make a comment about what you would want if you were seriously ill like a TV character, have they thought about what they would do? And so on.

I'm 66.
I've paid for my funeral.
It's all in a folder... from songs to my wishes.
All my daughters have to do is ring a number and everything is sorted except registering my death..
My Mum did the same for us her kids.
My will is sorted.. they know what's in it.
Now we don't really mention anything.. unless in a jokey way.. like if l buy myself a nice ornament or something.. they will say.." l bags that when you die" and we do laugh.

Have the conversation, you’ll be really glad you did if it ever happens. Them giving you a copy of their will is a great opportunity to find out what their wishes are.

If you think their wishes don’t line up with your preferences I would talk to them about it. They might have strong opinions that are really important to them but they might be happy to take your wishes into account. I would want to leave my children with the option to do whatever they felt would be better for them.

Op its a difficult conversation to have. However I'm an only child and I would rather know my parents final wishes than guess. My dad is nearly 80 and we sat down with a cuppa and talked about it. Yes it breaks my heart but I want to do the right thing for him